"But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." II Peter 3:8
24 little hours...
Bad things can happen in a day! One day I had just boarded a cruise ship in New Orleans, and I called to say goodbye to my parents. I talked with my Dad for about 10 minutes, and he told me to have a great time. The next day he is gone, and I am left trying to find a way home from Jamaica for his funeral.
One day I am at the beach having a great time. That evening from one of Lee’s favorite restaurants at Gulf Shores I call home to tell him how I wished he could be there with me. The next day he is gone, killed by someone he thought of as a friend.
Before you think I am completely negative, though if you read this blog all the time you have already figured that out, there are good things that can happen in a day! One day I went over Martin and Lee’s house for a barbeque supper. The next day, we were life partners.
One day my Mother is rushed to the hospital with blood pressure of 40/20, and the doctor says he is not sure what is wrong with her or if she can be stabilized. The next day, she is up walking around the hospital room asking when she can go back to water aerobics.
Yes, it is unbelievable sometimes the changes that can occur in just one day’s time that will forever have an effect on our less than meaningful lives. So where am I headed with this opening salvo, you ask? I recently had another devastating loss in my life. While not a death, it was the loss of a great friend from my life. Once again it happened in just one day. On the first Sunday of March, we got together for coffee and a chat just mainly discussing upcoming events in our lives where we were going to get to spend some time together. When we drove off that evening in separate directions, I was so happy to have built this new, strong friendship. Little did I know that the next day it would come crashing down around me.
Crocket has only been in my life for about six months, and it amazes me with my trust issues how quickly our friendship blossomed. He went from just casual acquaintance, to friend, to one of my closest friends so quickly. He is an amazing man who has been through so much in his life, but found a way to better himself through it all. His knowledge, strength of character, and good heart completely floored me from the moment I got to know him. I found myself opening up to him, sharing my life and my secrets, and truly giving him a piece of my heart. Now though because of a tragic mistake on my part, that beautiful friendship that seemingly had no limitations of where it might lead lies in ruins.
He, of course, says all the right things. That he still cares about me, and still considers me his friend. My ideas of true friendship though are very limited, and a cordial nod when we just happen to run into each other does not meet my definition of what a friend is. At this point I truly doubt I will ever even have a meaningful conversation with him again. Not only does he not want us to have any face-to-face talks anymore, he has asked that I do not even write e-mails to him. For someone like myself who really loves to write to express his thoughts and feelings, this has been truly difficult for me. Like a child, I have found myself even writing status updates and checking-in on Facebook (something I have never done much of in the past), simply hoping he will see it and remember our friendship if only for a minute in time.
Peter writes that time means nothing to God, but we humans are all too aware of the passing of time. For all the changes that occurred in my life between the 6th and 7th of March, it would seem that there had to be like a thousand years in that day. Now each day since then as I cry, and drink, and hope for a better result; seems to last a thousand years for me. As I rapidly approach the end of my fifth decade in this world, I guess I notice more and more the quickly passing time. That makes me hate wasting even a second of precious time! In Elizabeth Taylor’s last tweet to the world she wrote, “Every breath you take today should be with someone else in mind”. Well Crocket for the last couple of months that is exactly where you have been…I am sorry!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
1,051,200 Minutes...
"Behold, I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him:" Job 23:8
Well the answer to last year’s blog is…forge ahead. If you do not know what that means then you get a demerit for having not read it. Yes, I have left myself open to a lot more emotional pain over this last year; but in return I have received so much growth and enlightenment in my life. I have reached a point that I now cannot imagine ever retreating into my lonely shell.
