”So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” John 8:7
Last night I laid in bed tossing and turning as I cried myself to sleep. Unfortunately that has become more and more of a regular occurrence over the last few weeks. While trying to fall asleep, one of the things that kept going through my mind was the idea of a blog I felt compelled to write. The problem was I could not come up with the proper words to say to express my feelings. Then I remembered a poem that I had loved in high school. The words of Earline Rose seemed to perfectly describe the thoughts I was trying to convey.
‘Faults’
As you sift the faults of others
Just to see what you can find,
And the words you speak about them
Are often times unkind,
Let the thought be ever present,
When you start to criticize,
That his faults may be less noticed
When viewed by other eyes.
For when we truly love someone,
His faults are hard to find,
And when they glare right out at us,
Somehow we do not mind.
Instead of searching for his faults,
Which seem to be galore,
Just let him know you really care…
Then learn to love him more.
It seems to me that people so quickly cast dispersions on other people sometimes out of anger, sometimes for a quick laugh, and sometimes just for meanness. I know I have often caught myself doing the same thing. Jesus teaches that we should never throw stones at others because not one of us is completely innocent. Maybe instead of being angry with people who do not follow this rule, I should instead just try to lead by example. I think it is time for us all to realize that there are not enough stones for all our faults…
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Lost In The Darkness
“For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.” Luke 15:24
I am lost. Before sitting down to write this blog, I tried to come up with a word that best describes me at this time in my life. No other word seems to fit me better than lost. Every corner I turn leads to a dead-end. Every move I make becomes just a futile gesture. Every thought I have seems to be black. My life is just in a constant state of confusion.
There have been times in my life of immense happiness. My early years, my high school years, the years after becoming partners with Martin and Lee, and when Joe first came into my life all bring to mind happy times. Each of these has never lasted though. They were each followed by years of dark despair. Dealing with my Mother’s depression, college years when two friends disappeared from my life and dealing with my sexuality, the downward spiral of my partnership which led up to Lee’s death, and the troubles with Joe’s fears and my work related issues all had a part in sorrow replacing happiness.
Through all those years of highs and lows, I never felt totally lost though. Like a friend of mine really likes to say, no matter how bad things get he knows it will not last. Well I guess that was the thought process that kept me going. When I first started writing my blog, I began to see a glimmer of hope that I was moving back out of the darkness. The last couple of months though have seen things become even more dismal. While yes there have been some happy times like the week I spent in Las Vegas, for the most part I now feel that there will never be any extended periods of happiness for me. That feeling is what I truly call ‘lost’.
Another friend of mine asked me the other day if Martin knew how sad I am. I said that no one really knows. Everyone has their own issues with which to deal. On the rare occasions that I have tried to open up with a friend, it just seems in the long run to backfire. While things may begin well, my needs and fears become so strong that they end up having to pull away. So, I usually end up being even more depressed. I have to face the facts that I will probably be forever lost in this maze of darkness. Still I pray constantly that one day like the Prodigal Son in the parable that I will be found. How I long to begin to be merry…
I am lost. Before sitting down to write this blog, I tried to come up with a word that best describes me at this time in my life. No other word seems to fit me better than lost. Every corner I turn leads to a dead-end. Every move I make becomes just a futile gesture. Every thought I have seems to be black. My life is just in a constant state of confusion.
There have been times in my life of immense happiness. My early years, my high school years, the years after becoming partners with Martin and Lee, and when Joe first came into my life all bring to mind happy times. Each of these has never lasted though. They were each followed by years of dark despair. Dealing with my Mother’s depression, college years when two friends disappeared from my life and dealing with my sexuality, the downward spiral of my partnership which led up to Lee’s death, and the troubles with Joe’s fears and my work related issues all had a part in sorrow replacing happiness.
Through all those years of highs and lows, I never felt totally lost though. Like a friend of mine really likes to say, no matter how bad things get he knows it will not last. Well I guess that was the thought process that kept me going. When I first started writing my blog, I began to see a glimmer of hope that I was moving back out of the darkness. The last couple of months though have seen things become even more dismal. While yes there have been some happy times like the week I spent in Las Vegas, for the most part I now feel that there will never be any extended periods of happiness for me. That feeling is what I truly call ‘lost’.
