A Boat Against the Current

A Decade of Silence

2011-09-23T06:02:00.000-07:00

“A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.” Proverbs 15:13

I find it unbelievable that it has been ten years since we lost you! So many people right now are remembering the events of 9/11, but to me those events were quickly overshadowed by my losing you. I remember like it was yesterday the last time I saw you as I was driving off for my half-day at work on the Thursday before your death. You were sitting in that old familiar pose on our front porch drinking your sweet tea and smoking your cigarette. How often I berated you for smoking, but if you were here with me right now I would gladly let you smoke inside!

So many changes have occurred in my and Martin’s lives since you left us. We almost made it ten years without you, but because of my stupidity just did not quite get there. You would be so disappointed in where we are now, but unlike Martin me and you never expected more from each other than what we knew the other could give so I doubt you would be too surprised. We needed you though and your wonderful way of mediating. I know you can imagine how deafening the 10 years of silence we have had without the mouthpiece of our Triad. I think the biggest mistake both Martin and I made was ever allowing the three of us to start a relationship together. It taught me that it was ok for me to love more than one person, but truthfully to him it was never right. Just because we lost you though, I could not change. He was perfectly able to keep just me in his heart, but I was still able to open mine up to more people. Two men have stolen a piece of my heart during the last decade. When Joe came along, Martin at least pretended he cared about him as well and the three of us were together for eight years. Then this past year though when Crocket snuck up on me, I guess that was just more than he could accept. He threw me out of the house, Joe out of his life, and has since become involved with someone new. Now here is the kicker…Joe has decided he is scared to be in my life because he cannot trust me any longer and Crocket has told me that he never actually had any feelings for me and has dropped me completely out of his life. So now your silly man, who just a few months ago had three men vying for his affection, is left completely alone. I can see you smiling at the irony!

Yes, your smile! That is the thing I miss the most about you. Martin and I were both so damned serious all the time, but not you. You, my buddy, were always so childlike in your appreciation of the world. That picture of you smiling as you are working in our fish pond is still one of my most prized possessions. I have to admit that most days now go by without me hardly thinking of you at all. I know that is horrible, and I am not even sure when it started being that way. Still though on those days you thought of as special such as birthdays, Halloween, and most importantly Christmas; I think of you and both laugh and cry with my memories of your merry laughter.

So now Lee, I move on much more alone than after our 15 years came to such an abrupt end. After 25 years of love and life with Martin, after 8 years of love and life with Joe, and after almost 5 months of love and life with Crocket; I am now starting life completely from scratch with most definitely a sorrowful heart and a broken spirit. I only hope that one day my heart will be cheerful again, and I will be able to remember the good times I cherished with each of you. If that day comes maybe I will be able to remember the love each of us shared, rather than the pain of our losses. Please know that though you are not constantly in my thoughts you are sorely missed and very much loved! Until we meet again…

Happy Anniversary, Baby

2011-08-31T07:17:00.000-07:00

“Lover and friend hast thou put far from me, and mine acquaintance into darkness.” Psalms 88:18

Today would have been my 25th anniversary had I not made the mistake of falling so deeply and so quickly for Crocket. For almost 25 years, I lived with and loved one of the most wonderful men in the world. All during those years, friends and enemies alike wondered aloud how Martin could possibly put up with me. Looking at my average appearance, my bad personality, my asinine thought processes, and my general evil nature; I cannot say that I blamed them. Still though we were exact opposites in most things, we seemed to find a way to make it work.

The funny thing is that while there have been quite a few times in the past where I considered giving up on our relationship, I did not consider doing it because of Crocket. Now I was planning on having him in my life, but I just planned to keep Martin as well. It certainly was not without precedence that I should think that would be a perfectly acceptable solution. There has only been one 21 month period during our entire relationship that it was only the two of us alone together. While I did not expect Martin and Crocket to become partners, I did think that I would be able to keep them both in my life. Actually for the first 5 weeks after I told Martin about my feelings for Crocket, it seemed that was exactly what would happen. He continued to treat us both in the same way he always had, and went as far as going to dinner, drinks and movies with us. Then I guess out of the blue something clicked inside his head and he realized he could not live that way.

Yes, perhaps in hindsight at that point I should have done as Crocket has since done to me and dropped him cold while begging Martin for forgiveness; but I was much too caught up in my love for Crocket to let him go completely. While it is a mistake I will have to pay for the rest of my life, it is also one I will have to find a way to live with and move on. I think what bothers me the most is how cold emotionally this has made Martin. I asked him earlier this week if he would like to go to dinner with me tonight. I told him I thought it might be good for both of us to help us in our growing process. While he agreed to go with me without any hesitation, he added that we could use the time alone to discuss what we were going to do about our house. Of course that makes perfect sense in a very frigidly, logical way to discuss divorce proceedings on the actual day of your anniversary. Then last night he did a complete about face, and wrote me explaining that he did not feel like going to dinner with me on what would have been our anniversary. He bluntly said that I needed to just let him go, and that we could get together some other time to discuss the division of assets. It is not just me though that he has turned a cold shoulder toward. While he has already roped himself a new boyfriend, he no longer sees any of his old friends except once a week at choir. I hate knowing that my actions have caused such a change in this man that I have loved for so many years.

So tonight for our silver anniversary, I am sure Martin will have dinner and enjoy the evening with his new friend in my house. For myself, I will sit alone in the home I tried to build for me and Crocket. There I will drink, I will cry, and I will once again descend into darkness…

Fools Rush In...

2011-08-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

“As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.” Proverbs 26:11

Well even for me where big changes in my life always seem to come fast and out-of-nowhere this one was exceptionally quick. Truthfully my mind, heart, and soul all feel like they were struck by lightning. For the second time in the same year, I went to bed thinking my life had just about reached perfection only to wake up the next day to total chaos. The new life that Crocket and I were building together was torn away from me by his refusal to grow and move on with his life. The lazy man that he is found it simpler and more advantageous for him to return to his old life even if it meant living forever without love.

I could certainly sit here and write for days analyzing Crocket. I could list his fears, insecurities, issues, and mistakes; but this blog is supposed to be about me. Really the only thing needed to be known about him to understand where I am at this point is that he is an emotionally scarred, young boy who allows himself to be ruled not by the love he feels, but instead by his deeply embedded fears. He does not know how to accept true love into his life, but feels much more comfortable living life as a possession rather than a partner. Those are issues that I pray one day he will be able to combat, but he has made it clear that he does not want my help in doing so.

Analyzing myself is much more difficult because every choice Crocket makes no matter how bad it is for him he at least can come up with a reason behind it. Now where he is concerned that reason certainly has a 50/50 chance of being a lie, but still it is a reason nonetheless. I have no reasons or excuses for having allowed myself to fall in love with him. I certainly have no excuse for having allowed him to come back into my life in April after he had already shattered my heart! I think many of my friends would say it was caused by a mid-life crisis of a 48 year old man just having his heart swayed by someone half his age actually showing sexual interest in him. Others if they knew his whole story would probably say that my need to protect those who cannot protect themselves came bursting out and moved my heart. While certainly I will admit that both of those theories probably played into the beginnings of my relationship with him, the actual truth though is that in the end I simply fell in love with a remarkable man. No, he is most definitely not remarkable on the outside. You have to be patient and willing to dig through all the layers to get to that special man inside. I think I am the only person who has been lucky enough or patient enough to be able to view that part of him, if only for a split second before he closed the shell back around himself.

When I allowed Crocket back into my life, I truly was a fool returning to his folly. Instead of using common sense, I allowed myself to be ruled by the absolute love in my heart for him. Would I be willing to give up the memories of the last 4 ½ months of love and partnership we have shared even though they leave me each night on the verge of despair? The answer is most definitely not! Would I ever make the mistake of allowing him back into my life again? To quote the song, “wise men never fall in love..."

Changes in Attitude, Changes in Latitude

2011-08-11T07:59:00.000-07:00

“If a man die, shall he live again? all the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come.” Job 14:14

Well after 49 years of having never lived alone, and almost 25 of those years being lived with the same person; I for the first time in my life rented an apartment. It is a fearful step I take without Martin by my side, one that just a few months ago I would have thought impossible. I have lived most of my life very controlled, so I was knocked off my feet when these drastic changes came so quickly and unexpectedly.

I guess looking back on it I should not have been so surprised since most of the issues that have led to my break-up with Martin were caused by me. Still coming home one Sunday to find my suitcases pulled out of the attic and sitting on my floor was something of a shock. Of course, at that point I truthfully thought he just wanted a short separation to mull things over. I never dreamed that the 4th of July would actually become his Independence Day from me. So after 24 years and 306 days, my life as Martin’s partner came to an abrupt end.

We became partners on August 31st of 1986 at a pre-Labor Day barbeque, and officially separated on July 4th of 2011 after I returned home from a 4th of July barbeque. During those almost 25 years, we lived through many good and bad times. The worst of course being our loss of Lee back in 2001. It surprised me at that time that our relationship survived the loss, and perhaps in retrospect it did not. We seemed to become more just good friends than partners especially a year later when Joe came into our lives. The last eight years as we have lived, eaten, vacationed, laughed and cried together; I guess we really were doing it more as three buddies than as three life partners.

Now though as I begin my new life, it is not me that I am worried about. I am lucky enough to have Crocket to stand beside me. He has been my savior this year bringing happiness back to my heart and life back to my soul. Instead, it is the other two whose future has me worried. While in the long run, I think it will be harder on Martin to live on his on since Joe has done so in the past; still Joe is the one who has me most concerned. Martin made these choices on his own. He could have kept either both Joe and me or just Joe in his life had he chosen to do so. Instead he made the decision to erase us both out of his life, even though Joe had done nothing to deserve that treatment. So while I hope he finds happiness, I do not hold myself responsible for helping him move on. Joe on the other hand had no choice. After giving his love to us for 8 years, he had us both in one way or another turn our backs on him. While Martin does not appear to be bothered by his part in this, I cannot help but feel sad for having hurt him so deeply. At this point, Joe and I have seemingly come to an understanding that while our relationship will never be the same hopefully we will be able to stay a part of each other’s life.