The hiking group I joined has continued to enrich my life both with much needed exercise, and in my learning how to be friendly with strangers. The weekend before last I actually went on my first ever hike where I did not have someone lined up to go with me. I realize that does not sound like much of an accomplishment, but please believe to me it was. My outlook on the friendship aspect of my life continues to improve. I have strengthened and re-strengthened old friendships as well as made a few new ones. A new guy in my life has helped me learn to open up and trust more by completely sharing his life story with me. While I imagine I will always have a lot of issues with trust, I am grateful that he has made it so easy for me to rely on him as a confidant. My health had a lot of ups and downs throughout the last year, but my eye doctor says my eyes are still in just a pre-glaucoma stage and nothing else needs to be done at this point. While I still certainly have quite a few back issues, the surgery I had back in November has certainly improved my leg pain. Finally, my life at home continues to be for the most part pleasant. Of course, with three people in a relationship that triples the chances for problems; but most of them we find ways to work through.
Very much like Job, I often find it difficult to move forward; but now I realize the uselessness of looking back. While I realize I have a very long way to go, I do believe that over the last 525,600 minutes I have made great strides in building up confidence in myself. Where will I be once another year passes? Stick around! Like Bette says I am sure the ride will be bumpy, but hopefully it will be fun…
Well the answer to last year’s blog is…forge ahead. If you do not know what that means then you get a demerit for having not read it. Yes, I have left myself open to a lot more emotional pain over this last year; but in return I have received so much growth and enlightenment in my life. I have reached a point that I now cannot imagine ever retreating into my lonely shell.
The hiking group I joined has continued to enrich my life both with much needed exercise, and in my learning how to be friendly with strangers. The weekend before last I actually went on my first ever hike where I did not have someone lined up to go with me. I realize that does not sound like much of an accomplishment, but please believe to me it was. My outlook on the friendship aspect of my life continues to improve. I have strengthened and re-strengthened old friendships as well as made a few new ones. A new guy in my life has helped me learn to open up and trust more by completely sharing his life story with me. While I imagine I will always have a lot of issues with trust, I am grateful that he has made it so easy for me to rely on him as a confidant. My health had a lot of ups and downs throughout the last year, but my eye doctor says my eyes are still in just a pre-glaucoma stage and nothing else needs to be done at this point. While I still certainly have quite a few back issues, the surgery I had back in November has certainly improved my leg pain. Finally, my life at home continues to be for the most part pleasant. Of course, with three people in a relationship that triples the chances for problems; but most of them we find ways to work through.
Very much like Job, I often find it difficult to move forward; but now I realize the uselessness of looking back. While I realize I have a very long way to go, I do believe that over the last 525,600 minutes I have made great strides in building up confidence in myself. Where will I be once another year passes? Stick around! Like Bette says I am sure the ride will be bumpy, but hopefully it will be fun…
Monday, February 14, 2011
Two of Hearts?
“A wise man's heart is at his right hand; but a fool's heart at his left." Ecclesiastes 10:2
For practically all my life I have had what could be called a queer heart. Now by that I do not mean the fact that I am gay, because I think my heart would be considered different by even most gay standards. I have never seemed to be able to give it to just one person!
During all my high school and college years I dated three different girls, but at the same time I was in a long-term relationship with a boy. Now at this point in his life he would keel over if he thought I had considered our special friendship to be boyfriends, but that is truly what it was. While I felt committed to each of the girls as we were dating, still William held on to a large piece of my heart.
Then at age 24 when I got into my very first long-term adult relationship it was not with just one man, but two. Lee and Martin had been living together for six years before I came crashing into their lives. While the first couple of years were certainly rocky, the three of us finally settled into what was more of an “Ozzie and Harriet” type life than most straight, married couples ever enjoy. For fifteen years up until Lee’s death the three of us lived and loved together. Then Martin and I only lasted as a ‘regular’ couple for a little more than a year before Joe snuck into our lives. Now for the last eight years I have once again been living as part of a threesome.
