Somewhere In Between

“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” Psalms 51:10

I seem to live my life fluctuating somewhere in between true happiness and dismal sorrow. I always strive so hard to reach nirvana only to have it slip through my fingers just when it seems within reach. I find it hard to write in my blog anymore because it seems I have a pattern of writing about a wonderful happening in my life only to turn around a short time later to write about once again losing everything. Still after going five months without writing, I feel compelled to at least write on this the third anniversary of my first one. Over the last four months, I have felt a true renewal of my spirit. Hopefully by writing about my new chance at happiness here will not in any way compromise that renewal.

When last I checked in my life was in complete turmoil. I had lost really important relationships with three people whom I cared about very much. Though I guess in hindsight if I had cared about them more, and had taken the time to understand what each of them really needed in a relationship I might not have lost them. For 25 years, I tried to be the perfect partner to Martin by allowing him to make all the important decisions in our life. Would he still be in my life if I had been more willing to take charge? For 9 years, I allowed Joe to live his life apart. Would we still be enjoying our lives together if I had forced him to become an open partner? For 5 months, I pampered Crocket trying to be just the opposite of the cruel men he had in his life. Would I have lost him if instead I had treated him more sternly? This needs to be the last time I ask these questions of myself though. As I try to start the rest of my life anew; I need to yes learn from my past mistakes, but never again dwell on them. It is truly time to move forward.

The main reason behind this new sense of possibilities that I feel is having Gaines come into my life in such a special way. Like most of the people I have had relationships with he began as a really good friend. While he has been in my life as a friend for about 3 years now, during the last 4 months he has come to mean so much more to me. The funny thing is that at one time or another Martin, Joe, and Crocket were all jealous of Gaines being in my life, but at those times we were truthfully nothing more than good friends. At a Halloween party this last October, we met up though and have since been pretty much inseparable. Where we will go from here at this point I am not at all sure, but I think we are both enjoying this new aspect to our long term relationship.

I am so thankful to Gaines for being so very careful with my heart. It was unbelievable luck that he was there to catch me when I fell from such a great height. With all the changes in my life over the last year I am constantly asking myself what is real and what is a dream (or a nightmare)? Hopefully though with his help I can find myself, and quit living my life somewhere in between…

A Decade of Silence

“A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.” Proverbs 15:13

I find it unbelievable that it has been ten years since we lost you! So many people right now are remembering the events of 9/11, but to me those events were quickly overshadowed by my losing you. I remember like it was yesterday the last time I saw you as I was driving off for my half-day at work on the Thursday before your death. You were sitting in that old familiar pose on our front porch drinking your sweet tea and smoking your cigarette. How often I berated you for smoking, but if you were here with me right now I would gladly let you smoke inside!

So many changes have occurred in my and Martin’s lives since you left us. We almost made it ten years without you, but because of my stupidity just did not quite get there. You would be so disappointed in where we are now, but unlike Martin me and you never expected more from each other than what we knew the other could give so I doubt you would be too surprised. We needed you though and your wonderful way of mediating. I know you can imagine how deafening the 10 years of silence we have had without the mouthpiece of our Triad. I think the biggest mistake both Martin and I made was ever allowing the three of us to start a relationship together. It taught me that it was ok for me to love more than one person, but truthfully to him it was never right. Just because we lost you though, I could not change. He was perfectly able to keep just me in his heart, but I was still able to open mine up to more people. Two men have stolen a piece of my heart during the last decade. When Joe came along, Martin at least pretended he cared about him as well and the three of us were together for eight years. Then this past year though when Crocket snuck up on me, I guess that was just more than he could accept. He threw me out of the house, Joe out of his life, and has since become involved with someone new. Now here is the kicker…Joe has decided he is scared to be in my life because he cannot trust me any longer and Crocket has told me that he never actually had any feelings for me and has dropped me completely out of his life. So now your silly man, who just a few months ago had three men vying for his affection, is left completely alone. I can see you smiling at the irony!

Yes, your smile! That is the thing I miss the most about you. Martin and I were both so damned serious all the time, but not you. You, my buddy, were always so childlike in your appreciation of the world. That picture of you smiling as you are working in our fish pond is still one of my most prized possessions. I have to admit that most days now go by without me hardly thinking of you at all. I know that is horrible, and I am not even sure when it started being that way. Still though on those days you thought of as special such as birthdays, Halloween, and most importantly Christmas; I think of you and both laugh and cry with my memories of your merry laughter.

So now Lee, I move on much more alone than after our 15 years came to such an abrupt end. After 25 years of love and life with Martin, after 8 years of love and life with Joe, and after almost 5 months of love and life with Crocket; I am now starting life completely from scratch with most definitely a sorrowful heart and a broken spirit. I only hope that one day my heart will be cheerful again, and I will be able to remember the good times I cherished with each of you. If that day comes maybe I will be able to remember the love each of us shared, rather than the pain of our losses. Please know that though you are not constantly in my thoughts you are sorely missed and very much loved! Until we meet again…

Happy Anniversary, Baby

“Lover and friend hast thou put far from me, and mine acquaintance into darkness.” Psalms 88:18

Today would have been my 25th anniversary had I not made the mistake of falling so deeply and so quickly for Crocket. For almost 25 years, I lived with and loved one of the most wonderful men in the world. All during those years, friends and enemies alike wondered aloud how Martin could possibly put up with me. Looking at my average appearance, my bad personality, my asinine thought processes, and my general evil nature; I cannot say that I blamed them. Still though we were exact opposites in most things, we seemed to find a way to make it work.