Change has always been difficult for me, but in some ways I do feel like I have been born again into a brand new life. I am no longer sitting around hoping for a better change to come; instead I am starting fresh in a new home walking hand in hand with Crocket. Perhaps change is not always a bad thing…

Our Day Will Come

2011-05-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

“But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.” Romans 8:25

My entire life has seemed like a ride on a rollercoaster with extreme highs followed rapidly by severe lows. Therefore it is really no surprise that the last two months have been a microcosm of the rest of my life. I started out March on quite a high only to see it shot down to where most of the month I spent feeling lower than I have ever felt before. Then just when I was about to give up on ever feeling better the month of April came in with unbelievable joy.

As more and more days in March kept passing, I truthfully thought my friendship with Crocket was beyond repair. I thought the differences between what my needs in the friendship in comparison to what he was able to give were irreconcilable. Each time we saw each other he just seemed to pull further away. Then as we entered April, he seemed to take a complete about face. All of a sudden he started responding positively to my outstretched hand. Slowly, but surely our friendship seemed to right itself. At first we just started e-mailing and texting each other again, and then we progressed to dinners and drinks. Now we seem to not only be back to where we were before March, but we have grown even closer.

I think the issue that caused the biggest rift was not any differences between us, but instead how our respective partners might view our growing relationship. It seems to me that whether you are involved in a relationship for 2 years or 20 years any change in the status quo can bring about jealousy. I truthfully have never understood jealousy. It is not an emotion that I had ever felt myself, so I am amazed at the extreme negative influence it can have on all types of relationships. Why cannot people just see that we are all capable of loving many different people in many different ways, and that the love you feel for one person does not in any way diminish the love you feel for another?

While Crocket’s issues dealt mainly with jealousy, my depression was caused mainly by a lack of patience on my side. Had I been willing to just relax and wait out the initial few weeks, perhaps I could have saved myself a lot of worry. On the other hand, had I not been willing to continue to push Crocket to make the hard decision to keep me in his life maybe we still would be estranged. Now patience is something we are both going to have to learn as we continue to hope that our relationship will conquer all the obstacles it faces and grow into a lasting one. Hopefully our love for each other will be strong enough that sometime in the future our day will come…

What A Difference A Day Makes

2011-03-23T10:26:00.000-07:00

"But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." II Peter 3:8

24 little hours...

Bad things can happen in a day! One day I had just boarded a cruise ship in New Orleans, and I called to say goodbye to my parents. I talked with my Dad for about 10 minutes, and he told me to have a great time. The next day he is gone, and I am left trying to find a way home from Jamaica for his funeral.

One day I am at the beach having a great time. That evening from one of Lee’s favorite restaurants at Gulf Shores I call home to tell him how I wished he could be there with me. The next day he is gone, killed by someone he thought of as a friend.

Before you think I am completely negative, though if you read this blog all the time you have already figured that out, there are good things that can happen in a day! One day I went over Martin and Lee’s house for a barbeque supper. The next day, we were life partners.

One day my Mother is rushed to the hospital with blood pressure of 40/20, and the doctor says he is not sure what is wrong with her or if she can be stabilized. The next day, she is up walking around the hospital room asking when she can go back to water aerobics.

Yes, it is unbelievable sometimes the changes that can occur in just one day’s time that will forever have an effect on our less than meaningful lives. So where am I headed with this opening salvo, you ask? I recently had another devastating loss in my life. While not a death, it was the loss of a great friend from my life. Once again it happened in just one day. On the first Sunday of March, we got together for coffee and a chat just mainly discussing upcoming events in our lives where we were going to get to spend some time together. When we drove off that evening in separate directions, I was so happy to have built this new, strong friendship. Little did I know that the next day it would come crashing down around me.

Crocket has only been in my life for about six months, and it amazes me with my trust issues how quickly our friendship blossomed. He went from just casual acquaintance, to friend, to one of my closest friends so quickly. He is an amazing man who has been through so much in his life, but found a way to better himself through it all. His knowledge, strength of character, and good heart completely floored me from the moment I got to know him. I found myself opening up to him, sharing my life and my secrets, and truly giving him a piece of my heart. Now though because of a tragic mistake on my part, that beautiful friendship that seemingly had no limitations of where it might lead lies in ruins.

He, of course, says all the right things. That he still cares about me, and still considers me his friend. My ideas of true friendship though are very limited, and a cordial nod when we just happen to run into each other does not meet my definition of what a friend is. At this point I truly doubt I will ever even have a meaningful conversation with him again. Not only does he not want us to have any face-to-face talks anymore, he has asked that I do not even write e-mails to him. For someone like myself who really loves to write to express his thoughts and feelings, this has been truly difficult for me. Like a child, I have found myself even writing status updates and checking-in on Facebook (something I have never done much of in the past), simply hoping he will see it and remember our friendship if only for a minute in time.

Peter writes that time means nothing to God, but we humans are all too aware of the passing of time. For all the changes that occurred in my life between the 6th and 7th of March, it would seem that there had to be like a thousand years in that day. Now each day since then as I cry, and drink, and hope for a better result; seems to last a thousand years for me. As I rapidly approach the end of my fifth decade in this world, I guess I notice more and more the quickly passing time. That makes me hate wasting even a second of precious time! In Elizabeth Taylor’s last tweet to the world she wrote, “Every breath you take today should be with someone else in mind”. Well Crocket for the last couple of months that is exactly where you have been…I am sorry!

1,051,200 Minutes...

2011-02-22T11:06:00.000-08:00

"Behold, I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him:" Job 23:8

Well the answer to last year’s blog is…forge ahead. If you do not know what that means then you get a demerit for having not read it. Yes, I have left myself open to a lot more emotional pain over this last year; but in return I have received so much growth and enlightenment in my life. I have reached a point that I now cannot imagine ever retreating into my lonely shell.

The hiking group I joined has continued to enrich my life both with much needed exercise, and in my learning how to be friendly with strangers. The weekend before last I actually went on my first ever hike where I did not have someone lined up to go with me. I realize that does not sound like much of an accomplishment, but please believe to me it was. My outlook on the friendship aspect of my life continues to improve. I have strengthened and re-strengthened old friendships as well as made a few new ones. A new guy in my life has helped me learn to open up and trust more by completely sharing his life story with me. While I imagine I will always have a lot of issues with trust, I am grateful that he has made it so easy for me to rely on him as a confidant. My health had a lot of ups and downs throughout the last year, but my eye doctor says my eyes are still in just a pre-glaucoma stage and nothing else needs to be done at this point. While I still certainly have quite a few back issues, the surgery I had back in November has certainly improved my leg pain. Finally, my life at home continues to be for the most part pleasant. Of course, with three people in a relationship that triples the chances for problems; but most of them we find ways to work through.

Very much like Job, I often find it difficult to move forward; but now I realize the uselessness of looking back. While I realize I have a very long way to go, I do believe that over the last 525,600 minutes I have made great strides in building up confidence in myself. Where will I be once another year passes? Stick around! Like Bette says I am sure the ride will be bumpy, but hopefully it will be fun…

Two of Hearts?

2011-02-14T07:54:00.000-08:00

“A wise man's heart is at his right hand; but a fool's heart at his left." Ecclesiastes 10:2

For practically all my life I have had what could be called a queer heart. Now by that I do not mean the fact that I am gay, because I think my heart would be considered different by even most gay standards. I have never seemed to be able to give it to just one person!

During all my high school and college years I dated three different girls, but at the same time I was in a long-term relationship with a boy. Now at this point in his life he would keel over if he thought I had considered our special friendship to be boyfriends, but that is truly what it was. While I felt committed to each of the girls as we were dating, still William held on to a large piece of my heart.

Then at age 24 when I got into my very first long-term adult relationship it was not with just one man, but two. Lee and Martin had been living together for six years before I came crashing into their lives. While the first couple of years were certainly rocky, the three of us finally settled into what was more of an “Ozzie and Harriet” type life than most straight, married couples ever enjoy. For fifteen years up until Lee’s death the three of us lived and loved together. Then Martin and I only lasted as a ‘regular’ couple for a little more than a year before Joe snuck into our lives. Now for the last eight years I have once again been living as part of a threesome.

Now most people would think it impossible to give your heart to two different people at the same time, but for me it seems impossible to not do so. Truthfully even outside of my primary partnerships other people have come along and taken chunks of my heart. Now I am not saying I had sexual relationships with all these people. I do not equate sex with love. While everyone I have had sex with in my life I have loved as a friend, they have not necessarily been given a part of my heart. Then there are others whom I have never touched in a sexual way who happen to own a large piece of my heart. There is one friend whom I had relations with on numerous occasions yet never once felt true love toward. There is another man that for years I was both emotionally and physically close to whom will always hold a part of my heart even though we will never be actual partners in life. Over the last six months another guy has come out of nowhere to stake a claim to a portion of my heart. I doubt seriously I will ever have any type of physical relationship with him, but our emotional ties have grown extremely strong.

God tells us that a wise man’s heart leads him to make correct choices, while a fool’s heart leads him to make wrong ones. I am not sure which way my heart would be classified? I have certainly made both types in my life! So here we are at another Valentine’s Day where I will give cards and gifts to just my two beautiful life partners. Still while I will not be showing it with outward signs of affection, I will be giving my heart to a few others. You know who you are…

I'm So Dizzy

2011-01-25T12:48:00.001-08:00

“And herein I give my advice: for this is expedient for you, who have begun before, not only to do, but also to be forward a year ago.” II Corinthians 8:10

My life from the weekend before Thanksgiving until now has flown by so fast that I cannot help but be dizzy. I thought any moment that I would take time to sit down and write a New Year’s blog full of whatever resolutions I probably would not keep, but I never seemed to have the time. On the Monday before Thanksgiving I had back surgery which took up all my spare time with physical therapy, so December and January both have just flown by. The bad news being that I did not get to enjoy the holidays very much, but the good news is that my leg pain seems to be much relieved.