Now most people would think it impossible to give your heart to two different people at the same time, but for me it seems impossible to not do so. Truthfully even outside of my primary partnerships other people have come along and taken chunks of my heart. Now I am not saying I had sexual relationships with all these people. I do not equate sex with love. While everyone I have had sex with in my life I have loved as a friend, they have not necessarily been given a part of my heart. Then there are others whom I have never touched in a sexual way who happen to own a large piece of my heart. There is one friend whom I had relations with on numerous occasions yet never once felt true love toward. There is another man that for years I was both emotionally and physically close to whom will always hold a part of my heart even though we will never be actual partners in life. Over the last six months another guy has come out of nowhere to stake a claim to a portion of my heart. I doubt seriously I will ever have any type of physical relationship with him, but our emotional ties have grown extremely strong.
God tells us that a wise man’s heart leads him to make correct choices, while a fool’s heart leads him to make wrong ones. I am not sure which way my heart would be classified? I have certainly made both types in my life! So here we are at another Valentine’s Day where I will give cards and gifts to just my two beautiful life partners. Still while I will not be showing it with outward signs of affection, I will be giving my heart to a few others. You know who you are…
For practically all my life I have had what could be called a queer heart. Now by that I do not mean the fact that I am gay, because I think my heart would be considered different by even most gay standards. I have never seemed to be able to give it to just one person!
During all my high school and college years I dated three different girls, but at the same time I was in a long-term relationship with a boy. Now at this point in his life he would keel over if he thought I had considered our special friendship to be boyfriends, but that is truly what it was. While I felt committed to each of the girls as we were dating, still William held on to a large piece of my heart.
Then at age 24 when I got into my very first long-term adult relationship it was not with just one man, but two. Lee and Martin had been living together for six years before I came crashing into their lives. While the first couple of years were certainly rocky, the three of us finally settled into what was more of an “Ozzie and Harriet” type life than most straight, married couples ever enjoy. For fifteen years up until Lee’s death the three of us lived and loved together. Then Martin and I only lasted as a ‘regular’ couple for a little more than a year before Joe snuck into our lives. Now for the last eight years I have once again been living as part of a threesome.
Now most people would think it impossible to give your heart to two different people at the same time, but for me it seems impossible to not do so. Truthfully even outside of my primary partnerships other people have come along and taken chunks of my heart. Now I am not saying I had sexual relationships with all these people. I do not equate sex with love. While everyone I have had sex with in my life I have loved as a friend, they have not necessarily been given a part of my heart. Then there are others whom I have never touched in a sexual way who happen to own a large piece of my heart. There is one friend whom I had relations with on numerous occasions yet never once felt true love toward. There is another man that for years I was both emotionally and physically close to whom will always hold a part of my heart even though we will never be actual partners in life. Over the last six months another guy has come out of nowhere to stake a claim to a portion of my heart. I doubt seriously I will ever have any type of physical relationship with him, but our emotional ties have grown extremely strong.
God tells us that a wise man’s heart leads him to make correct choices, while a fool’s heart leads him to make wrong ones. I am not sure which way my heart would be classified? I have certainly made both types in my life! So here we are at another Valentine’s Day where I will give cards and gifts to just my two beautiful life partners. Still while I will not be showing it with outward signs of affection, I will be giving my heart to a few others. You know who you are…
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I'm So Dizzy
“And herein I give my advice: for this is expedient for you, who have begun before, not only to do, but also to be forward a year ago.” II Corinthians 8:10
My life from the weekend before Thanksgiving until now has flown by so fast that I cannot help but be dizzy. I thought any moment that I would take time to sit down and write a New Year’s blog full of whatever resolutions I probably would not keep, but I never seemed to have the time. On the Monday before Thanksgiving I had back surgery which took up all my spare time with physical therapy, so December and January both have just flown by. The bad news being that I did not get to enjoy the holidays very much, but the good news is that my leg pain seems to be much relieved.
So last year my only resolution was to have ten good days, which I really feel that I was able to accomplish. I actually had some pretty good weeks during 2010. Had it not been for my company moving thirty miles from my house and my excruciating back pain during the last four months then last year would have been one of my better years.