The funny thing is that while there have been quite a few times in the past where I considered giving up on our relationship, I did not consider doing it because of Crocket. Now I was planning on having him in my life, but I just planned to keep Martin as well. It certainly was not without precedence that I should think that would be a perfectly acceptable solution. There has only been one 21 month period during our entire relationship that it was only the two of us alone together. While I did not expect Martin and Crocket to become partners, I did think that I would be able to keep them both in my life. Actually for the first 5 weeks after I told Martin about my feelings for Crocket, it seemed that was exactly what would happen. He continued to treat us both in the same way he always had, and went as far as going to dinner, drinks and movies with us. Then I guess out of the blue something clicked inside his head and he realized he could not live that way.

Yes, perhaps in hindsight at that point I should have done as Crocket has since done to me and dropped him cold while begging Martin for forgiveness; but I was much too caught up in my love for Crocket to let him go completely. While it is a mistake I will have to pay for the rest of my life, it is also one I will have to find a way to live with and move on. I think what bothers me the most is how cold emotionally this has made Martin. I asked him earlier this week if he would like to go to dinner with me tonight. I told him I thought it might be good for both of us to help us in our growing process. While he agreed to go with me without any hesitation, he added that we could use the time alone to discuss what we were going to do about our house. Of course that makes perfect sense in a very frigidly, logical way to discuss divorce proceedings on the actual day of your anniversary. Then last night he did a complete about face, and wrote me explaining that he did not feel like going to dinner with me on what would have been our anniversary. He bluntly said that I needed to just let him go, and that we could get together some other time to discuss the division of assets. It is not just me though that he has turned a cold shoulder toward. While he has already roped himself a new boyfriend, he no longer sees any of his old friends except once a week at choir. I hate knowing that my actions have caused such a change in this man that I have loved for so many years.

So tonight for our silver anniversary, I am sure Martin will have dinner and enjoy the evening with his new friend in my house. For myself, I will sit alone in the home I tried to build for me and Crocket. There I will drink, I will cry, and I will once again descend into darkness…

Fools Rush In...

“As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.” Proverbs 26:11

Well even for me where big changes in my life always seem to come fast and out-of-nowhere this one was exceptionally quick. Truthfully my mind, heart, and soul all feel like they were struck by lightning. For the second time in the same year, I went to bed thinking my life had just about reached perfection only to wake up the next day to total chaos. The new life that Crocket and I were building together was torn away from me by his refusal to grow and move on with his life. The lazy man that he is found it simpler and more advantageous for him to return to his old life even if it meant living forever without love.

I could certainly sit here and write for days analyzing Crocket. I could list his fears, insecurities, issues, and mistakes; but this blog is supposed to be about me. Really the only thing needed to be known about him to understand where I am at this point is that he is an emotionally scarred, young boy who allows himself to be ruled not by the love he feels, but instead by his deeply embedded fears. He does not know how to accept true love into his life, but feels much more comfortable living life as a possession rather than a partner. Those are issues that I pray one day he will be able to combat, but he has made it clear that he does not want my help in doing so.

Analyzing myself is much more difficult because every choice Crocket makes no matter how bad it is for him he at least can come up with a reason behind it. Now where he is concerned that reason certainly has a 50/50 chance of being a lie, but still it is a reason nonetheless. I have no reasons or excuses for having allowed myself to fall in love with him. I certainly have no excuse for having allowed him to come back into my life in April after he had already shattered my heart! I think many of my friends would say it was caused by a mid-life crisis of a 48 year old man just having his heart swayed by someone half his age actually showing sexual interest in him. Others if they knew his whole story would probably say that my need to protect those who cannot protect themselves came bursting out and moved my heart. While certainly I will admit that both of those theories probably played into the beginnings of my relationship with him, the actual truth though is that in the end I simply fell in love with a remarkable man. No, he is most definitely not remarkable on the outside. You have to be patient and willing to dig through all the layers to get to that special man inside. I think I am the only person who has been lucky enough or patient enough to be able to view that part of him, if only for a split second before he closed the shell back around himself.

When I allowed Crocket back into my life, I truly was a fool returning to his folly. Instead of using common sense, I allowed myself to be ruled by the absolute love in my heart for him. Would I be willing to give up the memories of the last 4 ½ months of love and partnership we have shared even though they leave me each night on the verge of despair? The answer is most definitely not! Would I ever make the mistake of allowing him back into my life again? To quote the song, “wise men never fall in love..."

Changes in Attitude, Changes in Latitude

“If a man die, shall he live again? all the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come.” Job 14:14

Well after 49 years of having never lived alone, and almost 25 of those years being lived with the same person; I for the first time in my life rented an apartment. It is a fearful step I take without Martin by my side, one that just a few months ago I would have thought impossible. I have lived most of my life very controlled, so I was knocked off my feet when these drastic changes came so quickly and unexpectedly.

I guess looking back on it I should not have been so surprised since most of the issues that have led to my break-up with Martin were caused by me. Still coming home one Sunday to find my suitcases pulled out of the attic and sitting on my floor was something of a shock. Of course, at that point I truthfully thought he just wanted a short separation to mull things over. I never dreamed that the 4th of July would actually become his Independence Day from me. So after 24 years and 306 days, my life as Martin’s partner came to an abrupt end.

We became partners on August 31st of 1986 at a pre-Labor Day barbeque, and officially separated on July 4th of 2011 after I returned home from a 4th of July barbeque. During those almost 25 years, we lived through many good and bad times. The worst of course being our loss of Lee back in 2001. It surprised me at that time that our relationship survived the loss, and perhaps in retrospect it did not. We seemed to become more just good friends than partners especially a year later when Joe came into our lives. The last eight years as we have lived, eaten, vacationed, laughed and cried together; I guess we really were doing it more as three buddies than as three life partners.

