“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” Psalms 51:10
I seem to live my life fluctuating somewhere in between true happiness and dismal sorrow. I always strive so hard to reach nirvana only to have it slip through my fingers just when it seems within reach. I find it hard to write in my blog anymore because it seems I have a pattern of writing about a wonderful happening in my life only to turn around a short time later to write about once again losing everything. Still after going five months without writing, I feel compelled to at least write on this the third anniversary of my first one. Over the last four months, I have felt a true renewal of my spirit. Hopefully by writing about my new chance at happiness here will not in any way compromise that renewal.
When last I checked in my life was in complete turmoil. I had lost really important relationships with three people whom I cared about very much. Though I guess in hindsight if I had cared about them more, and had taken the time to understand what each of them really needed in a relationship I might not have lost them. For 25 years, I tried to be the perfect partner to Martin by allowing him to make all the important decisions in our life. Would he still be in my life if I had been more willing to take charge? For 9 years, I allowed Joe to live his life apart. Would we still be enjoying our lives together if I had forced him to become an open partner? For 5 months, I pampered Crocket trying to be just the opposite of the cruel men he had in his life. Would I have lost him if instead I had treated him more sternly? This needs to be the last time I ask these questions of myself though. As I try to start the rest of my life anew; I need to yes learn from my past mistakes, but never again dwell on them. It is truly time to move forward.
The main reason behind this new sense of possibilities that I feel is having Gaines come into my life in such a special way. Like most of the people I have had relationships with he began as a really good friend. While he has been in my life as a friend for about 3 years now, during the last 4 months he has come to mean so much more to me. The funny thing is that at one time or another Martin, Joe, and Crocket were all jealous of Gaines being in my life, but at those times we were truthfully nothing more than good friends. At a Halloween party this last October, we met up though and have since been pretty much inseparable. Where we will go from here at this point I am not at all sure, but I think we are both enjoying this new aspect to our long term relationship.
I am so thankful to Gaines for being so very careful with my heart. It was unbelievable luck that he was there to catch me when I fell from such a great height. With all the changes in my life over the last year I am constantly asking myself what is real and what is a dream (or a nightmare)? Hopefully though with his help I can find myself, and quit living my life somewhere in between…
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Friday, September 23, 2011
A Decade of Silence
“A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.” Proverbs 15:13
I find it unbelievable that it has been ten years since we lost you! So many people right now are remembering the events of 9/11, but to me those events were quickly overshadowed by my losing you. I remember like it was yesterday the last time I saw you as I was driving off for my half-day at work on the Thursday before your death. You were sitting in that old familiar pose on our front porch drinking your sweet tea and smoking your cigarette. How often I berated you for smoking, but if you were here with me right now I would gladly let you smoke inside!
So many changes have occurred in my and Martin’s lives since you left us. We almost made it ten years without you, but because of my stupidity just did not quite get there. You would be so disappointed in where we are now, but unlike Martin me and you never expected more from each other than what we knew the other could give so I doubt you would be too surprised. We needed you though and your wonderful way of mediating. I know you can imagine how deafening the 10 years of silence we have had without the mouthpiece of our Triad. I think the biggest mistake both Martin and I made was ever allowing the three of us to start a relationship together. It taught me that it was ok for me to love more than one person, but truthfully to him it was never right. Just because we lost you though, I could not change. He was perfectly able to keep just me in his heart, but I was still able to open mine up to more people. Two men have stolen a piece of my heart during the last decade. When Joe came along, Martin at least pretended he cared about him as well and the three of us were together for eight years. Then this past year though when Crocket snuck up on me, I guess that was just more than he could accept. He threw me out of the house, Joe out of his life, and has since become involved with someone new. Now here is the kicker…Joe has decided he is scared to be in my life because he cannot trust me any longer and Crocket has told me that he never actually had any feelings for me and has dropped me completely out of his life. So now your silly man, who just a few months ago had three men vying for his affection, is left completely alone. I can see you smiling at the irony!