Work moving has really been bad in that it has taken up all of my ‘me’ time. I no longer have the luxury of wind-down time each afternoon, so my temper with partners and friends alike has probably been hard for them to deal with since June. Coupled with the pain I was in I can only imagine what a bitch I must have been to everyone during the last quarter of the year. Hopefully they will forgive me!
One good thing that came out of the last four months was that I gained two new friends. Of course, as usual these days they started out as Martin’s friends from his choir, but quickly became my friends as well. One of the two has really made me feel better about my lot in life. He is actually half my age, and has opened my eyes to so many new thoughts and experiences. What he sees in having an old man like me for a close friend I am not sure, but I certainly am glad that we have bonded. While I have not gotten near as close to the other one, still we have shared a lot of confidences. That sharing that I have been able to do with both of them is what has surprised me the most. For this shy man, it used to take years of friendship with someone before I let down my guard and started trusting. Now I seem to not be as scared at taking chances with my heart.
So after last year's resounding success with my resolution, should I now make an even bolder one this year? I think not. In Paul’s words to the Corinthians he points out that what use are good purposes if after a year they have led to no good deeds. Perhaps this year instead of making promises that would only benefit myself, I need to work on making changes in my life that would benefit others. Especially those I love…
My life from the weekend before Thanksgiving until now has flown by so fast that I cannot help but be dizzy. I thought any moment that I would take time to sit down and write a New Year’s blog full of whatever resolutions I probably would not keep, but I never seemed to have the time. On the Monday before Thanksgiving I had back surgery which took up all my spare time with physical therapy, so December and January both have just flown by. The bad news being that I did not get to enjoy the holidays very much, but the good news is that my leg pain seems to be much relieved.
So last year my only resolution was to have ten good days, which I really feel that I was able to accomplish. I actually had some pretty good weeks during 2010. Had it not been for my company moving thirty miles from my house and my excruciating back pain during the last four months then last year would have been one of my better years.
Work moving has really been bad in that it has taken up all of my ‘me’ time. I no longer have the luxury of wind-down time each afternoon, so my temper with partners and friends alike has probably been hard for them to deal with since June. Coupled with the pain I was in I can only imagine what a bitch I must have been to everyone during the last quarter of the year. Hopefully they will forgive me!
One good thing that came out of the last four months was that I gained two new friends. Of course, as usual these days they started out as Martin’s friends from his choir, but quickly became my friends as well. One of the two has really made me feel better about my lot in life. He is actually half my age, and has opened my eyes to so many new thoughts and experiences. What he sees in having an old man like me for a close friend I am not sure, but I certainly am glad that we have bonded. While I have not gotten near as close to the other one, still we have shared a lot of confidences. That sharing that I have been able to do with both of them is what has surprised me the most. For this shy man, it used to take years of friendship with someone before I let down my guard and started trusting. Now I seem to not be as scared at taking chances with my heart.
So after last year's resounding success with my resolution, should I now make an even bolder one this year? I think not. In Paul’s words to the Corinthians he points out that what use are good purposes if after a year they have led to no good deeds. Perhaps this year instead of making promises that would only benefit myself, I need to work on making changes in my life that would benefit others. Especially those I love…
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Long and Winding Road
“And Ananias went his way and entered the house; and laying his hands on him he said, "Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you came, has sent me that you may receive your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit." Acts 9:17
How impossible it seems to me that it has been over six months since I have written a blog. Everyday I have flashes of thoughts that I wish to write down, but never seem to take the time to do so. In June, my company finally did what they had been threatening to do for 5 years. They moved our place of business out of Birmingham to Pelham, so my daily commute went from 2 miles a day to 32 miles. Suffice it to say that move has not been good for either my nerves or my free time. I know I scare both co-workers and friends alike when I say things like it is good that I do not carry a gun in my glove compartment, but that is a truthful statement. I finally realize the true definition of ‘road rage’.