Now though as I begin my new life, it is not me that I am worried about. I am lucky enough to have Crocket to stand beside me. He has been my savior this year bringing happiness back to my heart and life back to my soul. Instead, it is the other two whose future has me worried. While in the long run, I think it will be harder on Martin to live on his on since Joe has done so in the past; still Joe is the one who has me most concerned. Martin made these choices on his own. He could have kept either both Joe and me or just Joe in his life had he chosen to do so. Instead he made the decision to erase us both out of his life, even though Joe had done nothing to deserve that treatment. So while I hope he finds happiness, I do not hold myself responsible for helping him move on. Joe on the other hand had no choice. After giving his love to us for 8 years, he had us both in one way or another turn our backs on him. While Martin does not appear to be bothered by his part in this, I cannot help but feel sad for having hurt him so deeply. At this point, Joe and I have seemingly come to an understanding that while our relationship will never be the same hopefully we will be able to stay a part of each other’s life.

Change has always been difficult for me, but in some ways I do feel like I have been born again into a brand new life. I am no longer sitting around hoping for a better change to come; instead I am starting fresh in a new home walking hand in hand with Crocket. Perhaps change is not always a bad thing…

Our Day Will Come

“But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.” Romans 8:25

My entire life has seemed like a ride on a rollercoaster with extreme highs followed rapidly by severe lows. Therefore it is really no surprise that the last two months have been a microcosm of the rest of my life. I started out March on quite a high only to see it shot down to where most of the month I spent feeling lower than I have ever felt before. Then just when I was about to give up on ever feeling better the month of April came in with unbelievable joy.

As more and more days in March kept passing, I truthfully thought my friendship with Crocket was beyond repair. I thought the differences between what my needs in the friendship in comparison to what he was able to give were irreconcilable. Each time we saw each other he just seemed to pull further away. Then as we entered April, he seemed to take a complete about face. All of a sudden he started responding positively to my outstretched hand. Slowly, but surely our friendship seemed to right itself. At first we just started e-mailing and texting each other again, and then we progressed to dinners and drinks. Now we seem to not only be back to where we were before March, but we have grown even closer.

I think the issue that caused the biggest rift was not any differences between us, but instead how our respective partners might view our growing relationship. It seems to me that whether you are involved in a relationship for 2 years or 20 years any change in the status quo can bring about jealousy. I truthfully have never understood jealousy. It is not an emotion that I had ever felt myself, so I am amazed at the extreme negative influence it can have on all types of relationships. Why cannot people just see that we are all capable of loving many different people in many different ways, and that the love you feel for one person does not in any way diminish the love you feel for another?

While Crocket’s issues dealt mainly with jealousy, my depression was caused mainly by a lack of patience on my side. Had I been willing to just relax and wait out the initial few weeks, perhaps I could have saved myself a lot of worry. On the other hand, had I not been willing to continue to push Crocket to make the hard decision to keep me in his life maybe we still would be estranged. Now patience is something we are both going to have to learn as we continue to hope that our relationship will conquer all the obstacles it faces and grow into a lasting one. Hopefully our love for each other will be strong enough that sometime in the future our day will come…

What A Difference A Day Makes

"But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." II Peter 3:8

24 little hours...

Bad things can happen in a day! One day I had just boarded a cruise ship in New Orleans, and I called to say goodbye to my parents. I talked with my Dad for about 10 minutes, and he told me to have a great time. The next day he is gone, and I am left trying to find a way home from Jamaica for his funeral.

One day I am at the beach having a great time. That evening from one of Lee’s favorite restaurants at Gulf Shores I call home to tell him how I wished he could be there with me. The next day he is gone, killed by someone he thought of as a friend.

Before you think I am completely negative, though if you read this blog all the time you have already figured that out, there are good things that can happen in a day! One day I went over Martin and Lee’s house for a barbeque supper. The next day, we were life partners.

One day my Mother is rushed to the hospital with blood pressure of 40/20, and the doctor says he is not sure what is wrong with her or if she can be stabilized. The next day, she is up walking around the hospital room asking when she can go back to water aerobics.

Yes, it is unbelievable sometimes the changes that can occur in just one day’s time that will forever have an effect on our less than meaningful lives. So where am I headed with this opening salvo, you ask? I recently had another devastating loss in my life. While not a death, it was the loss of a great friend from my life. Once again it happened in just one day. On the first Sunday of March, we got together for coffee and a chat just mainly discussing upcoming events in our lives where we were going to get to spend some time together. When we drove off that evening in separate directions, I was so happy to have built this new, strong friendship. Little did I know that the next day it would come crashing down around me.

Crocket has only been in my life for about six months, and it amazes me with my trust issues how quickly our friendship blossomed. He went from just casual acquaintance, to friend, to one of my closest friends so quickly. He is an amazing man who has been through so much in his life, but found a way to better himself through it all. His knowledge, strength of character, and good heart completely floored me from the moment I got to know him. I found myself opening up to him, sharing my life and my secrets, and truly giving him a piece of my heart. Now though because of a tragic mistake on my part, that beautiful friendship that seemingly had no limitations of where it might lead lies in ruins.

He, of course, says all the right things. That he still cares about me, and still considers me his friend. My ideas of true friendship though are very limited, and a cordial nod when we just happen to run into each other does not meet my definition of what a friend is. At this point I truly doubt I will ever even have a meaningful conversation with him again. Not only does he not want us to have any face-to-face talks anymore, he has asked that I do not even write e-mails to him. For someone like myself who really loves to write to express his thoughts and feelings, this has been truly difficult for me. Like a child, I have found myself even writing status updates and checking-in on Facebook (something I have never done much of in the past), simply hoping he will see it and remember our friendship if only for a minute in time.