Yes, your smile! That is the thing I miss the most about you. Martin and I were both so damned serious all the time, but not you. You, my buddy, were always so childlike in your appreciation of the world. That picture of you smiling as you are working in our fish pond is still one of my most prized possessions. I have to admit that most days now go by without me hardly thinking of you at all. I know that is horrible, and I am not even sure when it started being that way. Still though on those days you thought of as special such as birthdays, Halloween, and most importantly Christmas; I think of you and both laugh and cry with my memories of your merry laughter.
So now Lee, I move on much more alone than after our 15 years came to such an abrupt end. After 25 years of love and life with Martin, after 8 years of love and life with Joe, and after almost 5 months of love and life with Crocket; I am now starting life completely from scratch with most definitely a sorrowful heart and a broken spirit. I only hope that one day my heart will be cheerful again, and I will be able to remember the good times I cherished with each of you. If that day comes maybe I will be able to remember the love each of us shared, rather than the pain of our losses. Please know that though you are not constantly in my thoughts you are sorely missed and very much loved! Until we meet again…
I find it unbelievable that it has been ten years since we lost you! So many people right now are remembering the events of 9/11, but to me those events were quickly overshadowed by my losing you. I remember like it was yesterday the last time I saw you as I was driving off for my half-day at work on the Thursday before your death. You were sitting in that old familiar pose on our front porch drinking your sweet tea and smoking your cigarette. How often I berated you for smoking, but if you were here with me right now I would gladly let you smoke inside!
So many changes have occurred in my and Martin’s lives since you left us. We almost made it ten years without you, but because of my stupidity just did not quite get there. You would be so disappointed in where we are now, but unlike Martin me and you never expected more from each other than what we knew the other could give so I doubt you would be too surprised. We needed you though and your wonderful way of mediating. I know you can imagine how deafening the 10 years of silence we have had without the mouthpiece of our Triad. I think the biggest mistake both Martin and I made was ever allowing the three of us to start a relationship together. It taught me that it was ok for me to love more than one person, but truthfully to him it was never right. Just because we lost you though, I could not change. He was perfectly able to keep just me in his heart, but I was still able to open mine up to more people. Two men have stolen a piece of my heart during the last decade. When Joe came along, Martin at least pretended he cared about him as well and the three of us were together for eight years. Then this past year though when Crocket snuck up on me, I guess that was just more than he could accept. He threw me out of the house, Joe out of his life, and has since become involved with someone new. Now here is the kicker…Joe has decided he is scared to be in my life because he cannot trust me any longer and Crocket has told me that he never actually had any feelings for me and has dropped me completely out of his life. So now your silly man, who just a few months ago had three men vying for his affection, is left completely alone. I can see you smiling at the irony!
Yes, your smile! That is the thing I miss the most about you. Martin and I were both so damned serious all the time, but not you. You, my buddy, were always so childlike in your appreciation of the world. That picture of you smiling as you are working in our fish pond is still one of my most prized possessions. I have to admit that most days now go by without me hardly thinking of you at all. I know that is horrible, and I am not even sure when it started being that way. Still though on those days you thought of as special such as birthdays, Halloween, and most importantly Christmas; I think of you and both laugh and cry with my memories of your merry laughter.
So now Lee, I move on much more alone than after our 15 years came to such an abrupt end. After 25 years of love and life with Martin, after 8 years of love and life with Joe, and after almost 5 months of love and life with Crocket; I am now starting life completely from scratch with most definitely a sorrowful heart and a broken spirit. I only hope that one day my heart will be cheerful again, and I will be able to remember the good times I cherished with each of you. If that day comes maybe I will be able to remember the love each of us shared, rather than the pain of our losses. Please know that though you are not constantly in my thoughts you are sorely missed and very much loved! Until we meet again…
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Happy Anniversary, Baby
“Lover and friend hast thou put far from me, and mine acquaintance into darkness.” Psalms 88:18
Today would have been my 25th anniversary had I not made the mistake of falling so deeply and so quickly for Crocket. For almost 25 years, I lived with and loved one of the most wonderful men in the world. All during those years, friends and enemies alike wondered aloud how Martin could possibly put up with me. Looking at my average appearance, my bad personality, my asinine thought processes, and my general evil nature; I cannot say that I blamed them. Still though we were exact opposites in most things, we seemed to find a way to make it work.