Another friend of mine asked me the other day if Martin knew how sad I am. I said that no one really knows. Everyone has their own issues with which to deal. On the rare occasions that I have tried to open up with a friend, it just seems in the long run to backfire. While things may begin well, my needs and fears become so strong that they end up having to pull away. So, I usually end up being even more depressed. I have to face the facts that I will probably be forever lost in this maze of darkness. Still I pray constantly that one day like the Prodigal Son in the parable that I will be found. How I long to begin to be merry…
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Trust - A Two Way Street
“Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me.” Psalms 41:9
There are two ways for a person to view trust. From your own viewpoint, are you a trusting person? From other people’s viewpoint, are you a trustworthy person? While I have always thought of myself as a trustworthy person, I am sure there are people out there who would disagree with me. What I most assuredly am not is a trusting person. Very rarely have I been brave enough to put my total trust in anyone. This most likely comes from my upbringing where secrets ran rampant in our house.
I can think of no greater compliment than to be thought of as being trustworthy. It is something I have always strived to be in my life, and perhaps having learned to keep my own life close to the vest has given me a leg up on doing the same for other people. I take the Psalm to heart in that I cannot imagine anything much worse than betraying a friend. From my own experience I know how hard it is to lay your trust into someone else’s hands, and if I were to misuse that confidence it would hurt me as much as the one who trusted me.
One might think that a person who considers themselves to be so trustworthy would in turn be trusting. In my case, I certainly find that to not be true. It is not like I have actually been betrayed over and over again in my life, but instead it is just the fear of betrayal that causes me to not be able to trust easily. Occasionally someone comes along that is able to break through to the real me, and when they do it is like a beautiful warm light surrounding me. I so crave that feeling, but cannot overcome my fears to allow myself to open up to very many people.
I am not sure what this blog is even supposed to be about. Last week I went on an extremely relaxing vacation. I had such an enjoyable time that for a week life seemed almost perfect. It only took a couple of days back in reality though for me to come crashing down from that high. I returned home to issues at work, with my birth family, and with some close friends that once again had me crying through sleepless nights. What does all that have to do with trust though? Well I do not trust the powers at work who lie to us every day about how long our jobs will remain in town, I do not trust my Mom and Sister to do what is best for themselves in their own lives, and I guess I really do not always trust that I will do what is right for my closest friends.
To those rare gems in this world, the people who have found a way to win my trust, I thank you for giving me the peace that comes with that gift. To those who have tried to win my trust and failed, I am sorry just know that it probably has more to do with my issues than you. Perhaps the biggest problem is that I do not trust myself…
There are two ways for a person to view trust. From your own viewpoint, are you a trusting person? From other people’s viewpoint, are you a trustworthy person? While I have always thought of myself as a trustworthy person, I am sure there are people out there who would disagree with me. What I most assuredly am not is a trusting person. Very rarely have I been brave enough to put my total trust in anyone. This most likely comes from my upbringing where secrets ran rampant in our house.
I can think of no greater compliment than to be thought of as being trustworthy. It is something I have always strived to be in my life, and perhaps having learned to keep my own life close to the vest has given me a leg up on doing the same for other people. I take the Psalm to heart in that I cannot imagine anything much worse than betraying a friend. From my own experience I know how hard it is to lay your trust into someone else’s hands, and if I were to misuse that confidence it would hurt me as much as the one who trusted me.
One might think that a person who considers themselves to be so trustworthy would in turn be trusting. In my case, I certainly find that to not be true. It is not like I have actually been betrayed over and over again in my life, but instead it is just the fear of betrayal that causes me to not be able to trust easily. Occasionally someone comes along that is able to break through to the real me, and when they do it is like a beautiful warm light surrounding me. I so crave that feeling, but cannot overcome my fears to allow myself to open up to very many people.