Peter writes that time means nothing to God, but we humans are all too aware of the passing of time. For all the changes that occurred in my life between the 6th and 7th of March, it would seem that there had to be like a thousand years in that day. Now each day since then as I cry, and drink, and hope for a better result; seems to last a thousand years for me. As I rapidly approach the end of my fifth decade in this world, I guess I notice more and more the quickly passing time. That makes me hate wasting even a second of precious time! In Elizabeth Taylor’s last tweet to the world she wrote, “Every breath you take today should be with someone else in mind”. Well Crocket for the last couple of months that is exactly where you have been…I am sorry!

1,051,200 Minutes...

"Behold, I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him:" Job 23:8

Well the answer to last year’s blog is…forge ahead. If you do not know what that means then you get a demerit for having not read it. Yes, I have left myself open to a lot more emotional pain over this last year; but in return I have received so much growth and enlightenment in my life. I have reached a point that I now cannot imagine ever retreating into my lonely shell.

The hiking group I joined has continued to enrich my life both with much needed exercise, and in my learning how to be friendly with strangers. The weekend before last I actually went on my first ever hike where I did not have someone lined up to go with me. I realize that does not sound like much of an accomplishment, but please believe to me it was. My outlook on the friendship aspect of my life continues to improve. I have strengthened and re-strengthened old friendships as well as made a few new ones. A new guy in my life has helped me learn to open up and trust more by completely sharing his life story with me. While I imagine I will always have a lot of issues with trust, I am grateful that he has made it so easy for me to rely on him as a confidant. My health had a lot of ups and downs throughout the last year, but my eye doctor says my eyes are still in just a pre-glaucoma stage and nothing else needs to be done at this point. While I still certainly have quite a few back issues, the surgery I had back in November has certainly improved my leg pain. Finally, my life at home continues to be for the most part pleasant. Of course, with three people in a relationship that triples the chances for problems; but most of them we find ways to work through.

Very much like Job, I often find it difficult to move forward; but now I realize the uselessness of looking back. While I realize I have a very long way to go, I do believe that over the last 525,600 minutes I have made great strides in building up confidence in myself. Where will I be once another year passes? Stick around! Like Bette says I am sure the ride will be bumpy, but hopefully it will be fun…

Two of Hearts?

“A wise man's heart is at his right hand; but a fool's heart at his left." Ecclesiastes 10:2

For practically all my life I have had what could be called a queer heart. Now by that I do not mean the fact that I am gay, because I think my heart would be considered different by even most gay standards. I have never seemed to be able to give it to just one person!

During all my high school and college years I dated three different girls, but at the same time I was in a long-term relationship with a boy. Now at this point in his life he would keel over if he thought I had considered our special friendship to be boyfriends, but that is truly what it was. While I felt committed to each of the girls as we were dating, still William held on to a large piece of my heart.

Then at age 24 when I got into my very first long-term adult relationship it was not with just one man, but two. Lee and Martin had been living together for six years before I came crashing into their lives. While the first couple of years were certainly rocky, the three of us finally settled into what was more of an “Ozzie and Harriet” type life than most straight, married couples ever enjoy. For fifteen years up until Lee’s death the three of us lived and loved together. Then Martin and I only lasted as a ‘regular’ couple for a little more than a year before Joe snuck into our lives. Now for the last eight years I have once again been living as part of a threesome.

Now most people would think it impossible to give your heart to two different people at the same time, but for me it seems impossible to not do so. Truthfully even outside of my primary partnerships other people have come along and taken chunks of my heart. Now I am not saying I had sexual relationships with all these people. I do not equate sex with love. While everyone I have had sex with in my life I have loved as a friend, they have not necessarily been given a part of my heart. Then there are others whom I have never touched in a sexual way who happen to own a large piece of my heart. There is one friend whom I had relations with on numerous occasions yet never once felt true love toward. There is another man that for years I was both emotionally and physically close to whom will always hold a part of my heart even though we will never be actual partners in life. Over the last six months another guy has come out of nowhere to stake a claim to a portion of my heart. I doubt seriously I will ever have any type of physical relationship with him, but our emotional ties have grown extremely strong.

God tells us that a wise man’s heart leads him to make correct choices, while a fool’s heart leads him to make wrong ones. I am not sure which way my heart would be classified? I have certainly made both types in my life! So here we are at another Valentine’s Day where I will give cards and gifts to just my two beautiful life partners. Still while I will not be showing it with outward signs of affection, I will be giving my heart to a few others. You know who you are…

I'm So Dizzy

“And herein I give my advice: for this is expedient for you, who have begun before, not only to do, but also to be forward a year ago.” II Corinthians 8:10


My life from the weekend before Thanksgiving until now has flown by so fast that I cannot help but be dizzy. I thought any moment that I would take time to sit down and write a New Year’s blog full of whatever resolutions I probably would not keep, but I never seemed to have the time. On the Monday before Thanksgiving I had back surgery which took up all my spare time with physical therapy, so December and January both have just flown by. The bad news being that I did not get to enjoy the holidays very much, but the good news is that my leg pain seems to be much relieved.

So last year my only resolution was to have ten good days, which I really feel that I was able to accomplish. I actually had some pretty good weeks during 2010. Had it not been for my company moving thirty miles from my house and my excruciating back pain during the last four months then last year would have been one of my better years.