So last year my only resolution was to have ten good days, which I really feel that I was able to accomplish. I actually had some pretty good weeks during 2010. Had it not been for my company moving thirty miles from my house and my excruciating back pain during the last four months then last year would have been one of my better years.

Work moving has really been bad in that it has taken up all of my ‘me’ time. I no longer have the luxury of wind-down time each afternoon, so my temper with partners and friends alike has probably been hard for them to deal with since June. Coupled with the pain I was in I can only imagine what a bitch I must have been to everyone during the last quarter of the year. Hopefully they will forgive me!

One good thing that came out of the last four months was that I gained two new friends. Of course, as usual these days they started out as Martin’s friends from his choir, but quickly became my friends as well. One of the two has really made me feel better about my lot in life. He is actually half my age, and has opened my eyes to so many new thoughts and experiences. What he sees in having an old man like me for a close friend I am not sure, but I certainly am glad that we have bonded. While I have not gotten near as close to the other one, still we have shared a lot of confidences. That sharing that I have been able to do with both of them is what has surprised me the most. For this shy man, it used to take years of friendship with someone before I let down my guard and started trusting. Now I seem to not be as scared at taking chances with my heart.

So after last year's resounding success with my resolution, should I now make an even bolder one this year? I think not. In Paul’s words to the Corinthians he points out that what use are good purposes if after a year they have led to no good deeds. Perhaps this year instead of making promises that would only benefit myself, I need to work on making changes in my life that would benefit others. Especially those I love…

The Long and Winding Road

2010-10-18T10:18:00.000-07:00

“And Ananias went his way and entered the house; and laying his hands on him he said, "Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you came, has sent me that you may receive your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit." Acts 9:17

How impossible it seems to me that it has been over six months since I have written a blog. Everyday I have flashes of thoughts that I wish to write down, but never seem to take the time to do so. In June, my company finally did what they had been threatening to do for 5 years. They moved our place of business out of Birmingham to Pelham, so my daily commute went from 2 miles a day to 32 miles. Suffice it to say that move has not been good for either my nerves or my free time. I know I scare both co-workers and friends alike when I say things like it is good that I do not carry a gun in my glove compartment, but that is a truthful statement. I finally realize the true definition of ‘road rage’.

The last six months has been a time of extreme highs and dismal lows for me. Martin, Joe, and I went on a truly fantastic week long trip to San Francisco in June which became not only a highlight of this year, but of my life. In September, Martin and I went with 3 of our friends for our yearly trip to the beach which turned out to be one of the best ever. Perhaps the best news is that 2 new friends have entered my life which both show a lot of promise, and I have continued to get much closer to an old acquaintance. So, on the bright side at the beginning of the year I had hoped for 10 really happy days this year, and I feel I have already more than surpassed that total.

Of course, with me the good always comes with more than its share of bad. My health both physically and mentally has certainly deteriorated since my last blog. For the last 8 years I have been fighting back pain from a degenerative disc, but over the last 6 weeks it has gotten almost unbearable. The pain has become constant and has started affecting my leg and my walking. This week I have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon who hopefully can provide me with some relief without surgery. At work I am just miserable. In this new building we are packed on each other like sardines. I can truly hear every conversation my 12 nearest neighbors have, and for someone who already has concentration issues and who is as slow at their job as me any distraction is not good. At home while I really have nothing to complain about, I seem to never be happy. I was left home alone for most of this last weekend, and in the past that would have been a wonderful thing for me. I normally would have gone out partying with friends, watched all my favorite movies, played for hours on the internet, and ate and drank to my heart’s content. This weekend though I was barely able to force myself to go get a bite to eat. I spent the majority of both days laying on the bed in my boxers crying and feeling sorry for myself.

Like the apostle Paul, I so hope everyday to receive some insight as I travel along the long, winding road of life that will bring about a much needed change in my life. Perhaps I need God to lift the scales from my eyes so I can see how truly well I have it. All I know for sure though is that one day soon I am going to have to find a new map, because on the one I was given all roads seem to lead to a dead-end…

Gimme Fever

2010-03-26T08:15:00.000-07:00

“And Jesus answering said unto them, They that are whole need not a physician: but they that are sick. “ Luke 5:31

All my life when I would have a bad cold a couple of times a year, I assumed it was the flu. Now though after being stuck in my house for five days not wanting to even move, I know what the real flu feels like. It kicks your butt! It has been a month since I have written in my blog because I just have not had time. Work has become so much more stressful that after exercise and dinner all I want to do is go to bed. There simply is no time for writing. Being sick has certainly given me time to write, but I cannot imagine what work will be like next week when I go back. I will probably be fired for being out so long.

One thing about being sick and out-of-pocket for a lengthy time is that you quickly learn who you mean the most to and who are just mainly ‘sunny day’ friends. Of course, at first everyone you know seems concerned and checks in on you, but as the time progresses most of them fall quickly by the wayside. A few though stand by you no matter how long it takes or how bad things get. Those are the friends who truly love and care for you.

Martin and Joe have of course been taking great care of me. Sometimes their need to nurse becomes overbearing, but I love them for it. Three other friends have really stepped up to check on me numerous times each day. One of these guys has been my friend for over twenty years, and while at times our relationship has fluctuated I know no one could care more about my well-being than him. The other two have surprised me a little more because while I have known both of them for ten years or so it is only in the last few months that we have become really close friends. Seeing how much they worry about me has really bolstered my spirits this week. I am so lucky and thankful to have friends like these three in my life.

I think at times like this what I find most surprising are the people who do not step up. Everyone has different circles of friends. An outer circle of acquaintances that you never really expect much from, and an inner circle who you would do anything for and expect the same in return. My inner circle is a very small one simply because I have a hard time making close friends. I am just not very open and trusting. Those that I do allow into that circle though I am always there available for them, and am truly surprised and hurt when I feel our friendship is not the two-way street that I hoped it to be.

Jesus’ comment in Luke was about those needing to be saved as opposed to those whom were already saved. I feel it can be interpreted more broadly in that you should not just be a friend to someone when their life is going well, but should also be there for them during the down-trodden times. That is what I have always tried to do, and pray I will never let any of my friends down because I know how it feels.

Five Hundred Twenty-five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

2010-02-22T13:32:00.000-08:00

"Ye observe days, and months, and times, and years.” Galatians 4:10

I find it almost impossible to believe that it has been an entire year since I wrote my first blog. I originally got the courage to start writing at the urging of a special friend who thought it might help me find peace with my thoughts. Truthfully I cannot say whether or not it has been a success.

How should a person measure a year in their life? This year has been much like any other in my life full of ups and downs. I forced myself to come out of my self-imposed exile by allowing many new people into my life. I joined a gay hiking group which has certainly served to bring me out of my shell a good bit, but still have not found the courage to attend any events unless Martin was going also. I made three very dear new friends and strengthened two old friendships, but most of these seem to be waning. While life at home continues to be happy, life at work only gets worse especially with our move to the new building rapidly approaching. Other than my depression, my health seems to be very good though I am fearful of what the eye doctor will find when I return to him in May. So no matter how far it seems I progress, still I keep sliding backward.

So what should I do in the year to come? Should I continue to forge ahead enjoying my new openness which has brought a lot of happiness with it, but also leaves me vulnerable to so much pain? Or should I sink back into that dismal little corner where I feel so secure, but so unhappy?

Paul is correct we humans do seem to feel the need to observe anniversaries. Well this my first anniversary blog is my 27th overall. I am not sure if during the next year I will write more or less, but I do plan to continue to write as the spirit moves me. No, I am not sure if it has brought any contentment to my soul, but it has given me a feeling of release each time I write down thoughts that I am too scared to contemplate in any other way. It has certainly seemed a better outlet for my emotions than drinking my self silly or crying myself to sleep. Here is hoping that my second anniversary blog will find my attitude, my health, my life much improved! Guess I better get busy working on that since it is only 525,600 minutes away…

My Funny Valentine(s)

2010-02-15T17:52:00.000-08:00

“Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.” I John 4:7

This past Valentine’s weekend was one of much joy for me. Starting on Friday with a long walk in the snow with Martin then followed on Saturday and Sunday with an overnight trip to Tuscaloosa with both Martin and Joe, I could not have planned a better way to celebrate. The laugher and love we shared this weekend was an unbelievable lift to my soul. Sharing time with these two beautiful, funny men brought a ray of light into a dismal winter season. To be so loved, I find an amazing gift which I doubt I will ever deserve.

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach” those beautiful words written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning are in a book of sonnets given to me one day years ago by a Valentine. A lost Valentine once told me that all he wished for in life was to wake up next to me each day. Another Valentine of mine once compared our love to Mercer’s “Midnight Sun”. While yet another one told me that I held his heart in my hand to do with as I will. All very lofty and scary ideals to live up to…

I have had very few Valentines in my life. Perhaps it is the intense fear of being responsible for someone else’s heart that has kept me all my life from opening up my own heart. I have certainly given my heart on occasion, but to only a very few whom I have trusted completely to protect it. Still I wonder how any of those who have given me their heart would take that chance with me? Once my love is given it endures forever, yet still I seem to constantly hurt those I love. If only love were enough to make people happy.

In the Bible, John teaches us to ‘love one another’. That sentiment is often times impossible to follow. Still throughout my life I have found a few people to whom I freely gave my love. Those people, those friends, those Valentines…they are what makes my life worth living!

Mon Meilleur Ami

2010-02-04T15:22:00.000-08:00

“Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.” I Samuel 18:3

Just about a year ago, I made a new friend. While you might say what is the big deal…my answer would be that it had been a long time prior since I had last allowed someone to grab a piece of my heart. I had pretty much thoroughly shut myself off from new people and new experiences. I was scared to take the chance of being hurt or of hurting someone else. One night last February though I let down my guard for just a moment, and this guy wormed his way into my life.