The last six months has been a time of extreme highs and dismal lows for me. Martin, Joe, and I went on a truly fantastic week long trip to San Francisco in June which became not only a highlight of this year, but of my life. In September, Martin and I went with 3 of our friends for our yearly trip to the beach which turned out to be one of the best ever. Perhaps the best news is that 2 new friends have entered my life which both show a lot of promise, and I have continued to get much closer to an old acquaintance. So, on the bright side at the beginning of the year I had hoped for 10 really happy days this year, and I feel I have already more than surpassed that total.
Of course, with me the good always comes with more than its share of bad. My health both physically and mentally has certainly deteriorated since my last blog. For the last 8 years I have been fighting back pain from a degenerative disc, but over the last 6 weeks it has gotten almost unbearable. The pain has become constant and has started affecting my leg and my walking. This week I have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon who hopefully can provide me with some relief without surgery. At work I am just miserable. In this new building we are packed on each other like sardines. I can truly hear every conversation my 12 nearest neighbors have, and for someone who already has concentration issues and who is as slow at their job as me any distraction is not good. At home while I really have nothing to complain about, I seem to never be happy. I was left home alone for most of this last weekend, and in the past that would have been a wonderful thing for me. I normally would have gone out partying with friends, watched all my favorite movies, played for hours on the internet, and ate and drank to my heart’s content. This weekend though I was barely able to force myself to go get a bite to eat. I spent the majority of both days laying on the bed in my boxers crying and feeling sorry for myself.
Like the apostle Paul, I so hope everyday to receive some insight as I travel along the long, winding road of life that will bring about a much needed change in my life. Perhaps I need God to lift the scales from my eyes so I can see how truly well I have it. All I know for sure though is that one day soon I am going to have to find a new map, because on the one I was given all roads seem to lead to a dead-end…
How impossible it seems to me that it has been over six months since I have written a blog. Everyday I have flashes of thoughts that I wish to write down, but never seem to take the time to do so. In June, my company finally did what they had been threatening to do for 5 years. They moved our place of business out of Birmingham to Pelham, so my daily commute went from 2 miles a day to 32 miles. Suffice it to say that move has not been good for either my nerves or my free time. I know I scare both co-workers and friends alike when I say things like it is good that I do not carry a gun in my glove compartment, but that is a truthful statement. I finally realize the true definition of ‘road rage’.
The last six months has been a time of extreme highs and dismal lows for me. Martin, Joe, and I went on a truly fantastic week long trip to San Francisco in June which became not only a highlight of this year, but of my life. In September, Martin and I went with 3 of our friends for our yearly trip to the beach which turned out to be one of the best ever. Perhaps the best news is that 2 new friends have entered my life which both show a lot of promise, and I have continued to get much closer to an old acquaintance. So, on the bright side at the beginning of the year I had hoped for 10 really happy days this year, and I feel I have already more than surpassed that total.
Of course, with me the good always comes with more than its share of bad. My health both physically and mentally has certainly deteriorated since my last blog. For the last 8 years I have been fighting back pain from a degenerative disc, but over the last 6 weeks it has gotten almost unbearable. The pain has become constant and has started affecting my leg and my walking. This week I have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon who hopefully can provide me with some relief without surgery. At work I am just miserable. In this new building we are packed on each other like sardines. I can truly hear every conversation my 12 nearest neighbors have, and for someone who already has concentration issues and who is as slow at their job as me any distraction is not good. At home while I really have nothing to complain about, I seem to never be happy. I was left home alone for most of this last weekend, and in the past that would have been a wonderful thing for me. I normally would have gone out partying with friends, watched all my favorite movies, played for hours on the internet, and ate and drank to my heart’s content. This weekend though I was barely able to force myself to go get a bite to eat. I spent the majority of both days laying on the bed in my boxers crying and feeling sorry for myself.