The funny thing is that while there have been quite a few times in the past where I considered giving up on our relationship, I did not consider doing it because of Crocket. Now I was planning on having him in my life, but I just planned to keep Martin as well. It certainly was not without precedence that I should think that would be a perfectly acceptable solution. There has only been one 21 month period during our entire relationship that it was only the two of us alone together. While I did not expect Martin and Crocket to become partners, I did think that I would be able to keep them both in my life. Actually for the first 5 weeks after I told Martin about my feelings for Crocket, it seemed that was exactly what would happen. He continued to treat us both in the same way he always had, and went as far as going to dinner, drinks and movies with us. Then I guess out of the blue something clicked inside his head and he realized he could not live that way.
Yes, perhaps in hindsight at that point I should have done as Crocket has since done to me and dropped him cold while begging Martin for forgiveness; but I was much too caught up in my love for Crocket to let him go completely. While it is a mistake I will have to pay for the rest of my life, it is also one I will have to find a way to live with and move on. I think what bothers me the most is how cold emotionally this has made Martin. I asked him earlier this week if he would like to go to dinner with me tonight. I told him I thought it might be good for both of us to help us in our growing process. While he agreed to go with me without any hesitation, he added that we could use the time alone to discuss what we were going to do about our house. Of course that makes perfect sense in a very frigidly, logical way to discuss divorce proceedings on the actual day of your anniversary. Then last night he did a complete about face, and wrote me explaining that he did not feel like going to dinner with me on what would have been our anniversary. He bluntly said that I needed to just let him go, and that we could get together some other time to discuss the division of assets. It is not just me though that he has turned a cold shoulder toward. While he has already roped himself a new boyfriend, he no longer sees any of his old friends except once a week at choir. I hate knowing that my actions have caused such a change in this man that I have loved for so many years.
So tonight for our silver anniversary, I am sure Martin will have dinner and enjoy the evening with his new friend in my house. For myself, I will sit alone in the home I tried to build for me and Crocket. There I will drink, I will cry, and I will once again descend into darkness…
Today would have been my 25th anniversary had I not made the mistake of falling so deeply and so quickly for Crocket. For almost 25 years, I lived with and loved one of the most wonderful men in the world. All during those years, friends and enemies alike wondered aloud how Martin could possibly put up with me. Looking at my average appearance, my bad personality, my asinine thought processes, and my general evil nature; I cannot say that I blamed them. Still though we were exact opposites in most things, we seemed to find a way to make it work.
The funny thing is that while there have been quite a few times in the past where I considered giving up on our relationship, I did not consider doing it because of Crocket. Now I was planning on having him in my life, but I just planned to keep Martin as well. It certainly was not without precedence that I should think that would be a perfectly acceptable solution. There has only been one 21 month period during our entire relationship that it was only the two of us alone together. While I did not expect Martin and Crocket to become partners, I did think that I would be able to keep them both in my life. Actually for the first 5 weeks after I told Martin about my feelings for Crocket, it seemed that was exactly what would happen. He continued to treat us both in the same way he always had, and went as far as going to dinner, drinks and movies with us. Then I guess out of the blue something clicked inside his head and he realized he could not live that way.