Work moving has really been bad in that it has taken up all of my ‘me’ time. I no longer have the luxury of wind-down time each afternoon, so my temper with partners and friends alike has probably been hard for them to deal with since June. Coupled with the pain I was in I can only imagine what a bitch I must have been to everyone during the last quarter of the year. Hopefully they will forgive me!

One good thing that came out of the last four months was that I gained two new friends. Of course, as usual these days they started out as Martin’s friends from his choir, but quickly became my friends as well. One of the two has really made me feel better about my lot in life. He is actually half my age, and has opened my eyes to so many new thoughts and experiences. What he sees in having an old man like me for a close friend I am not sure, but I certainly am glad that we have bonded. While I have not gotten near as close to the other one, still we have shared a lot of confidences. That sharing that I have been able to do with both of them is what has surprised me the most. For this shy man, it used to take years of friendship with someone before I let down my guard and started trusting. Now I seem to not be as scared at taking chances with my heart.

So after last year's resounding success with my resolution, should I now make an even bolder one this year? I think not. In Paul’s words to the Corinthians he points out that what use are good purposes if after a year they have led to no good deeds. Perhaps this year instead of making promises that would only benefit myself, I need to work on making changes in my life that would benefit others. Especially those I love…

The Long and Winding Road

“And Ananias went his way and entered the house; and laying his hands on him he said, "Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you came, has sent me that you may receive your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit." Acts 9:17

How impossible it seems to me that it has been over six months since I have written a blog. Everyday I have flashes of thoughts that I wish to write down, but never seem to take the time to do so. In June, my company finally did what they had been threatening to do for 5 years. They moved our place of business out of Birmingham to Pelham, so my daily commute went from 2 miles a day to 32 miles. Suffice it to say that move has not been good for either my nerves or my free time. I know I scare both co-workers and friends alike when I say things like it is good that I do not carry a gun in my glove compartment, but that is a truthful statement. I finally realize the true definition of ‘road rage’.

The last six months has been a time of extreme highs and dismal lows for me. Martin, Joe, and I went on a truly fantastic week long trip to San Francisco in June which became not only a highlight of this year, but of my life. In September, Martin and I went with 3 of our friends for our yearly trip to the beach which turned out to be one of the best ever. Perhaps the best news is that 2 new friends have entered my life which both show a lot of promise, and I have continued to get much closer to an old acquaintance. So, on the bright side at the beginning of the year I had hoped for 10 really happy days this year, and I feel I have already more than surpassed that total.

Of course, with me the good always comes with more than its share of bad. My health both physically and mentally has certainly deteriorated since my last blog. For the last 8 years I have been fighting back pain from a degenerative disc, but over the last 6 weeks it has gotten almost unbearable. The pain has become constant and has started affecting my leg and my walking. This week I have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon who hopefully can provide me with some relief without surgery. At work I am just miserable. In this new building we are packed on each other like sardines. I can truly hear every conversation my 12 nearest neighbors have, and for someone who already has concentration issues and who is as slow at their job as me any distraction is not good. At home while I really have nothing to complain about, I seem to never be happy. I was left home alone for most of this last weekend, and in the past that would have been a wonderful thing for me. I normally would have gone out partying with friends, watched all my favorite movies, played for hours on the internet, and ate and drank to my heart’s content. This weekend though I was barely able to force myself to go get a bite to eat. I spent the majority of both days laying on the bed in my boxers crying and feeling sorry for myself.

Like the apostle Paul, I so hope everyday to receive some insight as I travel along the long, winding road of life that will bring about a much needed change in my life. Perhaps I need God to lift the scales from my eyes so I can see how truly well I have it. All I know for sure though is that one day soon I am going to have to find a new map, because on the one I was given all roads seem to lead to a dead-end…

Gimme Fever

“And Jesus answering said unto them, They that are whole need not a physician: but they that are sick. “ Luke 5:31

All my life when I would have a bad cold a couple of times a year, I assumed it was the flu. Now though after being stuck in my house for five days not wanting to even move, I know what the real flu feels like. It kicks your butt! It has been a month since I have written in my blog because I just have not had time. Work has become so much more stressful that after exercise and dinner all I want to do is go to bed. There simply is no time for writing. Being sick has certainly given me time to write, but I cannot imagine what work will be like next week when I go back. I will probably be fired for being out so long.

One thing about being sick and out-of-pocket for a lengthy time is that you quickly learn who you mean the most to and who are just mainly ‘sunny day’ friends. Of course, at first everyone you know seems concerned and checks in on you, but as the time progresses most of them fall quickly by the wayside. A few though stand by you no matter how long it takes or how bad things get. Those are the friends who truly love and care for you.

Martin and Joe have of course been taking great care of me. Sometimes their need to nurse becomes overbearing, but I love them for it. Three other friends have really stepped up to check on me numerous times each day. One of these guys has been my friend for over twenty years, and while at times our relationship has fluctuated I know no one could care more about my well-being than him. The other two have surprised me a little more because while I have known both of them for ten years or so it is only in the last few months that we have become really close friends. Seeing how much they worry about me has really bolstered my spirits this week. I am so lucky and thankful to have friends like these three in my life.

I think at times like this what I find most surprising are the people who do not step up. Everyone has different circles of friends. An outer circle of acquaintances that you never really expect much from, and an inner circle who you would do anything for and expect the same in return. My inner circle is a very small one simply because I have a hard time making close friends. I am just not very open and trusting. Those that I do allow into that circle though I am always there available for them, and am truly surprised and hurt when I feel our friendship is not the two-way street that I hoped it to be.