I am not sure what this blog is even supposed to be about. Last week I went on an extremely relaxing vacation. I had such an enjoyable time that for a week life seemed almost perfect. It only took a couple of days back in reality though for me to come crashing down from that high. I returned home to issues at work, with my birth family, and with some close friends that once again had me crying through sleepless nights. What does all that have to do with trust though? Well I do not trust the powers at work who lie to us every day about how long our jobs will remain in town, I do not trust my Mom and Sister to do what is best for themselves in their own lives, and I guess I really do not always trust that I will do what is right for my closest friends.
To those rare gems in this world, the people who have found a way to win my trust, I thank you for giving me the peace that comes with that gift. To those who have tried to win my trust and failed, I am sorry just know that it probably has more to do with my issues than you. Perhaps the biggest problem is that I do not trust myself…
Monday, June 1, 2009
Alone Again (Naturally)
“I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.” Psalms 102:7
Sometimes I find myself sitting at a table surrounded by friends wondering how can I feel lonely? Sometimes while chatting with 4 or 5 different people on Facebook at the same time I find myself wondering how can I feel lonely? Right now I am lying on my bed in a house filled with love wondering how can I feel lonely?
The most common definition for the word alone is ‘separated from others’. That is a situation in which I rarely find myself. Instead the situation I most often find myself in is best described by one of the less common definitions for the word lonely. That is ‘producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation’. See I could be completely surrounded by people who love me, and still I would feel as if I was in a black hole by myself.
One of the aspects of my loneness seems to be talking to myself. I can be listening and even interacting in an on-going conversation with a group of people while carrying on an entire conversation with myself in my head at the same time. Most often it has nothing at all to do with what is being said around me. I can never remember a time that I did not have these interactions with myself. Usually these are quiet conversations in my head, but can be embarrassing at times when someone walks in on a vocal one. I do not think of it as an illness in that it is not voices that I hear telling me to do things. It is simply me most often trying to decide on a course of events by weighing both sides.
You would probably think that being this lonely I would dread anytime that I have to be physically alone. That is definitely not true though. I actually cherish some of the rare moments that I have to myself. It is not physical aloneness that hurts, but mental or emotional aloneness. Perhaps the fact that I have such a hard time sharing my inner most thoughts and feelings with anyone is the root cause. I have at times in my life tried to be more open, but each time has ended in failure. The failure stemmed sometimes from me not being capable of complete honesty, and other times because I chose the wrong person with whom to share this honesty.
David in this particular Psalm at times seems to be writing directly about me as he writes “‘my days are consumed like smoke…my heart is smitten…by reason of the voice of my groaning” Through this particular poem he is reminding me that even though I feel like “a sparrow alone upon the house top” that God is always there beside me. Perhaps when I am talking to myself I am actually talking to God. Though if that is the case then I wish He would give better advice…
Sometimes I find myself sitting at a table surrounded by friends wondering how can I feel lonely? Sometimes while chatting with 4 or 5 different people on Facebook at the same time I find myself wondering how can I feel lonely? Right now I am lying on my bed in a house filled with love wondering how can I feel lonely?
The most common definition for the word alone is ‘separated from others’. That is a situation in which I rarely find myself. Instead the situation I most often find myself in is best described by one of the less common definitions for the word lonely. That is ‘producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation’. See I could be completely surrounded by people who love me, and still I would feel as if I was in a black hole by myself.
One of the aspects of my loneness seems to be talking to myself. I can be listening and even interacting in an on-going conversation with a group of people while carrying on an entire conversation with myself in my head at the same time. Most often it has nothing at all to do with what is being said around me. I can never remember a time that I did not have these interactions with myself. Usually these are quiet conversations in my head, but can be embarrassing at times when someone walks in on a vocal one. I do not think of it as an illness in that it is not voices that I hear telling me to do things. It is simply me most often trying to decide on a course of events by weighing both sides.
You would probably think that being this lonely I would dread anytime that I have to be physically alone. That is definitely not true though. I actually cherish some of the rare moments that I have to myself. It is not physical aloneness that hurts, but mental or emotional aloneness. Perhaps the fact that I have such a hard time sharing my inner most thoughts and feelings with anyone is the root cause. I have at times in my life tried to be more open, but each time has ended in failure. The failure stemmed sometimes from me not being capable of complete honesty, and other times because I chose the wrong person with whom to share this honesty.