Yes, perhaps in hindsight at that point I should have done as Crocket has since done to me and dropped him cold while begging Martin for forgiveness; but I was much too caught up in my love for Crocket to let him go completely. While it is a mistake I will have to pay for the rest of my life, it is also one I will have to find a way to live with and move on. I think what bothers me the most is how cold emotionally this has made Martin. I asked him earlier this week if he would like to go to dinner with me tonight. I told him I thought it might be good for both of us to help us in our growing process. While he agreed to go with me without any hesitation, he added that we could use the time alone to discuss what we were going to do about our house. Of course that makes perfect sense in a very frigidly, logical way to discuss divorce proceedings on the actual day of your anniversary. Then last night he did a complete about face, and wrote me explaining that he did not feel like going to dinner with me on what would have been our anniversary. He bluntly said that I needed to just let him go, and that we could get together some other time to discuss the division of assets. It is not just me though that he has turned a cold shoulder toward. While he has already roped himself a new boyfriend, he no longer sees any of his old friends except once a week at choir. I hate knowing that my actions have caused such a change in this man that I have loved for so many years.
So tonight for our silver anniversary, I am sure Martin will have dinner and enjoy the evening with his new friend in my house. For myself, I will sit alone in the home I tried to build for me and Crocket. There I will drink, I will cry, and I will once again descend into darkness…
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Fools Rush In...
“As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.” Proverbs 26:11
Well even for me where big changes in my life always seem to come fast and out-of-nowhere this one was exceptionally quick. Truthfully my mind, heart, and soul all feel like they were struck by lightning. For the second time in the same year, I went to bed thinking my life had just about reached perfection only to wake up the next day to total chaos. The new life that Crocket and I were building together was torn away from me by his refusal to grow and move on with his life. The lazy man that he is found it simpler and more advantageous for him to return to his old life even if it meant living forever without love.
I could certainly sit here and write for days analyzing Crocket. I could list his fears, insecurities, issues, and mistakes; but this blog is supposed to be about me. Really the only thing needed to be known about him to understand where I am at this point is that he is an emotionally scarred, young boy who allows himself to be ruled not by the love he feels, but instead by his deeply embedded fears. He does not know how to accept true love into his life, but feels much more comfortable living life as a possession rather than a partner. Those are issues that I pray one day he will be able to combat, but he has made it clear that he does not want my help in doing so.
Analyzing myself is much more difficult because every choice Crocket makes no matter how bad it is for him he at least can come up with a reason behind it. Now where he is concerned that reason certainly has a 50/50 chance of being a lie, but still it is a reason nonetheless. I have no reasons or excuses for having allowed myself to fall in love with him. I certainly have no excuse for having allowed him to come back into my life in April after he had already shattered my heart! I think many of my friends would say it was caused by a mid-life crisis of a 48 year old man just having his heart swayed by someone half his age actually showing sexual interest in him. Others if they knew his whole story would probably say that my need to protect those who cannot protect themselves came bursting out and moved my heart. While certainly I will admit that both of those theories probably played into the beginnings of my relationship with him, the actual truth though is that in the end I simply fell in love with a remarkable man. No, he is most definitely not remarkable on the outside. You have to be patient and willing to dig through all the layers to get to that special man inside. I think I am the only person who has been lucky enough or patient enough to be able to view that part of him, if only for a split second before he closed the shell back around himself.
When I allowed Crocket back into my life, I truly was a fool returning to his folly. Instead of using common sense, I allowed myself to be ruled by the absolute love in my heart for him. Would I be willing to give up the memories of the last 4 ½ months of love and partnership we have shared even though they leave me each night on the verge of despair? The answer is most definitely not! Would I ever make the mistake of allowing him back into my life again? To quote the song, “wise men never fall in love..."
Well even for me where big changes in my life always seem to come fast and out-of-nowhere this one was exceptionally quick. Truthfully my mind, heart, and soul all feel like they were struck by lightning. For the second time in the same year, I went to bed thinking my life had just about reached perfection only to wake up the next day to total chaos. The new life that Crocket and I were building together was torn away from me by his refusal to grow and move on with his life. The lazy man that he is found it simpler and more advantageous for him to return to his old life even if it meant living forever without love.
I could certainly sit here and write for days analyzing Crocket. I could list his fears, insecurities, issues, and mistakes; but this blog is supposed to be about me. Really the only thing needed to be known about him to understand where I am at this point is that he is an emotionally scarred, young boy who allows himself to be ruled not by the love he feels, but instead by his deeply embedded fears. He does not know how to accept true love into his life, but feels much more comfortable living life as a possession rather than a partner. Those are issues that I pray one day he will be able to combat, but he has made it clear that he does not want my help in doing so.