I am not sure that either of us realized at the time what we were getting ourselves into, since we are both quite a handful. I imagine at the time neither of us would have even believed that we would still be close a year later. I certainly did not! I was completely taken off guard that someone I hardly knew could so quickly become one of my closest friends. Yet here we are a scant year later, and I cannot imagine life without him in it.

Our friendship has seen a year of highs and lows, ups and downs, mistakes and apologies, and has endured. Not sure if that has been easy for him, but for me it has been quite a challenge. There have been times when I wonder how I could survive without him in my life, and other times when I think how two such diverse people could hope to maintain a close relationship. Our hopes, desires and needs from a friendship seem at times to be so different that they are irreconcilable, yet anytime we start drifting apart we quickly rebound. Since the day our friendship first blossomed, his life has been in turmoil. Perhaps that is why he needed me… On that day, my life had become one of sheltered emotions. Perhaps that is why I needed him…

Jonathan and David are the greatest example of true friendship not only in the Bible, but in any literary work. While I have no idea where our friendship will be once another year passes, like the Bible pair I have made a covenant with him. No matter how far apart our lives take us there will never be a day he cannot call on me if needed.

Winter Wonderland

2010-02-01T09:26:00.000-08:00

“Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.” Ecclesiastes 7:3

Webster’s defines the word depression as ‘a state of feeling sad’. I hardly think that definition goes far enough. Sadness is a normal state of being that every human must deal with at different points in their life. I feel depression on the other hand is when you have such an overwhelming feeling of sadness that you think there is no way to ever dig out from under it. I feel that I have personally combated depression all my life, but it always intensifies each winter.

My mood begins to grow worse as soon as fall arrives the moment I start noticing the days are growing shorter and the nights are growing colder. By the time winter arrives I feel all happiness has gone from the world. I find it almost impossible to get up in the mornings, and all I want to do at night is have a drink and go to bed. While it would not solve all my problems with depression, I feel a good 5 month hibernation cycle would certainly help.

Unfortunately, I cannot just drink and sleep my cares away! Instead I have to force myself to face each day, and forge through. During the week my mind stays focused on work so much that I have little time to think about other issues, while on weekends I usually try to keep myself too busy to dwell on my problems. This past weekend though was a very uneventful one for me, and while my physical body was happy for the rest it was hard on my mental well-being. I had much too much time on my hands to dwell on my personal issues, and feel sorry for myself.

The last week was not a good one for me at all. I received some rather distressing news about my health which while not completely horrible was certainly a shock. Work and extracurricular activities keep Martin so busy that we hardly ever have time to talk. Joe was sick all week himself, and while I know he is fine still since his heart surgery I worry anytime he is ill for more than a couple of days. The few friendships that I count on seem to be more distant each day. My oldest friend I seem to ask too much of, and though he does not complain I know it is not fair of me. A new friendship that I have been trying to cultivate seems to be going nowhere. Neither of us really have the time to spend with each other which is needed in the early stages of a relationship. The friend I have been closest to over the last year is pulling away a little at a time. More than likely I have asked too much of him also.

Sometimes…most times I am just so scared and lonely. One of the prophets tells us that sorrow is better than happiness because it makes the heart stronger. If that is the case then mine must be beating with great strength. I am sure that I am taking that verse out of context though. I think maybe it is telling me instead that I need to start working on my own attitude. It is not the responsibility of those around me who touch my life to make me happy. I am sure happiness is out there I just need to have the strength of will to go find it. Hopefully now that the days are getting slightly longer as winter winds down laughter will once again find a way into my heart.

This Masquerade

2010-01-21T09:26:00.000-08:00

“The eye also of the adulterer waiteth for the twilight, saying, No eye shall see me: and disguiseth his face.” Job 24:15

I probably should preface this with an apology to a special friend of mine for having stolen the topic for this blog from him. Recently he wrote a really outstanding blog about the masks that we each wear which inspired me to write about my own masks. Hopefully he will forgive my creative license.

Having been born a gay man in a highly religious household, I learned to wear masks very early in my life. That was not the only mask I wore as a child though. I was perceived as the perfect child…quiet, good grades, did not smoke, did not drink, did not have sex, did not do drugs, did not cuss…hell that sounds boring!. It would have been boring too except that was not me. Yes, I did make good grades, but not because I studied simply because book learning came easy to me. All the rest I most definitely did, but my family only saw the mask of perfection I allowed them to see.

As I moved into adulthood, I began to compartmentalize my life into small groups of family, work, and 2 or 3 different friend groups. Each of these groups knew Jay, but they each knew a completely different Jay none of whom was the true man behind the masks. At first I lived in fear of two of the groups crossing paths, but later became adept at showing two-faces at the same time when these unavoidable occurrences happened.

Now at 47 years of age I have so many masks in my repertoire that I even have a hard time remembering what the true face of Jay looks like. At work I am thought of by my colleagues as a hard-worker, always on time, never complaining, who likes all his fellow employees. Ask any of my co-workers and they would say that Jay is a happy guy who likes and gets along with everyone.

To my birth family, I am still that ideal of perfection. Sure my Mom would say it would be nice if he would settle down and have me some grandchildren, but there is still time. I could not ask for a more loving son. My sister would tell you that I am the rock she leans on at all times - the foundation that holds our family together.

In my partnerships, I miraculously seem to be whatever each has needed. To Lee, I was the perfect pal: the one who loved to work in the yard with him, to collect beautiful things, and to curl up on the couch and listen to his latest favorite music for hours on end. To Martin, I was his ideal: the one to go on exotic trips with, to watch movies or cuddle by a fire, and the one who would never think of straying. To Joe, I was his soul mate: the one who was different than all the rest, the one who brought excitement without fear, and the one who was just a little dirty around the edges.

My friends each see a different face molded to what I think they need or expect. This disguise can change on a moments notice if I ever perceive the need. I constantly find myself reacting to words, actions, or my perception of what their thoughts are and trying to make myself be what I think they want in a friend. Perhaps the reason I have so few close friends is because it must be hard to get to know someone who seems to change on a daily basis.

So why do I feel the need for so many disguises? Why continue to hide the true Jay behind the masks I feel people have come to expect? Fear! Fear of losing everyone, and being left alone in the darkness of my mind. Fear at work I would either be fired or it would become even more unbearable. Fear my birth family would want nothing to do with a gay son. Fear my partners would set me adrift never to know their love again. Fear my friends would slowly disappear out of my life as so many before them have done. Fear that I would not recognize the man behind the mask! So much like the adulterer who waits for twilight…I stay hidden behind my disguise.

Martini Madness

2010-01-15T16:13:00.001-08:00

“The Son of man is come eating and drinking; and ye say, Behold a gluttonous man, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners!” Luke 7:34

Growing up in my parent’s house there was absolutely no alcohol allowed. We were taught from an early age that any drinking was a sin. Of course, that did not stop me from drinking starting at the age of 15. It just made it a little more difficult to hide. Even though we had both been drinking for years, I think I was about 20 and my sister 25 before we admitted to each other that we drank. Even though I started drinking fairly early in life, I never drank a lot. I was truly the definition of a ‘social’ drinker.

Recently though, I have started worrying about whether I might be drinking too much. In 2008 and the 10 years prior, I probably went to a bar on the average of 4 times a year. In 2009, I upped that to more like 4 times a month. Now here we are early in 2010, and just this week alone I have already gone out drinking 4 times. The problem is that I realize I am not doing it because I like the taste, but more to dull the pain and sadness that I feel. While I use to come home from work and either work in the yard or ride my exercise bike, now instead I head straight for the liquor cabinet.

Life at work seems to get more unbearable every day. I work my ass off in a job that I am so under-qualified for just trying to keep my head above water. I sit and watch new employees who hardly ever work get promotions and large raises, while the 26 year veteran is told you are a great asset and we are doing all we can for you.

Life at home while certainly not full of the stress that I feel at work is still full of sadness. Martin does not understand why I spend so much time crying always worrying that he has done something wrong. Joe I think is just happy he has his own home to escape to at times. So many of my friends seem to have pulled away into their own worlds, while the few that I count on the most I expect too much of and burn them out.

Verses in both Matthew and Luke assure me that drinking is not a sin, since Jesus himself drank on occasion. What I think is wrong is over-indulgence in anything. Is that what I am doing is the question I must ask myself? While I do not truthfully think the amount of alcohol I am consuming is an indulgence, I believe my problem comes in the reason for my drinking. Without it though I cannot imagine how much more I would find myself crying. Would you not think that an over-indulgence of sadness is wrong as well? I have actually had a couple of happy days already this year, but neither of them was totally liquor-free. I wonder if it is even possible for me to have even a semblance of happiness without drinking some. I wonder if I will ever have the strength and courage to find out…

Auld Lang Syne

2010-01-05T15:50:00.000-08:00

“Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil.” Jeremiah 13:23

I remember when I was about 14 years old thinking the year 1980 would never arrive. I thought finally graduating from high school would be the best. Now it is 2010, and I am thinking there is no way it has been 30 years since I graduated. Where did all those years go?

At the beginning of last year, Martin had recently started branching out and enlarging his friendship base. Because of my innate shyness and my poor self-image, I have always found it difficult to cultivate new friendships. I decided though to at least open myself up to the possibility that there were new people out there who would welcome my friendship. The results of this decision made 2009 both one of the happiest and saddest of my life. I have met so many new people over the past year some of whom have become extremely meaningful to my life. These new friends have brought into my life joy and thrills beyond belief, but also disappointment and sorrow. Maybe I had just become so accustomed to my existing friends that I did not notice the ups and downs as much as I seem to with these new relationships. Whatever though I found my heart to be stuck on a rollercoaster ride.

For someone like myself who has always been a little manic-depressive the year 2009 became quite a challenge. I have all my life found it hard to find a calm balance between laughter and tears. So in a year where my job situation continued to go downhill, opening up my heart really kept me off kilter. While my new friends had brought with them so many new, fun, and exciting experiences still I could not count how many nights I ended up crying myself to sleep. As the year drew to a close, I began to think that perhaps one of my 2010 resolutions should be to withdraw back into my shell. I thought maybe it would be best to not allow myself to be open to such fluctuations in emotions.