Jesus’ comment in Luke was about those needing to be saved as opposed to those whom were already saved. I feel it can be interpreted more broadly in that you should not just be a friend to someone when their life is going well, but should also be there for them during the down-trodden times. That is what I have always tried to do, and pray I will never let any of my friends down because I know how it feels.

Five Hundred Twenty-five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

"Ye observe days, and months, and times, and years.” Galatians 4:10

I find it almost impossible to believe that it has been an entire year since I wrote my first blog. I originally got the courage to start writing at the urging of a special friend who thought it might help me find peace with my thoughts. Truthfully I cannot say whether or not it has been a success.

How should a person measure a year in their life? This year has been much like any other in my life full of ups and downs. I forced myself to come out of my self-imposed exile by allowing many new people into my life. I joined a gay hiking group which has certainly served to bring me out of my shell a good bit, but still have not found the courage to attend any events unless Martin was going also. I made three very dear new friends and strengthened two old friendships, but most of these seem to be waning. While life at home continues to be happy, life at work only gets worse especially with our move to the new building rapidly approaching. Other than my depression, my health seems to be very good though I am fearful of what the eye doctor will find when I return to him in May. So no matter how far it seems I progress, still I keep sliding backward.

So what should I do in the year to come? Should I continue to forge ahead enjoying my new openness which has brought a lot of happiness with it, but also leaves me vulnerable to so much pain? Or should I sink back into that dismal little corner where I feel so secure, but so unhappy?

Paul is correct we humans do seem to feel the need to observe anniversaries. Well this my first anniversary blog is my 27th overall. I am not sure if during the next year I will write more or less, but I do plan to continue to write as the spirit moves me. No, I am not sure if it has brought any contentment to my soul, but it has given me a feeling of release each time I write down thoughts that I am too scared to contemplate in any other way. It has certainly seemed a better outlet for my emotions than drinking my self silly or crying myself to sleep. Here is hoping that my second anniversary blog will find my attitude, my health, my life much improved! Guess I better get busy working on that since it is only 525,600 minutes away…

My Funny Valentine(s)

“Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.” I John 4:7

This past Valentine’s weekend was one of much joy for me. Starting on Friday with a long walk in the snow with Martin then followed on Saturday and Sunday with an overnight trip to Tuscaloosa with both Martin and Joe, I could not have planned a better way to celebrate. The laugher and love we shared this weekend was an unbelievable lift to my soul. Sharing time with these two beautiful, funny men brought a ray of light into a dismal winter season. To be so loved, I find an amazing gift which I doubt I will ever deserve.

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach” those beautiful words written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning are in a book of sonnets given to me one day years ago by a Valentine. A lost Valentine once told me that all he wished for in life was to wake up next to me each day. Another Valentine of mine once compared our love to Mercer’s “Midnight Sun”. While yet another one told me that I held his heart in my hand to do with as I will. All very lofty and scary ideals to live up to…

I have had very few Valentines in my life. Perhaps it is the intense fear of being responsible for someone else’s heart that has kept me all my life from opening up my own heart. I have certainly given my heart on occasion, but to only a very few whom I have trusted completely to protect it. Still I wonder how any of those who have given me their heart would take that chance with me? Once my love is given it endures forever, yet still I seem to constantly hurt those I love. If only love were enough to make people happy.

In the Bible, John teaches us to ‘love one another’. That sentiment is often times impossible to follow. Still throughout my life I have found a few people to whom I freely gave my love. Those people, those friends, those Valentines…they are what makes my life worth living!

Mon Meilleur Ami

“Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.” I Samuel 18:3

Just about a year ago, I made a new friend. While you might say what is the big deal…my answer would be that it had been a long time prior since I had last allowed someone to grab a piece of my heart. I had pretty much thoroughly shut myself off from new people and new experiences. I was scared to take the chance of being hurt or of hurting someone else. One night last February though I let down my guard for just a moment, and this guy wormed his way into my life.

I am not sure that either of us realized at the time what we were getting ourselves into, since we are both quite a handful. I imagine at the time neither of us would have even believed that we would still be close a year later. I certainly did not! I was completely taken off guard that someone I hardly knew could so quickly become one of my closest friends. Yet here we are a scant year later, and I cannot imagine life without him in it.

Our friendship has seen a year of highs and lows, ups and downs, mistakes and apologies, and has endured. Not sure if that has been easy for him, but for me it has been quite a challenge. There have been times when I wonder how I could survive without him in my life, and other times when I think how two such diverse people could hope to maintain a close relationship. Our hopes, desires and needs from a friendship seem at times to be so different that they are irreconcilable, yet anytime we start drifting apart we quickly rebound. Since the day our friendship first blossomed, his life has been in turmoil. Perhaps that is why he needed me… On that day, my life had become one of sheltered emotions. Perhaps that is why I needed him…

Jonathan and David are the greatest example of true friendship not only in the Bible, but in any literary work. While I have no idea where our friendship will be once another year passes, like the Bible pair I have made a covenant with him. No matter how far apart our lives take us there will never be a day he cannot call on me if needed.

Winter Wonderland

“Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.” Ecclesiastes 7:3

Webster’s defines the word depression as ‘a state of feeling sad’. I hardly think that definition goes far enough. Sadness is a normal state of being that every human must deal with at different points in their life. I feel depression on the other hand is when you have such an overwhelming feeling of sadness that you think there is no way to ever dig out from under it. I feel that I have personally combated depression all my life, but it always intensifies each winter.

My mood begins to grow worse as soon as fall arrives the moment I start noticing the days are growing shorter and the nights are growing colder. By the time winter arrives I feel all happiness has gone from the world. I find it almost impossible to get up in the mornings, and all I want to do at night is have a drink and go to bed. While it would not solve all my problems with depression, I feel a good 5 month hibernation cycle would certainly help.