Analyzing myself is much more difficult because every choice Crocket makes no matter how bad it is for him he at least can come up with a reason behind it. Now where he is concerned that reason certainly has a 50/50 chance of being a lie, but still it is a reason nonetheless. I have no reasons or excuses for having allowed myself to fall in love with him. I certainly have no excuse for having allowed him to come back into my life in April after he had already shattered my heart! I think many of my friends would say it was caused by a mid-life crisis of a 48 year old man just having his heart swayed by someone half his age actually showing sexual interest in him. Others if they knew his whole story would probably say that my need to protect those who cannot protect themselves came bursting out and moved my heart. While certainly I will admit that both of those theories probably played into the beginnings of my relationship with him, the actual truth though is that in the end I simply fell in love with a remarkable man. No, he is most definitely not remarkable on the outside. You have to be patient and willing to dig through all the layers to get to that special man inside. I think I am the only person who has been lucky enough or patient enough to be able to view that part of him, if only for a split second before he closed the shell back around himself.
When I allowed Crocket back into my life, I truly was a fool returning to his folly. Instead of using common sense, I allowed myself to be ruled by the absolute love in my heart for him. Would I be willing to give up the memories of the last 4 ½ months of love and partnership we have shared even though they leave me each night on the verge of despair? The answer is most definitely not! Would I ever make the mistake of allowing him back into my life again? To quote the song, “wise men never fall in love..."
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Changes in Attitude, Changes in Latitude
“If a man die, shall he live again? all the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come.” Job 14:14
Well after 49 years of having never lived alone, and almost 25 of those years being lived with the same person; I for the first time in my life rented an apartment. It is a fearful step I take without Martin by my side, one that just a few months ago I would have thought impossible. I have lived most of my life very controlled, so I was knocked off my feet when these drastic changes came so quickly and unexpectedly.
I guess looking back on it I should not have been so surprised since most of the issues that have led to my break-up with Martin were caused by me. Still coming home one Sunday to find my suitcases pulled out of the attic and sitting on my floor was something of a shock. Of course, at that point I truthfully thought he just wanted a short separation to mull things over. I never dreamed that the 4th of July would actually become his Independence Day from me. So after 24 years and 306 days, my life as Martin’s partner came to an abrupt end.
We became partners on August 31st of 1986 at a pre-Labor Day barbeque, and officially separated on July 4th of 2011 after I returned home from a 4th of July barbeque. During those almost 25 years, we lived through many good and bad times. The worst of course being our loss of Lee back in 2001. It surprised me at that time that our relationship survived the loss, and perhaps in retrospect it did not. We seemed to become more just good friends than partners especially a year later when Joe came into our lives. The last eight years as we have lived, eaten, vacationed, laughed and cried together; I guess we really were doing it more as three buddies than as three life partners.
Now though as I begin my new life, it is not me that I am worried about. I am lucky enough to have Crocket to stand beside me. He has been my savior this year bringing happiness back to my heart and life back to my soul. Instead, it is the other two whose future has me worried. While in the long run, I think it will be harder on Martin to live on his on since Joe has done so in the past; still Joe is the one who has me most concerned. Martin made these choices on his own. He could have kept either both Joe and me or just Joe in his life had he chosen to do so. Instead he made the decision to erase us both out of his life, even though Joe had done nothing to deserve that treatment. So while I hope he finds happiness, I do not hold myself responsible for helping him move on. Joe on the other hand had no choice. After giving his love to us for 8 years, he had us both in one way or another turn our backs on him. While Martin does not appear to be bothered by his part in this, I cannot help but feel sad for having hurt him so deeply. At this point, Joe and I have seemingly come to an understanding that while our relationship will never be the same hopefully we will be able to stay a part of each other’s life.