Each year I find myself making a few resolutions only to break most of them by the end of January. Like the leopard, I find it almost impossible to change my spots. My behavior is so engrained into my personality that I have no idea how to change. I am much too weak to stop drinking, much too lazy to do the extra work around the house I keep putting off, much too scared to walk out on a job I have had for 26 years, and love much too much to give up on friendships that have encompassed my heart. I quickly realized over just the first weekend of this year there was no way I could close myself away again. I decided to forget all the silly resolutions I make and break each year. I decided to forget the impossible resolution to try and distance myself from my heart. Instead I decided to make just one resolution to simply try and have ten truly happy days during 2010. Perhaps that does not sound like a lofty goal, but for me it is a start…

A Day Late, and a Dollar Short

2009-12-27T09:19:00.000-08:00

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.” Luke 2:14

Actually two days late, but you get the drift. While growing up Christmas was a big celebration, though not a religious one. We celebrated it as just a gift giving holiday which had nothing to do with the birth of Jesus. On Christmas day my parents, sister, and I would gather with our grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins at my eldest aunt’s house. There would be forty or fifty people eating lunch and enjoying each other’s company. This Christmas my Mom, sister, and I simply gathered around a pot of spaghetti to celebrate the holiday. My 48th Christmas was certainly very low key, as I wish the rest of my life could be.

Now we are less than a week away from yet another new year. How impossible it seems that we have now gone ten years since we all celebrated and worried about Y2K. This first decade of the 21st century has certainly been one of turmoil for me. The loss of both Lee and my Father, the changes in my job status, the slow separation from so many friends, and the general aging process have all called me to task. How I pray for peace in the new year…the new decade!

This year I went to Christmas Eve mass celebrating the birth of Jesus in ways I never did as a child. Whether it is something God wishes us to do or not, I cannot say. I do know that it helped to lighten the burdens I carry in my heart for at least a couple of hours, and for that I do give glory to God!

It has been four months since I found time to write a blog. I certainly had thoughts I wished to write down during this time, but seemed never to find the time. Truthfully it seems more like four weeks as my life continues to rush by. Some days now I feel so old that all I wish to do is to lie in bed and remember better days. Still this year I have allowed myself to open up my heart some. I have both made and loss friends. They have filled my heart with both joy and sorrow…only time will tell if I made the right choices. A day late, and a dollar short seems to be the perfect line to describe me. Rather than being at peace with my decisions, I seem to always be regretting my choices. Perhaps in the coming year, I can learn to put away regrets.

Now especially during this time when we all reflect on what the birth of our Savior means to us it is the perfect time to look within ourselves. To see what changes we can make in our own lives, instead of always basing our happiness on how others perceive us. As 2009 draws to a close, I continue to give glory to God and pray for peace not just for myself, but for all of you who daily touch my heart. Each of you know who you are and know hopefully even when I seem withdrawn and in dark despair my love for you never wavers…

Not Enough Stones

2009-08-06T10:16:00.000-07:00

”So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” John 8:7

Last night I laid in bed tossing and turning as I cried myself to sleep. Unfortunately that has become more and more of a regular occurrence over the last few weeks. While trying to fall asleep, one of the things that kept going through my mind was the idea of a blog I felt compelled to write. The problem was I could not come up with the proper words to say to express my feelings. Then I remembered a poem that I had loved in high school. The words of Earline Rose seemed to perfectly describe the thoughts I was trying to convey.

‘Faults’
As you sift the faults of others
Just to see what you can find,
And the words you speak about them
Are often times unkind,
Let the thought be ever present,
When you start to criticize,
That his faults may be less noticed
When viewed by other eyes.
For when we truly love someone,
His faults are hard to find,
And when they glare right out at us,
Somehow we do not mind.
Instead of searching for his faults,
Which seem to be galore,
Just let him know you really care…
Then learn to love him more.

It seems to me that people so quickly cast dispersions on other people sometimes out of anger, sometimes for a quick laugh, and sometimes just for meanness. I know I have often caught myself doing the same thing. Jesus teaches that we should never throw stones at others because not one of us is completely innocent. Maybe instead of being angry with people who do not follow this rule, I should instead just try to lead by example. I think it is time for us all to realize that there are not enough stones for all our faults…

Lost In The Darkness

2009-07-09T14:23:00.000-07:00

“For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.” Luke 15:24

I am lost. Before sitting down to write this blog, I tried to come up with a word that best describes me at this time in my life. No other word seems to fit me better than lost. Every corner I turn leads to a dead-end. Every move I make becomes just a futile gesture. Every thought I have seems to be black. My life is just in a constant state of confusion.

There have been times in my life of immense happiness. My early years, my high school years, the years after becoming partners with Martin and Lee, and when Joe first came into my life all bring to mind happy times. Each of these has never lasted though. They were each followed by years of dark despair. Dealing with my Mother’s depression, college years when two friends disappeared from my life and dealing with my sexuality, the downward spiral of my partnership which led up to Lee’s death, and the troubles with Joe’s fears and my work related issues all had a part in sorrow replacing happiness.

Through all those years of highs and lows, I never felt totally lost though. Like a friend of mine really likes to say, no matter how bad things get he knows it will not last. Well I guess that was the thought process that kept me going. When I first started writing my blog, I began to see a glimmer of hope that I was moving back out of the darkness. The last couple of months though have seen things become even more dismal. While yes there have been some happy times like the week I spent in Las Vegas, for the most part I now feel that there will never be any extended periods of happiness for me. That feeling is what I truly call ‘lost’.

Another friend of mine asked me the other day if Martin knew how sad I am. I said that no one really knows. Everyone has their own issues with which to deal. On the rare occasions that I have tried to open up with a friend, it just seems in the long run to backfire. While things may begin well, my needs and fears become so strong that they end up having to pull away. So, I usually end up being even more depressed. I have to face the facts that I will probably be forever lost in this maze of darkness. Still I pray constantly that one day like the Prodigal Son in the parable that I will be found. How I long to begin to be merry…

Trust - A Two Way Street

2009-06-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

“Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me.” Psalms 41:9

There are two ways for a person to view trust. From your own viewpoint, are you a trusting person? From other people’s viewpoint, are you a trustworthy person? While I have always thought of myself as a trustworthy person, I am sure there are people out there who would disagree with me. What I most assuredly am not is a trusting person. Very rarely have I been brave enough to put my total trust in anyone. This most likely comes from my upbringing where secrets ran rampant in our house.

I can think of no greater compliment than to be thought of as being trustworthy. It is something I have always strived to be in my life, and perhaps having learned to keep my own life close to the vest has given me a leg up on doing the same for other people. I take the Psalm to heart in that I cannot imagine anything much worse than betraying a friend. From my own experience I know how hard it is to lay your trust into someone else’s hands, and if I were to misuse that confidence it would hurt me as much as the one who trusted me.

One might think that a person who considers themselves to be so trustworthy would in turn be trusting. In my case, I certainly find that to not be true. It is not like I have actually been betrayed over and over again in my life, but instead it is just the fear of betrayal that causes me to not be able to trust easily. Occasionally someone comes along that is able to break through to the real me, and when they do it is like a beautiful warm light surrounding me. I so crave that feeling, but cannot overcome my fears to allow myself to open up to very many people.

I am not sure what this blog is even supposed to be about. Last week I went on an extremely relaxing vacation. I had such an enjoyable time that for a week life seemed almost perfect. It only took a couple of days back in reality though for me to come crashing down from that high. I returned home to issues at work, with my birth family, and with some close friends that once again had me crying through sleepless nights. What does all that have to do with trust though? Well I do not trust the powers at work who lie to us every day about how long our jobs will remain in town, I do not trust my Mom and Sister to do what is best for themselves in their own lives, and I guess I really do not always trust that I will do what is right for my closest friends.

To those rare gems in this world, the people who have found a way to win my trust, I thank you for giving me the peace that comes with that gift. To those who have tried to win my trust and failed, I am sorry just know that it probably has more to do with my issues than you. Perhaps the biggest problem is that I do not trust myself…

Alone Again (Naturally)

2009-06-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

“I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.” Psalms 102:7

Sometimes I find myself sitting at a table surrounded by friends wondering how can I feel lonely? Sometimes while chatting with 4 or 5 different people on Facebook at the same time I find myself wondering how can I feel lonely? Right now I am lying on my bed in a house filled with love wondering how can I feel lonely?

The most common definition for the word alone is ‘separated from others’. That is a situation in which I rarely find myself. Instead the situation I most often find myself in is best described by one of the less common definitions for the word lonely. That is ‘producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation’. See I could be completely surrounded by people who love me, and still I would feel as if I was in a black hole by myself.

One of the aspects of my loneness seems to be talking to myself. I can be listening and even interacting in an on-going conversation with a group of people while carrying on an entire conversation with myself in my head at the same time. Most often it has nothing at all to do with what is being said around me. I can never remember a time that I did not have these interactions with myself. Usually these are quiet conversations in my head, but can be embarrassing at times when someone walks in on a vocal one. I do not think of it as an illness in that it is not voices that I hear telling me to do things. It is simply me most often trying to decide on a course of events by weighing both sides.

You would probably think that being this lonely I would dread anytime that I have to be physically alone. That is definitely not true though. I actually cherish some of the rare moments that I have to myself. It is not physical aloneness that hurts, but mental or emotional aloneness. Perhaps the fact that I have such a hard time sharing my inner most thoughts and feelings with anyone is the root cause. I have at times in my life tried to be more open, but each time has ended in failure. The failure stemmed sometimes from me not being capable of complete honesty, and other times because I chose the wrong person with whom to share this honesty.