Unfortunately, I cannot just drink and sleep my cares away! Instead I have to force myself to face each day, and forge through. During the week my mind stays focused on work so much that I have little time to think about other issues, while on weekends I usually try to keep myself too busy to dwell on my problems. This past weekend though was a very uneventful one for me, and while my physical body was happy for the rest it was hard on my mental well-being. I had much too much time on my hands to dwell on my personal issues, and feel sorry for myself.

The last week was not a good one for me at all. I received some rather distressing news about my health which while not completely horrible was certainly a shock. Work and extracurricular activities keep Martin so busy that we hardly ever have time to talk. Joe was sick all week himself, and while I know he is fine still since his heart surgery I worry anytime he is ill for more than a couple of days. The few friendships that I count on seem to be more distant each day. My oldest friend I seem to ask too much of, and though he does not complain I know it is not fair of me. A new friendship that I have been trying to cultivate seems to be going nowhere. Neither of us really have the time to spend with each other which is needed in the early stages of a relationship. The friend I have been closest to over the last year is pulling away a little at a time. More than likely I have asked too much of him also.

Sometimes…most times I am just so scared and lonely. One of the prophets tells us that sorrow is better than happiness because it makes the heart stronger. If that is the case then mine must be beating with great strength. I am sure that I am taking that verse out of context though. I think maybe it is telling me instead that I need to start working on my own attitude. It is not the responsibility of those around me who touch my life to make me happy. I am sure happiness is out there I just need to have the strength of will to go find it. Hopefully now that the days are getting slightly longer as winter winds down laughter will once again find a way into my heart.

This Masquerade

“The eye also of the adulterer waiteth for the twilight, saying, No eye shall see me: and disguiseth his face.” Job 24:15

I probably should preface this with an apology to a special friend of mine for having stolen the topic for this blog from him. Recently he wrote a really outstanding blog about the masks that we each wear which inspired me to write about my own masks. Hopefully he will forgive my creative license.

Having been born a gay man in a highly religious household, I learned to wear masks very early in my life. That was not the only mask I wore as a child though. I was perceived as the perfect child…quiet, good grades, did not smoke, did not drink, did not have sex, did not do drugs, did not cuss…hell that sounds boring!. It would have been boring too except that was not me. Yes, I did make good grades, but not because I studied simply because book learning came easy to me. All the rest I most definitely did, but my family only saw the mask of perfection I allowed them to see.

As I moved into adulthood, I began to compartmentalize my life into small groups of family, work, and 2 or 3 different friend groups. Each of these groups knew Jay, but they each knew a completely different Jay none of whom was the true man behind the masks. At first I lived in fear of two of the groups crossing paths, but later became adept at showing two-faces at the same time when these unavoidable occurrences happened.

Now at 47 years of age I have so many masks in my repertoire that I even have a hard time remembering what the true face of Jay looks like. At work I am thought of by my colleagues as a hard-worker, always on time, never complaining, who likes all his fellow employees. Ask any of my co-workers and they would say that Jay is a happy guy who likes and gets along with everyone.

To my birth family, I am still that ideal of perfection. Sure my Mom would say it would be nice if he would settle down and have me some grandchildren, but there is still time. I could not ask for a more loving son. My sister would tell you that I am the rock she leans on at all times - the foundation that holds our family together.

In my partnerships, I miraculously seem to be whatever each has needed. To Lee, I was the perfect pal: the one who loved to work in the yard with him, to collect beautiful things, and to curl up on the couch and listen to his latest favorite music for hours on end. To Martin, I was his ideal: the one to go on exotic trips with, to watch movies or cuddle by a fire, and the one who would never think of straying. To Joe, I was his soul mate: the one who was different than all the rest, the one who brought excitement without fear, and the one who was just a little dirty around the edges.

My friends each see a different face molded to what I think they need or expect. This disguise can change on a moments notice if I ever perceive the need. I constantly find myself reacting to words, actions, or my perception of what their thoughts are and trying to make myself be what I think they want in a friend. Perhaps the reason I have so few close friends is because it must be hard to get to know someone who seems to change on a daily basis.

So why do I feel the need for so many disguises? Why continue to hide the true Jay behind the masks I feel people have come to expect? Fear! Fear of losing everyone, and being left alone in the darkness of my mind. Fear at work I would either be fired or it would become even more unbearable. Fear my birth family would want nothing to do with a gay son. Fear my partners would set me adrift never to know their love again. Fear my friends would slowly disappear out of my life as so many before them have done. Fear that I would not recognize the man behind the mask! So much like the adulterer who waits for twilight…I stay hidden behind my disguise.

Martini Madness

“The Son of man is come eating and drinking; and ye say, Behold a gluttonous man, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners!” Luke 7:34

Growing up in my parent’s house there was absolutely no alcohol allowed. We were taught from an early age that any drinking was a sin. Of course, that did not stop me from drinking starting at the age of 15. It just made it a little more difficult to hide. Even though we had both been drinking for years, I think I was about 20 and my sister 25 before we admitted to each other that we drank. Even though I started drinking fairly early in life, I never drank a lot. I was truly the definition of a ‘social’ drinker.

Recently though, I have started worrying about whether I might be drinking too much. In 2008 and the 10 years prior, I probably went to a bar on the average of 4 times a year. In 2009, I upped that to more like 4 times a month. Now here we are early in 2010, and just this week alone I have already gone out drinking 4 times. The problem is that I realize I am not doing it because I like the taste, but more to dull the pain and sadness that I feel. While I use to come home from work and either work in the yard or ride my exercise bike, now instead I head straight for the liquor cabinet.

