Lost In The Darkness

“For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.” Luke 15:24

I am lost. Before sitting down to write this blog, I tried to come up with a word that best describes me at this time in my life. No other word seems to fit me better than lost. Every corner I turn leads to a dead-end. Every move I make becomes just a futile gesture. Every thought I have seems to be black. My life is just in a constant state of confusion.

There have been times in my life of immense happiness. My early years, my high school years, the years after becoming partners with Martin and Lee, and when Joe first came into my life all bring to mind happy times. Each of these has never lasted though. They were each followed by years of dark despair. Dealing with my Mother’s depression, college years when two friends disappeared from my life and dealing with my sexuality, the downward spiral of my partnership which led up to Lee’s death, and the troubles with Joe’s fears and my work related issues all had a part in sorrow replacing happiness.

Through all those years of highs and lows, I never felt totally lost though. Like a friend of mine really likes to say, no matter how bad things get he knows it will not last. Well I guess that was the thought process that kept me going. When I first started writing my blog, I began to see a glimmer of hope that I was moving back out of the darkness. The last couple of months though have seen things become even more dismal. While yes there have been some happy times like the week I spent in Las Vegas, for the most part I now feel that there will never be any extended periods of happiness for me. That feeling is what I truly call ‘lost’.

Another friend of mine asked me the other day if Martin knew how sad I am. I said that no one really knows. Everyone has their own issues with which to deal. On the rare occasions that I have tried to open up with a friend, it just seems in the long run to backfire. While things may begin well, my needs and fears become so strong that they end up having to pull away. So, I usually end up being even more depressed. I have to face the facts that I will probably be forever lost in this maze of darkness. Still I pray constantly that one day like the Prodigal Son in the parable that I will be found. How I long to begin to be merry…