David in this particular Psalm at times seems to be writing directly about me as he writes “‘my days are consumed like smoke…my heart is smitten…by reason of the voice of my groaning” Through this particular poem he is reminding me that even though I feel like “a sparrow alone upon the house top” that God is always there beside me. Perhaps when I am talking to myself I am actually talking to God. Though if that is the case then I wish He would give better advice…

Sweet Charity

2009-05-25T19:05:00.000-07:00

“And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.” I Corinthians 13:13

How easily the words ‘I love you’ seem to flow out of a person’s mouth, but what do they actually mean. It is almost impossible to find a definitive meaning for the word ‘love’. People use it to define their feelings for a house, a pet, a family member, a friend, or a partner. In each of these examples the word means something completely different to the person saying it. The ancient Greeks used four different words to describe what we Americans call love. How much easier it might be to express ourselves if we also used four different words.

I grew up in a home where the word was rarely used. My sister and I certainly knew our parents loved us, but it was rarely said. Perhaps that has a lot to do with the fact that I have in my adult life always gone out of the way to say it to the people who mean the most to me. I have never said it to very many people, but to the ones I care about the most I probably say it much too often. I know at least that it seems to scare some of the people to whom I say it.

Someone I care a great deal for asked me recently if I was sure the love I felt for him was a ‘healthy’ love. The question really surprised me because I did not realize you could feel ‘unhealthy’ love. Here was a prime example to me of how much easier it would be to explain ourselves if we did not use one word to describe so many different emotions. I found myself left with the dilemma of whether I should continue telling him I love him even knowing it makes him uncomfortable, or should I keep my feelings for him locked inside my shell?

There are other people in my life who tell me they love me, yet they flit in and out of my life like a sparrow from limb to limb. Maybe I expect too much from friendship more than most people are capable of giving. I never expect more though than I am willing to give back. Perhaps rather than love, it is my definition of the meaning of friendship that is so radically different from other people.

Paul in his letter describes love as the greatest of the three for without love there would be no faith or hope. Love seems the easiest of the three to achieve, but the hardest to understand. With faith one must be able to take a blind leap, with hope one must be able to think positively, but love just appears from nowhere to take over one’s heart. I have never given love easily, but once I do it is overwhelming. Perhaps I need to find a happy medium…

Lies...Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

2009-05-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32

When I was a kid two of my Dad’s favorite statements to make were, “There will be no liars there” and “Any intent to deceive is a lie.” He would of course say these to scare me into always telling him the truth. Well while the scare tactics never seemed to work on the young Jay, the older Jay has tried his best to be much more truthful. Being able to be completely honest with both yourself and everyone else would seem on the surface an easy thing to accomplish. I think most people are like me and find that not to be so.

When trying to be truthful with others, one has to first decide what exactly constitutes a lie. Is as my Dad tried to point out any relevant omission a lie? Is it fair to be truthful with someone if the facts would only serve to hurt the other person or to soothe your own conscience? Is it wrong for a gay person to remain in the closet to family or at work? Is it right for parents to tell their children there is an Easter Bunny? Of course that last one is silly, but following my Dad’s logic it would be considered a lie. Each person has to decide for themselves where to draw the line between truth and lie.

In my opinion being honest with yourself is an even harder prospect than with others. I imagine most people like to think of themselves as being a good person. I certainly feel sorry for those who do not. The question is, are we deluding ourselves with that thought? How do other people perceive us? Do we lie to people purposely out of spite or for our own personal gain? To really be honest with ourselves about whether we are a good person or not it is important to ask ourselves how we would feel if other people treated us the way we treat them.

When Jesus spoke of the truth setting us free, he was referring to the fact that he was the son of God sent to die for our sins. Does that statement though also hold in our everyday lives? Being completely honest will certainly set your mind free as it takes away the need to cover up your lies. For myself, I believe that I am fairly honest with myself in that I know I do not always treat others the way I should. I can certainly be catty, spiteful, and petty. Those are all issues that I need to work on. In being honest with others I know that I fall desperately short. Mainly that is because of fear. I am completely scared of how total honesty would affect the relationships in my life. So like the younger Jay, the old one still finds himself being less than truthful at times. Unlike the child though, the man is striving to be better…

Mama Mia

2009-05-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

“Honour thy father and thy mother:” Matthew 19:19

It is so hard to believe how fast this year is going by. We have already made it to Mother’s Day weekend. I asked my Mom if she wanted to go out for lunch on Sunday, but I think she wants me to come to her house instead. So I guess I will be making the trek out to her house. I will be the dutiful son and spend the afternoon with her and my sister listening to her complain that I have not gotten married and had grandchildren for her. Mom, wake up, I have lived with another single forty-something year old man for the last 21 years. Hello! Some people only allow themselves to believe what they want to believe.

Growing up with my Mom it is a wonder that I am in the least bit normal. Of course, I can hear my friends laughing at the thought of me being normal. I imagine the first 9 years of my life were sort of “Leave It To Beaver” like, but that all came to an abrupt end right before my tenth birthday. That was when my Mom who had always been abnormally close to her parents lost them at the same time in a car wreck. She went into a deep depression that lasted at least until I was in college. She would lock herself in her darkened room, take sleeping pills, and sleep most of the day and night. She would emerge on Sundays get dressed and attend church like nothing was wrong though. With her in that mood and my father working shift work, my sister and I were pretty much left to our own devices. My sister usually just stayed in her room studying when she was not at school. I would stay out of the house as much as possible. I would either roam the streets with groups of kids or stay at my best friend’s house and make believe he was my brother.

Now my Mom is 80, and acts as if she does not remember anything about our childhoods being odd. She truly thinks she was the perfect example of motherhood, and that the issues my sister and I now have to deal with are of our own making. My sister divorced in 1980, and has been alone for the last 29 years because my Mom drilled into her head the sin of divorce and remarriage. If I had allowed her beliefs to rule my life, I would have married and had children. Would she truly have been happier with 2 divorced, lonely children rather than having a son who has been in a loving gay relationship for over 22 years? The scary answer to that question is that yes she would.

Jesus instructed us to honour our Mother. That does not necessarily mean to obey, respect or even love. I do love my Mother and appreciate her having given me life. I do not respect her, nor her beliefs; and I definitely feel no compunction to obey her misguided rules. Do I follow Jesus commandment and honor her. Yes, I feel I do every single day by allowing her to live with her delusions.

It's Now or Never

2009-04-24T06:16:00.000-07:00

“ Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.” Matthew 6:34

When I first started reading Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now”, I thought that it seemed written specifically for me. I never realized that there were enough people who lived their lives thinking so much about the past and future that someone could make a living writing books about them. To be able to not fret over past mistakes or worry about future responsibilities seems like an unreachable dream. I tell friends all the time to live in the now that no other time is guaranteed, but to live by that creed myself is practically impossible.

Most of my time is spent anticipating some future event. I pick out an event such as a party, a concert, or a vacation and I survive my days by counting down to that event. Of course, as soon as that event arrives I am already trying to find me another event with which to look forward. My deepest depressions seem to come right after one of these events has passed when I do not have another one lined up in the wings.

How do I learn to live in the now? To enjoy each moment God has graciously given to me? Even as I sit here on Friday writing this blog part of my mind is dwelling on the fact that I do not have any special plans for this weekend. While I will be happy to have a weekend where nothing has to get done, still I realize that will leave my mind so much time to spend dreading Monday morning. I know already that I will wake up tomorrow morning and instead of taking a deep breath soaking in a beautiful day off; I will begin counting in my head the hours I have before being forced to return to the drudgeries of the work week.

Jesus tells us to not worry about our tomorrows that they will take care of themselves. He is trying to tell us in His own comforting way that the only moment we are guaranteed is the one we are living in at the present. Tolle stresses this same point more graphically in his book. Am I capable of taking this advice and relishing each moment in time? Can I lay down both my regrets of past mistakes and my fears of the future? I am not sure that I can change 46 years of thought processes, but I am trying.

Now what can I plan for tomorrow?

The Easter Parade

2009-04-10T13:58:00.000-07:00

“He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.” Matthew 28:6

When I was a child all Easter meant to me was fun…Easter bunny, Easter basket full of candy, Easter egg hunts… the day had absolutely nothing to do with religion. Having grown up in the Church of Christ, we did not celebrate Christmas or Easter as religious holidays. Luckily for me though, unlike my one Jehovah’s Witness friend, we were allowed to celebrate them as man-made holidays. I can remember though always wondering why we did not celebrate Easter on Saturday, so to not have to break up the frivolity by having to go to church. How much simpler life was as a child.

Once I joined the Episcopal Church I came to realize what a significance other religions put on Easter. Quite a difference from having grown up being taught that yes we are supposed to celebrate the Lord’s resurrection, but we should do that every first day of the week. Now that I am not affiliated with any religion, I think Easter means more to me than ever before. I look at it as a day of renewal after a long, dark winter. A day to celebrate not only the sacrifice that Christ gave for us, but also all the miracles of life God has granted us.

My life right now is not in the best place. New rumors at work have us moving to a new building in July. This new building only holds about 200 people, which would mean around 80 of us would be losing our jobs between now and then. While I do not think I would be one of those at this point, it still makes a dismal working environment even darker. This new building is also about 15 miles from my house, as opposed to the 2 mile commute I have now. While my life away from work is actually in a good place right now, the worries of my job keep me from enjoying my free time.

What I would ask for myself during this time of celebration and renewal is the ability to forget the hassles of work as I walk out the door. To have the capability to close off my mind to things I have no control over would be a true miracle. To be able to enjoy my family, my friends, and this beautiful time of the year without this constant nagging in the back of my head would be true peace. During this time when we are celebrating Christ dying and being resurrected to save our souls, I pray for a little peace for my heart and my mind as well. May the peace of God be with us all!

Friends In The Computer Age

2009-04-08T06:33:00.000-07:00

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13

For the last two weeks my internet has been down at my house. Actually had that occurred a few months ago, I would have hardly noticed. Times they are a changin’ though. I use to when thinking about keeping up with my friends would either have a long phone call or plan a lunch date, now it seems e-mails and facebook chat has come to rule my life. Is this a good thing or not? Martin would certainly say it has been bad since he had to buy a new pc since I never let him use our old one anymore.