David in this particular Psalm at times seems to be writing directly about me as he writes “‘my days are consumed like smoke…my heart is smitten…by reason of the voice of my groaning” Through this particular poem he is reminding me that even though I feel like “a sparrow alone upon the house top” that God is always there beside me. Perhaps when I am talking to myself I am actually talking to God. Though if that is the case then I wish He would give better advice…
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sweet Charity
“And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.” I Corinthians 13:13
How easily the words ‘I love you’ seem to flow out of a person’s mouth, but what do they actually mean. It is almost impossible to find a definitive meaning for the word ‘love’. People use it to define their feelings for a house, a pet, a family member, a friend, or a partner. In each of these examples the word means something completely different to the person saying it. The ancient Greeks used four different words to describe what we Americans call love. How much easier it might be to express ourselves if we also used four different words.
I grew up in a home where the word was rarely used. My sister and I certainly knew our parents loved us, but it was rarely said. Perhaps that has a lot to do with the fact that I have in my adult life always gone out of the way to say it to the people who mean the most to me. I have never said it to very many people, but to the ones I care about the most I probably say it much too often. I know at least that it seems to scare some of the people to whom I say it.
Someone I care a great deal for asked me recently if I was sure the love I felt for him was a ‘healthy’ love. The question really surprised me because I did not realize you could feel ‘unhealthy’ love. Here was a prime example to me of how much easier it would be to explain ourselves if we did not use one word to describe so many different emotions. I found myself left with the dilemma of whether I should continue telling him I love him even knowing it makes him uncomfortable, or should I keep my feelings for him locked inside my shell?
There are other people in my life who tell me they love me, yet they flit in and out of my life like a sparrow from limb to limb. Maybe I expect too much from friendship more than most people are capable of giving. I never expect more though than I am willing to give back. Perhaps rather than love, it is my definition of the meaning of friendship that is so radically different from other people.
Paul in his letter describes love as the greatest of the three for without love there would be no faith or hope. Love seems the easiest of the three to achieve, but the hardest to understand. With faith one must be able to take a blind leap, with hope one must be able to think positively, but love just appears from nowhere to take over one’s heart. I have never given love easily, but once I do it is overwhelming. Perhaps I need to find a happy medium…
How easily the words ‘I love you’ seem to flow out of a person’s mouth, but what do they actually mean. It is almost impossible to find a definitive meaning for the word ‘love’. People use it to define their feelings for a house, a pet, a family member, a friend, or a partner. In each of these examples the word means something completely different to the person saying it. The ancient Greeks used four different words to describe what we Americans call love. How much easier it might be to express ourselves if we also used four different words.
I grew up in a home where the word was rarely used. My sister and I certainly knew our parents loved us, but it was rarely said. Perhaps that has a lot to do with the fact that I have in my adult life always gone out of the way to say it to the people who mean the most to me. I have never said it to very many people, but to the ones I care about the most I probably say it much too often. I know at least that it seems to scare some of the people to whom I say it.
Someone I care a great deal for asked me recently if I was sure the love I felt for him was a ‘healthy’ love. The question really surprised me because I did not realize you could feel ‘unhealthy’ love. Here was a prime example to me of how much easier it would be to explain ourselves if we did not use one word to describe so many different emotions. I found myself left with the dilemma of whether I should continue telling him I love him even knowing it makes him uncomfortable, or should I keep my feelings for him locked inside my shell?
There are other people in my life who tell me they love me, yet they flit in and out of my life like a sparrow from limb to limb. Maybe I expect too much from friendship more than most people are capable of giving. I never expect more though than I am willing to give back. Perhaps rather than love, it is my definition of the meaning of friendship that is so radically different from other people.