Like the apostle Paul, I so hope everyday to receive some insight as I travel along the long, winding road of life that will bring about a much needed change in my life. Perhaps I need God to lift the scales from my eyes so I can see how truly well I have it. All I know for sure though is that one day soon I am going to have to find a new map, because on the one I was given all roads seem to lead to a dead-end…
Friday, March 26, 2010
Gimme Fever
“And Jesus answering said unto them, They that are whole need not a physician: but they that are sick. “ Luke 5:31
All my life when I would have a bad cold a couple of times a year, I assumed it was the flu. Now though after being stuck in my house for five days not wanting to even move, I know what the real flu feels like. It kicks your butt! It has been a month since I have written in my blog because I just have not had time. Work has become so much more stressful that after exercise and dinner all I want to do is go to bed. There simply is no time for writing. Being sick has certainly given me time to write, but I cannot imagine what work will be like next week when I go back. I will probably be fired for being out so long.
One thing about being sick and out-of-pocket for a lengthy time is that you quickly learn who you mean the most to and who are just mainly ‘sunny day’ friends. Of course, at first everyone you know seems concerned and checks in on you, but as the time progresses most of them fall quickly by the wayside. A few though stand by you no matter how long it takes or how bad things get. Those are the friends who truly love and care for you.
Martin and Joe have of course been taking great care of me. Sometimes their need to nurse becomes overbearing, but I love them for it. Three other friends have really stepped up to check on me numerous times each day. One of these guys has been my friend for over twenty years, and while at times our relationship has fluctuated I know no one could care more about my well-being than him. The other two have surprised me a little more because while I have known both of them for ten years or so it is only in the last few months that we have become really close friends. Seeing how much they worry about me has really bolstered my spirits this week. I am so lucky and thankful to have friends like these three in my life.
I think at times like this what I find most surprising are the people who do not step up. Everyone has different circles of friends. An outer circle of acquaintances that you never really expect much from, and an inner circle who you would do anything for and expect the same in return. My inner circle is a very small one simply because I have a hard time making close friends. I am just not very open and trusting. Those that I do allow into that circle though I am always there available for them, and am truly surprised and hurt when I feel our friendship is not the two-way street that I hoped it to be.
Jesus’ comment in Luke was about those needing to be saved as opposed to those whom were already saved. I feel it can be interpreted more broadly in that you should not just be a friend to someone when their life is going well, but should also be there for them during the down-trodden times. That is what I have always tried to do, and pray I will never let any of my friends down because I know how it feels.
All my life when I would have a bad cold a couple of times a year, I assumed it was the flu. Now though after being stuck in my house for five days not wanting to even move, I know what the real flu feels like. It kicks your butt! It has been a month since I have written in my blog because I just have not had time. Work has become so much more stressful that after exercise and dinner all I want to do is go to bed. There simply is no time for writing. Being sick has certainly given me time to write, but I cannot imagine what work will be like next week when I go back. I will probably be fired for being out so long.
One thing about being sick and out-of-pocket for a lengthy time is that you quickly learn who you mean the most to and who are just mainly ‘sunny day’ friends. Of course, at first everyone you know seems concerned and checks in on you, but as the time progresses most of them fall quickly by the wayside. A few though stand by you no matter how long it takes or how bad things get. Those are the friends who truly love and care for you.
Martin and Joe have of course been taking great care of me. Sometimes their need to nurse becomes overbearing, but I love them for it. Three other friends have really stepped up to check on me numerous times each day. One of these guys has been my friend for over twenty years, and while at times our relationship has fluctuated I know no one could care more about my well-being than him. The other two have surprised me a little more because while I have known both of them for ten years or so it is only in the last few months that we have become really close friends. Seeing how much they worry about me has really bolstered my spirits this week. I am so lucky and thankful to have friends like these three in my life.