It amazes me that with some of my closest friends my interaction is 90% on-line. I share thoughts and emotions with these people that I have always had problems sharing with friends in the past. I can only guess that the introvert in me has finally found this great way to be able to express himself without actual face-to-face or voice-to-voice contact. I have always found it easy to write down feelings that I would never be able to actually say to anyone. Internet chat has provided me a way to do that while actually sharing those thoughts with someone. Of course the problem is that there are times when I do have to interact personally with these friends, and when I do I am even more nervous and embarrassed than usual realizing how much they know about me.

Right now other than my partners, there are four people that I consider to be close friends. These are people that at one time or another I have shared things with that I would never dare share with my other friends. These are four men that I have such great love for that at times it scares the hell out of me. Each of them, though most do not realize it, has found a way to capture a part of my heart that leaves me feeling so vulnerable. I think with most people I am great at putting on this ‘cold bastard’ act, but in actuality I am so extremely sensitive. I worry constantly about how other people perceive me. Having these people who not only see some of the brightest parts of me, but also some of my darkest corners can really at times cause me fear. While I consider myself to be trustworthy, I have never been one who was able to easily trust others. I am now trying my best to combat these fears and allow myself to be more open. It is not an easy thing to do!

When Jesus compares our love for our friends with His love for us, it hardly seems fair. While most of us would like to think we would give up our lives for our friends, I think in reality giving a kidney might be further than most people would be willing to go. I believe though that in being willing to share those special private parts of ourselves we are in one way laying down our lives. When you have faith enough to completely expose a part of your soul to someone else… well to me that is the meaning of true friendship.

Working 9 To 5...If Only

2009-03-31T13:46:00.000-07:00

“For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.” II Thessalonians 3:10

The past two weekends before this last one had been so packed full of fun activities that I did not have time to let my usual ‘I hate work’ depression set in and keep me upset. This last weekend started out much the same with a nice potluck dinner at a friend’s house followed by attending a funny play ‘Southern Baptist Sissies’. The weekend slowly went downhill from there though. Saturday I discovered that my phone and internet services are completely out, and probably will not be restored for at least a week. On Sunday, Martin and I drove to Cullman to carry flowers to Lee’s gravesite. His 53rd birthday would have been on March 30th. Yes, those two days were the perfect set-up for my usual end of the weekend funk.

Does everyone hate their job, or is it just me? I know in the work climate that we all live in that I should be ecstatic to have a job of any kind. I have worked at the same company for over 25 years now. For 24 of those years, I did the same job one I knew like the back of my hand. There was absolutely no thinking involved. A lot of the jobs at our company are being moved to Texas, so about a year ago to preserve my employment I moved into a different department. I took a much harder job, with longer work hours for no more pay. Well we all no the ‘cannot teach an old dog new tricks’ statement, and in my case that has certainly been the truth.

The worse part of this job however is not the fact that most of it is way over my head complicated, but that I have to now on a regular basis deal with users both here and in Texas for whom I program. I am so incredibly introverted that I will sit at my desk for hours getting nothing done just dreading a 5 minute face-to-face meeting with someone. I waste so much time trying to figure out ways to get my job done through e-mails rather than vocally. Add that to the fact that all of us who work here know we are living on borrowed time. The day will come either sooner or later when all our jobs are moved to Texas. The scariest part of that is that it could happen today or 5 years from now without warning.

I know that not only do people have to work to survive, but according to God people should work. He expects everyone to earn their way in this world He has given to us. I have no problem with that with the proof that I have worked at the same company for all these years, and have always been considered by my bosses and co-workers to be an exemplary employee. My largest problem with my job is that I constantly worry about it. At night, I lie in bed thinking about what I have to get done at work the next day, and scared that I am going to be too tired to perform because of my lack of sleep. On weekends I find it hard to make myself do anything enjoyable because I am constantly dreading the following Monday. If only I could learn to leave the worries of this job at the door, I think I would be able to take a large step toward my overall happiness. If only…those words make up so much of my life.

Just As I Am

2009-03-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

“Now there was leaning on Jesus’ bosom one of his disciples, whom Jesus loved.” John 13:23

A second really good weekend in a row for me, perhaps I am on a roll. I spent Friday night with two special men catching up on my Battlestar Galactica tapes, Saturday was a whirlwind of helping my partner Martin get snacks ready for his choir social, Saturday night I had a great time at the social and dinner after with friends, and then on Sunday Martin and I caught a movie before going to supper with friends. A very full weekend one that would normally have exhausted me; but now looking back on it I feel not exhaustion, but joy. Two months ago if I had a weekend like that by Sunday night I would have been crying my eyes out. I used my weekends for one reason, and that was to rest by myself to store up energy to make it through the next work week. My question is why do I feel differently now?

I really feel that a lot of my change in attitude is because of new friends coming into my life. Not that I have not always had a large group of friends who love me. Eight years ago when I lost Lee, all my friends gathered around into a strong cohesive whole to take care of me. As the years have passed by though we have all slowly drifted apart. Sure we still get together for dinners and parties, but we never really talk to each other any more. Sometimes I feel that those of us who still get together on a regular basis just do it out of habit. As my friends have moved into their own lives, I have moved more and more into myself. While I still see my friends once or twice a week, I mainly keep all my thoughts and emotions locked deep inside. This has all started to change for me recently with these new friends showing up in my life questioning me, and more importantly making me question myself.

A friend of mine the other day called me in an email ‘just’ a friend. I, of course, realize he was trying to make a point, and did not think that I would find his words hurtful. My problem with the word ‘just’ is that when used in the conjunction with the word ‘friend’ seems to me to be synonymous with ‘not worthwhile’. Of course, no one would ever consider a friend to be not worthwhile, but to me that word seems to lessen the meaning of friend. While I was nursing my hurt feelings I got to thinking though, do I consider a lot of my friends to be ‘just’ friends? I hate to admit to myself, but maybe I do. While I love and cherish each and every one of them, I cannot imagine sharing my inner self with them. I would be there for them in an emergency, as they would for me, but would never dream of calling them up to tell them how my life is going. I would think why burden them when they all have their own problems with which to deal.

The apostle John always took pains to point out that he was the disciple whom Jesus loved, but in truth Jesus loved all his friends. He was there; He is there for everyone in whatever way He is needed. I think I need to learn a lesson from Him. I need to stop worrying about descriptions, after all I know my friends will always accept me as I am. Instead I need to make sure that I never treat any of them as ‘just’ a friend.

Constant Craving

2009-03-16T11:41:00.000-07:00

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” Psalm 23:1

This past weekend was one of my best in recent memory. It began well on Friday night with me going out with a new group of friends. I had such a great time, and feel so privileged to be included in this group. Saturday was a ‘me’ day, where I just lounged around and read until the evening when I went to a Birmingham broadway show at the civic center. On Sunday, I actually dragged my lazy self out of the bed and met a good friend for church at Southside Baptist before having lunch with him. The rest of Sunday afternoon I spent having coffee at Starbucks with another new friend. All in all a glorious weekend, that should have satisfied even the hungriest of souls.

So why did I still want more?

That is a question I have asked myself all my life, but have thus far been unable to answer. Truthfully, I had completely given up on even trying to figure out the ins and outs of my mind. That is until recently when this new friend came into my life. Now his influence has me questioning all my thought processes. As I have mentioned in the past so often I feel like I am just surviving life. I go through all the right motions. I do my job, eat my meals, clean my house, make love to my partners, smile at my friends; but I do it all without any gusto. I doubt as every one goes about their own lives that they even notice. After all, I am a pretty good actor with years of practice, but I notice every single moment of my life.

When David penned the 23rd Psalm, he was talking mainly about spiritual needs, not physical ones. While I truly believe the Lord will provide for my spiritual well being, I think it is up to each individual to provide for their own earthly happiness. God cares about whether I am happy, but He does not directly influence it. I realize today more than ever, that I am completely responsible for my own happiness. It is up to me to decide where I go with the next 46 years of my life. The day will come when I will be with the Lord, and no longer want. Until that day I can continue to sit in a black hole letting no one in to my well sheltered existence, or I can open up my life stop ‘wanting’ and start living. Only time will tell if I make the right choice…

Boys Don't Cry

2009-03-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

“Jesus wept.” John 11:35

The shortest verse in the entire bible is one that speaks volumes. From a very early age, I was taught if not by word at least by example that men are not supposed to cry. Growing up I never once saw my father show any emotional response. I believe that when his mother passed away that he probably did cry because he went to the funeral home the morning before she was buried and sat with her body for about 3 hours. He did not go to the services though, and my guess is that was because he was afraid he would break down. Women of course could cry, when my mom’s parents died in a car wreck she went into a downward spiral that lasted for years. For days at a time she would lock herself in a darkened bedroom and cry constantly. My parents also would think nothing of my sister crying, but even when I was being punished I was told, “Don’t you dare cry, or I’ll give you something to really cry about.” I was pretty much taught to never show an emotional response to anything that occurred.

What effect did all that have on me in my adult life? Well I am probably one of the most emotional people in the world, but hardly anyone knows. I have become very adept at keeping a wall around myself. I probably cry ten times as much as any normal person, but I never allow anyone to see me crying. I imagine my partners, my friends, my family and my co-workers all see me as this cold, unemotional man. That could not be further from the truth. I take everything to heart. The slightest praise I leap on, the slightest insults cut me to the quick. I allow things to build up inside me all day, and then find myself lying in bed at night crying myself to sleep. How much better it would be for my mental health to be able to release these emotions as I feel them.

I am really trying to make a concerted effort to if not completely break the shell that I have encased myself in, then to at least make it more porous. By writing this blog, by allowing myself to make new friends, by forcing myself to be open and honest with one friend, by paying more attention to my needs, by all these ways I think I am slowly moving forward for the first time in years. I do not know if I will ever be able to be completely at ease showing my emotions, but I feel good about the progress I have made in just one month. Jesus had no problems with weeping in public, maybe one day I will be able to follow his example.