Paul in his letter describes love as the greatest of the three for without love there would be no faith or hope. Love seems the easiest of the three to achieve, but the hardest to understand. With faith one must be able to take a blind leap, with hope one must be able to think positively, but love just appears from nowhere to take over one’s heart. I have never given love easily, but once I do it is overwhelming. Perhaps I need to find a happy medium…
Friday, May 15, 2009
Lies...Tell Me Sweet Little Lies
“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32
When I was a kid two of my Dad’s favorite statements to make were, “There will be no liars there” and “Any intent to deceive is a lie.” He would of course say these to scare me into always telling him the truth. Well while the scare tactics never seemed to work on the young Jay, the older Jay has tried his best to be much more truthful. Being able to be completely honest with both yourself and everyone else would seem on the surface an easy thing to accomplish. I think most people are like me and find that not to be so.
When trying to be truthful with others, one has to first decide what exactly constitutes a lie. Is as my Dad tried to point out any relevant omission a lie? Is it fair to be truthful with someone if the facts would only serve to hurt the other person or to soothe your own conscience? Is it wrong for a gay person to remain in the closet to family or at work? Is it right for parents to tell their children there is an Easter Bunny? Of course that last one is silly, but following my Dad’s logic it would be considered a lie. Each person has to decide for themselves where to draw the line between truth and lie.
In my opinion being honest with yourself is an even harder prospect than with others. I imagine most people like to think of themselves as being a good person. I certainly feel sorry for those who do not. The question is, are we deluding ourselves with that thought? How do other people perceive us? Do we lie to people purposely out of spite or for our own personal gain? To really be honest with ourselves about whether we are a good person or not it is important to ask ourselves how we would feel if other people treated us the way we treat them.
When Jesus spoke of the truth setting us free, he was referring to the fact that he was the son of God sent to die for our sins. Does that statement though also hold in our everyday lives? Being completely honest will certainly set your mind free as it takes away the need to cover up your lies. For myself, I believe that I am fairly honest with myself in that I know I do not always treat others the way I should. I can certainly be catty, spiteful, and petty. Those are all issues that I need to work on. In being honest with others I know that I fall desperately short. Mainly that is because of fear. I am completely scared of how total honesty would affect the relationships in my life. So like the younger Jay, the old one still finds himself being less than truthful at times. Unlike the child though, the man is striving to be better…
When I was a kid two of my Dad’s favorite statements to make were, “There will be no liars there” and “Any intent to deceive is a lie.” He would of course say these to scare me into always telling him the truth. Well while the scare tactics never seemed to work on the young Jay, the older Jay has tried his best to be much more truthful. Being able to be completely honest with both yourself and everyone else would seem on the surface an easy thing to accomplish. I think most people are like me and find that not to be so.
When trying to be truthful with others, one has to first decide what exactly constitutes a lie. Is as my Dad tried to point out any relevant omission a lie? Is it fair to be truthful with someone if the facts would only serve to hurt the other person or to soothe your own conscience? Is it wrong for a gay person to remain in the closet to family or at work? Is it right for parents to tell their children there is an Easter Bunny? Of course that last one is silly, but following my Dad’s logic it would be considered a lie. Each person has to decide for themselves where to draw the line between truth and lie.
In my opinion being honest with yourself is an even harder prospect than with others. I imagine most people like to think of themselves as being a good person. I certainly feel sorry for those who do not. The question is, are we deluding ourselves with that thought? How do other people perceive us? Do we lie to people purposely out of spite or for our own personal gain? To really be honest with ourselves about whether we are a good person or not it is important to ask ourselves how we would feel if other people treated us the way we treat them.
When Jesus spoke of the truth setting us free, he was referring to the fact that he was the son of God sent to die for our sins. Does that statement though also hold in our everyday lives? Being completely honest will certainly set your mind free as it takes away the need to cover up your lies. For myself, I believe that I am fairly honest with myself in that I know I do not always treat others the way I should. I can certainly be catty, spiteful, and petty. Those are all issues that I need to work on. In being honest with others I know that I fall desperately short. Mainly that is because of fear. I am completely scared of how total honesty would affect the relationships in my life. So like the younger Jay, the old one still finds himself being less than truthful at times. Unlike the child though, the man is striving to be better…
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Mama Mia
“Honour thy father and thy mother:” Matthew 19:19
It is so hard to believe how fast this year is going by. We have already made it to Mother’s Day weekend. I asked my Mom if she wanted to go out for lunch on Sunday, but I think she wants me to come to her house instead. So I guess I will be making the trek out to her house. I will be the dutiful son and spend the afternoon with her and my sister listening to her complain that I have not gotten married and had grandchildren for her. Mom, wake up, I have lived with another single forty-something year old man for the last 21 years. Hello! Some people only allow themselves to believe what they want to believe.