I think at times like this what I find most surprising are the people who do not step up. Everyone has different circles of friends. An outer circle of acquaintances that you never really expect much from, and an inner circle who you would do anything for and expect the same in return. My inner circle is a very small one simply because I have a hard time making close friends. I am just not very open and trusting. Those that I do allow into that circle though I am always there available for them, and am truly surprised and hurt when I feel our friendship is not the two-way street that I hoped it to be.
Jesus’ comment in Luke was about those needing to be saved as opposed to those whom were already saved. I feel it can be interpreted more broadly in that you should not just be a friend to someone when their life is going well, but should also be there for them during the down-trodden times. That is what I have always tried to do, and pray I will never let any of my friends down because I know how it feels.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Five Hundred Twenty-five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes
"Ye observe days, and months, and times, and years.” Galatians 4:10
I find it almost impossible to believe that it has been an entire year since I wrote my first blog. I originally got the courage to start writing at the urging of a special friend who thought it might help me find peace with my thoughts. Truthfully I cannot say whether or not it has been a success.
How should a person measure a year in their life? This year has been much like any other in my life full of ups and downs. I forced myself to come out of my self-imposed exile by allowing many new people into my life. I joined a gay hiking group which has certainly served to bring me out of my shell a good bit, but still have not found the courage to attend any events unless Martin was going also. I made three very dear new friends and strengthened two old friendships, but most of these seem to be waning. While life at home continues to be happy, life at work only gets worse especially with our move to the new building rapidly approaching. Other than my depression, my health seems to be very good though I am fearful of what the eye doctor will find when I return to him in May. So no matter how far it seems I progress, still I keep sliding backward.
So what should I do in the year to come? Should I continue to forge ahead enjoying my new openness which has brought a lot of happiness with it, but also leaves me vulnerable to so much pain? Or should I sink back into that dismal little corner where I feel so secure, but so unhappy?
Paul is correct we humans do seem to feel the need to observe anniversaries. Well this my first anniversary blog is my 27th overall. I am not sure if during the next year I will write more or less, but I do plan to continue to write as the spirit moves me. No, I am not sure if it has brought any contentment to my soul, but it has given me a feeling of release each time I write down thoughts that I am too scared to contemplate in any other way. It has certainly seemed a better outlet for my emotions than drinking my self silly or crying myself to sleep. Here is hoping that my second anniversary blog will find my attitude, my health, my life much improved! Guess I better get busy working on that since it is only 525,600 minutes away…
I find it almost impossible to believe that it has been an entire year since I wrote my first blog. I originally got the courage to start writing at the urging of a special friend who thought it might help me find peace with my thoughts. Truthfully I cannot say whether or not it has been a success.
How should a person measure a year in their life? This year has been much like any other in my life full of ups and downs. I forced myself to come out of my self-imposed exile by allowing many new people into my life. I joined a gay hiking group which has certainly served to bring me out of my shell a good bit, but still have not found the courage to attend any events unless Martin was going also. I made three very dear new friends and strengthened two old friendships, but most of these seem to be waning. While life at home continues to be happy, life at work only gets worse especially with our move to the new building rapidly approaching. Other than my depression, my health seems to be very good though I am fearful of what the eye doctor will find when I return to him in May. So no matter how far it seems I progress, still I keep sliding backward.
So what should I do in the year to come? Should I continue to forge ahead enjoying my new openness which has brought a lot of happiness with it, but also leaves me vulnerable to so much pain? Or should I sink back into that dismal little corner where I feel so secure, but so unhappy?
Paul is correct we humans do seem to feel the need to observe anniversaries. Well this my first anniversary blog is my 27th overall. I am not sure if during the next year I will write more or less, but I do plan to continue to write as the spirit moves me. No, I am not sure if it has brought any contentment to my soul, but it has given me a feeling of release each time I write down thoughts that I am too scared to contemplate in any other way. It has certainly seemed a better outlet for my emotions than drinking my self silly or crying myself to sleep. Here is hoping that my second anniversary blog will find my attitude, my health, my life much improved! Guess I better get busy working on that since it is only 525,600 minutes away…
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