Losing My Religion

2009-03-08T14:19:00.001-07:00

“Salute one another with an holy kiss. The churches of Christ salute you.” Romans 16:16

Thus far I have begun each of my blogs with a bible quotation. While I probably will not keep that practice up forever, it has helped me keep my mind concentrated on what I would like to write. Since I am quoting the bible quite a bit in my blogs, I thought it would be good to share my religious background. I was raised in what I think most people would consider the strictest religion – the church of Christ.

The church of Christ believes that the New Testament completely supersedes the Old Testament. They also follow Revelations 22: 18-19 to the letter: “For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.” Personally, while I feel that those particular verses only mean the book of Revelations, the church of Christ thinks they mean the entire New Testament. They believe that the New Testament as is was completely inspired by God. That it is His law to be followed to the letter.

Growing up in the church was a mixed blessing – it instilled into me a strong moral code of which I am thankful for having, but also tried to convince me that I would be going to hell for just living my life. Having known I was gay practically all my life, it made it almost impossible for me as a child to reconcile the feelings I had with the beliefs my parents and the church tried to force on me. My father died believing his son was living in sin, while my mom still will not admit to herself that her son is gay. The church not only messed with my head as a child, but kept my parents and myself from ever having a close relationship.

I stopped going to church when I was 18, and did not return to an organized religion until I turned 33. Finally I thought I had found a religion in the Episcopal church that accepted me the way God made me. I started for the first time in my life to enjoy going to church, but 9 years later something else happened to once again turn me away from organized religion. When what should have been a happy day for me, a gay man was made a bishop in the church, the dean of the cathedral I was attending hung a black flag out in front of the church building to show his disdain for the decision. Once again I felt I had been betrayed by religion.

Now 5 years have passed since I attended religious services on a consistent basis. I have such a strong belief in God that I feel the need to find a church to worship Him, but I just have no idea where I would feel welcome. It certainly will not be in the church I was brought up in for there I know I will never be accepted. I find it almost funny that two male members of that church would never kiss each other, when the very verse they use to take the name of their church from instructs them to always greet each other with a kiss. I am not sure if it will be the Episcopal church either, though I have yet to write them off completely because of the actions of one congregation. While I may never find a church that I am comfortable attending, I do have complete faith that in Jesus’ eyes my being gay is not a sin.

I sit here on the Lord’s Day writing this just hoping for inspiration, but though I may have lost my religion…I know I have not lost my soul.

Boats Against the Current

2009-03-04T19:09:00.000-08:00

“And He said, Come. And Peter went down from the boat, and walked upon the waters to come to Jesus.” Matthew 14:29

I decided it might be good for me to explain how I came up with the title I chose for my blog “A Boat Against The Current”. While I consider the title to be the perfect description of me, the words actually came from the final paragraph of my favorite book – F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby”. Nick Carraway’s monologue describing the sad existence of Jay Gatsby goes as follows:

“Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther... And one fine morning -
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

I feel that I have lived my entire life fighting against the current, chasing that green light without ever gaining any ground. I have never been satisfied of where I stood at any moment in time. I can spend hours lying in bed mapping out different scenarios of where my life would be if I had done one thing instead of another in the past. Just as often I might be found sitting around fantasizing about futures that will probably never come to be. Sometimes I think I live half of my life through daydreams while the real world flows right past me.

I am not blind to the gifts God has bestowed upon me though. From an outward point-of-view, I realize my life is one that would make most people extremely envious. I have not one, but two handsome, intelligent men who for some unexplainable reason absolutely adore me. I have numerous loving friends, am fairly healthy for my age, have a beautiful home, and a well paying (if unrewarding) job. So why then am I so unsatisfied? You cannot imagine how often I ask myself that question. Perhaps I just do not have the innate capability to be happy.

When in the book of Matthew, Peter starts to sink beneath the waves Jesus says to him, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” Like Peter, I find myself full of doubt. Not in Jesus though, but in myself. I have absolutely no faith in any decision I make. If only I could find a way to rise above the waves, trust my instincts, find joy in the life God has granted me, enjoy the times I have with my friends, and bask in the glow of love these men have deemed to share with me. If only I had faith in me - so I beat on…

Snow Fell On Alabama

2009-03-01T12:28:00.000-08:00

“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7

I woke up this morning to what I think is the most beautiful, peaceful scene in the world – an Alabama snowfall. When I was a young boy we seemed to have snows of this sort 2 or 3 times a year. Now whether because of global warming or whatever, it seems we only get days like this 2 or 3 times a decade. As a kid, I would first go out with my Dad and my sister to build a snowman, and then Mom would call us in to eat some snow cream. That would be it for family time. My parents and my sister would then go about their own lives inside, while I would disappear outside to play with my friends for the rest of the day. Seems then I could stand the cold for hours on end, now my old body is more than ready for a toasty fire after just 30 minutes or so of the cold, white beauty.

I cannot express the peace I felt this morning, so different than my normal days of living constantly on the edge. This morning we sat by a roaring fire, drinking hot chocolate, watching the snow fall, and enjoying the children across the street building a snowman. A little later we bundled up and went for a long walk in the pouring snow taking pictures along the way in hopes of reliving the peace of this day at a later time. Now after having had a nice brunch at the Tron, I’m relaxing in my easy chair contemplating the few hours of peace this beautiful day brought into my life. How thankful I am of these few moments of respite from the daily worries we all have to face.

Peace of heart, peace of mind, something we all hope for, but so often find almost impossible to attain. I find days where I am truly at peace to be as rare as snow in Alabama. I am truthfully not sure why I spend so many of my days and nights worrying not only about the mistakes I have made in the past, but those I fear I will make in the future. I spend hours trying to make even the simplest decisions. I pray daily for the ability to understand my own mind, my own heart.

Well the afternoon is racing along, the sun is shining brightly, the snow will be completely gone soon, and the real world will come crashing back down on us. I go now to enjoy the rest of this beautiful day, so thankful to God for the peace I have felt today. There will be time enough tomorrow for me to return to my worries and fears, today I will simply enjoy the peace which certainly passeth my understanding.

The Joys of Jury Duty

2009-02-25T18:56:00.000-08:00

“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” Matthew 7:1

Next week I get to serve time on jury duty. In the 28 years that I have been eligible, I have been called to be a part of that great institution 12 times. I know many people my age and older who have never been chosen, but I guess I’m one of the lucky few. Out of the previous 11 times, I was chosen to be on a jury 10 of them. I doubt that will happen this time.

One of the questions they invariably ask is “have any of you been yourself or know someone who has been a victim of a violent crime?” It seems that a ‘yes’ answer to that question is the best way to be struck. While in my previous terms my answer had always been ‘no’, this time that will change.

Eight years ago, I lost my partner when he was killed in our home by a worthless man he had been trying to help. For a couple of years before his death, Lee had been involved in an affair with another man. When that relationship ended, I think he started being mired in guilt. He decided to ask the help of a therapist in dealing with this guilt. While I have no problems with therapy as a whole, I feel his gave him terrible advice. It seems he was told the best way to work through his guilt was to try to do good things for less fortunate people. He began first by helping handicapped people, but soon moved on to lending a hand, money, even supplying motel rooms for crack addicts and homeless individuals. While I didn’t know his reasons for this charitable change on his part, I did try to talk him into being more careful with whom he hung around.

One night, when I was out of town one of these homeless crack addicts showed up at our house around midnight trying to get more money out of Lee. He made the mistake of telling the guy he could stay the night on our couch, but that he couldn’t give him anymore money. That night this monster killed Lee, took what money and jewelry he could find, and stole one of our cars. I found my partner a couple of days later when I returned home lying dead on the floor.

I’m not a big fan of the Birmingham police, or the Jefferson County court system. While 4 months later this guy was arrested with my cancelled credit card still in his possession, he ended up serving very little time in jail. It seems the police had made a lot of mistakes in the evidence gathering, and so the County DA thought it best to make a plea bargain with the man. Instead of being charged with murder and burglary, he was allowed to plead guilty to the lesser charge of manslaughter. He was given a 20 year sentence, but only forced to serve 5 years in prison. So now while Lee’s short life is gone forever, this man is already free to walk the streets of Birmingham. No, I don’t think the defense would ever allow me to serve on a jury again.

I don’t think Jesus meant for us not to judge people when they are doing wrong. I think he was warning us that God would use the same criteria to judge us one day, as we use when we judge others. I feel as human beings we will always end up judging people on things such as their skin color, sexual orientation, or even the clothes they wear or the things they think. I believe petty judgments like these were always looked down on by Christ, and they are something we should strive to rise above in our own lives. Not an easy thing to accomplish, but the harder we try perhaps the easier the final judgment will be for us.

A Beginning...

2009-02-22T15:02:00.000-08:00

"In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth." - Genesis 1:1

Beginnings are always difficult be they a fresh love affair, a move to a new home, the first day on a job, the start of a friendship, or trying to write your first blog. I've been writing poetry since I was 14 years old, but trying to put my thoughts and emotions into blog form is a completely new experience. A very special friend of mine told me recently that he finds writing his blog to be a catharsis. I am hoping for the same results!

How does one write about beginnings when at 46 he already feels his life has come to an end. Over the last year it has seemed that instead of living life, I'm simply surviving it. My days have become filled with unrewarding work - my nights with restless sleep. I find myself praying for new experiences to bring joy, laughter, and passion into my life. I cannot forget though the words of Karen Blixen, "When the gods want to punish us, they answer our prayers." I have come to fear that if my prayers were answered not only would I continue to want more, but also sadness might be brought to those I care about the most.

God didn't just create the earth, but also the flawed individuals who walk upon it. Perhaps I should be content with the happiness I bring to those I love, but as one of His flawed creations I find that contentment beyond my reach. My hopes in breaking my self-imposed boundaries and starting this blog are that I will be able to better understand my thoughts, explore my dreams, combat my fears, and live my life. Not sure at this point whether I will be successful, but it is a beginning...