Growing up with my Mom it is a wonder that I am in the least bit normal. Of course, I can hear my friends laughing at the thought of me being normal. I imagine the first 9 years of my life were sort of “Leave It To Beaver” like, but that all came to an abrupt end right before my tenth birthday. That was when my Mom who had always been abnormally close to her parents lost them at the same time in a car wreck. She went into a deep depression that lasted at least until I was in college. She would lock herself in her darkened room, take sleeping pills, and sleep most of the day and night. She would emerge on Sundays get dressed and attend church like nothing was wrong though. With her in that mood and my father working shift work, my sister and I were pretty much left to our own devices. My sister usually just stayed in her room studying when she was not at school. I would stay out of the house as much as possible. I would either roam the streets with groups of kids or stay at my best friend’s house and make believe he was my brother.
Now my Mom is 80, and acts as if she does not remember anything about our childhoods being odd. She truly thinks she was the perfect example of motherhood, and that the issues my sister and I now have to deal with are of our own making. My sister divorced in 1980, and has been alone for the last 29 years because my Mom drilled into her head the sin of divorce and remarriage. If I had allowed her beliefs to rule my life, I would have married and had children. Would she truly have been happier with 2 divorced, lonely children rather than having a son who has been in a loving gay relationship for over 22 years? The scary answer to that question is that yes she would.
Jesus instructed us to honour our Mother. That does not necessarily mean to obey, respect or even love. I do love my Mother and appreciate her having given me life. I do not respect her, nor her beliefs; and I definitely feel no compunction to obey her misguided rules. Do I follow Jesus commandment and honor her. Yes, I feel I do every single day by allowing her to live with her delusions.
It is so hard to believe how fast this year is going by. We have already made it to Mother’s Day weekend. I asked my Mom if she wanted to go out for lunch on Sunday, but I think she wants me to come to her house instead. So I guess I will be making the trek out to her house. I will be the dutiful son and spend the afternoon with her and my sister listening to her complain that I have not gotten married and had grandchildren for her. Mom, wake up, I have lived with another single forty-something year old man for the last 21 years. Hello! Some people only allow themselves to believe what they want to believe.
Growing up with my Mom it is a wonder that I am in the least bit normal. Of course, I can hear my friends laughing at the thought of me being normal. I imagine the first 9 years of my life were sort of “Leave It To Beaver” like, but that all came to an abrupt end right before my tenth birthday. That was when my Mom who had always been abnormally close to her parents lost them at the same time in a car wreck. She went into a deep depression that lasted at least until I was in college. She would lock herself in her darkened room, take sleeping pills, and sleep most of the day and night. She would emerge on Sundays get dressed and attend church like nothing was wrong though. With her in that mood and my father working shift work, my sister and I were pretty much left to our own devices. My sister usually just stayed in her room studying when she was not at school. I would stay out of the house as much as possible. I would either roam the streets with groups of kids or stay at my best friend’s house and make believe he was my brother.
Now my Mom is 80, and acts as if she does not remember anything about our childhoods being odd. She truly thinks she was the perfect example of motherhood, and that the issues my sister and I now have to deal with are of our own making. My sister divorced in 1980, and has been alone for the last 29 years because my Mom drilled into her head the sin of divorce and remarriage. If I had allowed her beliefs to rule my life, I would have married and had children. Would she truly have been happier with 2 divorced, lonely children rather than having a son who has been in a loving gay relationship for over 22 years? The scary answer to that question is that yes she would.
Jesus instructed us to honour our Mother. That does not necessarily mean to obey, respect or even love. I do love my Mother and appreciate her having given me life. I do not respect her, nor her beliefs; and I definitely feel no compunction to obey her misguided rules. Do I follow Jesus commandment and honor her. Yes, I feel I do every single day by allowing her to live with her delusions.
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