Life at work seems to get more unbearable every day. I work my ass off in a job that I am so under-qualified for just trying to keep my head above water. I sit and watch new employees who hardly ever work get promotions and large raises, while the 26 year veteran is told you are a great asset and we are doing all we can for you.

Life at home while certainly not full of the stress that I feel at work is still full of sadness. Martin does not understand why I spend so much time crying always worrying that he has done something wrong. Joe I think is just happy he has his own home to escape to at times. So many of my friends seem to have pulled away into their own worlds, while the few that I count on the most I expect too much of and burn them out.

Verses in both Matthew and Luke assure me that drinking is not a sin, since Jesus himself drank on occasion. What I think is wrong is over-indulgence in anything. Is that what I am doing is the question I must ask myself? While I do not truthfully think the amount of alcohol I am consuming is an indulgence, I believe my problem comes in the reason for my drinking. Without it though I cannot imagine how much more I would find myself crying. Would you not think that an over-indulgence of sadness is wrong as well? I have actually had a couple of happy days already this year, but neither of them was totally liquor-free. I wonder if it is even possible for me to have even a semblance of happiness without drinking some. I wonder if I will ever have the strength and courage to find out…

Auld Lang Syne

“Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil.” Jeremiah 13:23

I remember when I was about 14 years old thinking the year 1980 would never arrive. I thought finally graduating from high school would be the best. Now it is 2010, and I am thinking there is no way it has been 30 years since I graduated. Where did all those years go?

At the beginning of last year, Martin had recently started branching out and enlarging his friendship base. Because of my innate shyness and my poor self-image, I have always found it difficult to cultivate new friendships. I decided though to at least open myself up to the possibility that there were new people out there who would welcome my friendship. The results of this decision made 2009 both one of the happiest and saddest of my life. I have met so many new people over the past year some of whom have become extremely meaningful to my life. These new friends have brought into my life joy and thrills beyond belief, but also disappointment and sorrow. Maybe I had just become so accustomed to my existing friends that I did not notice the ups and downs as much as I seem to with these new relationships. Whatever though I found my heart to be stuck on a rollercoaster ride.

For someone like myself who has always been a little manic-depressive the year 2009 became quite a challenge. I have all my life found it hard to find a calm balance between laughter and tears. So in a year where my job situation continued to go downhill, opening up my heart really kept me off kilter. While my new friends had brought with them so many new, fun, and exciting experiences still I could not count how many nights I ended up crying myself to sleep. As the year drew to a close, I began to think that perhaps one of my 2010 resolutions should be to withdraw back into my shell. I thought maybe it would be best to not allow myself to be open to such fluctuations in emotions.

Each year I find myself making a few resolutions only to break most of them by the end of January. Like the leopard, I find it almost impossible to change my spots. My behavior is so engrained into my personality that I have no idea how to change. I am much too weak to stop drinking, much too lazy to do the extra work around the house I keep putting off, much too scared to walk out on a job I have had for 26 years, and love much too much to give up on friendships that have encompassed my heart. I quickly realized over just the first weekend of this year there was no way I could close myself away again. I decided to forget all the silly resolutions I make and break each year. I decided to forget the impossible resolution to try and distance myself from my heart. Instead I decided to make just one resolution to simply try and have ten truly happy days during 2010. Perhaps that does not sound like a lofty goal, but for me it is a start…

A Day Late, and a Dollar Short

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.” Luke 2:14

Actually two days late, but you get the drift. While growing up Christmas was a big celebration, though not a religious one. We celebrated it as just a gift giving holiday which had nothing to do with the birth of Jesus. On Christmas day my parents, sister, and I would gather with our grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins at my eldest aunt’s house. There would be forty or fifty people eating lunch and enjoying each other’s company. This Christmas my Mom, sister, and I simply gathered around a pot of spaghetti to celebrate the holiday. My 48th Christmas was certainly very low key, as I wish the rest of my life could be.

Now we are less than a week away from yet another new year. How impossible it seems that we have now gone ten years since we all celebrated and worried about Y2K. This first decade of the 21st century has certainly been one of turmoil for me. The loss of both Lee and my Father, the changes in my job status, the slow separation from so many friends, and the general aging process have all called me to task. How I pray for peace in the new year…the new decade!

This year I went to Christmas Eve mass celebrating the birth of Jesus in ways I never did as a child. Whether it is something God wishes us to do or not, I cannot say. I do know that it helped to lighten the burdens I carry in my heart for at least a couple of hours, and for that I do give glory to God!

It has been four months since I found time to write a blog. I certainly had thoughts I wished to write down during this time, but seemed never to find the time. Truthfully it seems more like four weeks as my life continues to rush by. Some days now I feel so old that all I wish to do is to lie in bed and remember better days. Still this year I have allowed myself to open up my heart some. I have both made and loss friends. They have filled my heart with both joy and sorrow…only time will tell if I made the right choices. A day late, and a dollar short seems to be the perfect line to describe me. Rather than being at peace with my decisions, I seem to always be regretting my choices. Perhaps in the coming year, I can learn to put away regrets.

Now especially during this time when we all reflect on what the birth of our Savior means to us it is the perfect time to look within ourselves. To see what changes we can make in our own lives, instead of always basing our happiness on how others perceive us. As 2009 draws to a close, I continue to give glory to God and pray for peace not just for myself, but for all of you who daily touch my heart. Each of you know who you are and know hopefully even when I seem withdrawn and in dark despair my love for you never wavers…