Change has always been difficult for me, but in some ways I do feel like I have been born again into a brand new life. I am no longer sitting around hoping for a better change to come; instead I am starting fresh in a new home walking hand in hand with Crocket. Perhaps change is not always a bad thing…
Well after 49 years of having never lived alone, and almost 25 of those years being lived with the same person; I for the first time in my life rented an apartment. It is a fearful step I take without Martin by my side, one that just a few months ago I would have thought impossible. I have lived most of my life very controlled, so I was knocked off my feet when these drastic changes came so quickly and unexpectedly.
I guess looking back on it I should not have been so surprised since most of the issues that have led to my break-up with Martin were caused by me. Still coming home one Sunday to find my suitcases pulled out of the attic and sitting on my floor was something of a shock. Of course, at that point I truthfully thought he just wanted a short separation to mull things over. I never dreamed that the 4th of July would actually become his Independence Day from me. So after 24 years and 306 days, my life as Martin’s partner came to an abrupt end.
We became partners on August 31st of 1986 at a pre-Labor Day barbeque, and officially separated on July 4th of 2011 after I returned home from a 4th of July barbeque. During those almost 25 years, we lived through many good and bad times. The worst of course being our loss of Lee back in 2001. It surprised me at that time that our relationship survived the loss, and perhaps in retrospect it did not. We seemed to become more just good friends than partners especially a year later when Joe came into our lives. The last eight years as we have lived, eaten, vacationed, laughed and cried together; I guess we really were doing it more as three buddies than as three life partners.
Now though as I begin my new life, it is not me that I am worried about. I am lucky enough to have Crocket to stand beside me. He has been my savior this year bringing happiness back to my heart and life back to my soul. Instead, it is the other two whose future has me worried. While in the long run, I think it will be harder on Martin to live on his on since Joe has done so in the past; still Joe is the one who has me most concerned. Martin made these choices on his own. He could have kept either both Joe and me or just Joe in his life had he chosen to do so. Instead he made the decision to erase us both out of his life, even though Joe had done nothing to deserve that treatment. So while I hope he finds happiness, I do not hold myself responsible for helping him move on. Joe on the other hand had no choice. After giving his love to us for 8 years, he had us both in one way or another turn our backs on him. While Martin does not appear to be bothered by his part in this, I cannot help but feel sad for having hurt him so deeply. At this point, Joe and I have seemingly come to an understanding that while our relationship will never be the same hopefully we will be able to stay a part of each other’s life.
Change has always been difficult for me, but in some ways I do feel like I have been born again into a brand new life. I am no longer sitting around hoping for a better change to come; instead I am starting fresh in a new home walking hand in hand with Crocket. Perhaps change is not always a bad thing…
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Our Day Will Come
“But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.” Romans 8:25
My entire life has seemed like a ride on a rollercoaster with extreme highs followed rapidly by severe lows. Therefore it is really no surprise that the last two months have been a microcosm of the rest of my life. I started out March on quite a high only to see it shot down to where most of the month I spent feeling lower than I have ever felt before. Then just when I was about to give up on ever feeling better the month of April came in with unbelievable joy.
As more and more days in March kept passing, I truthfully thought my friendship with Crocket was beyond repair. I thought the differences between what my needs in the friendship in comparison to what he was able to give were irreconcilable. Each time we saw each other he just seemed to pull further away. Then as we entered April, he seemed to take a complete about face. All of a sudden he started responding positively to my outstretched hand. Slowly, but surely our friendship seemed to right itself. At first we just started e-mailing and texting each other again, and then we progressed to dinners and drinks. Now we seem to not only be back to where we were before March, but we have grown even closer.
I think the issue that caused the biggest rift was not any differences between us, but instead how our respective partners might view our growing relationship. It seems to me that whether you are involved in a relationship for 2 years or 20 years any change in the status quo can bring about jealousy. I truthfully have never understood jealousy. It is not an emotion that I had ever felt myself, so I am amazed at the extreme negative influence it can have on all types of relationships. Why cannot people just see that we are all capable of loving many different people in many different ways, and that the love you feel for one person does not in any way diminish the love you feel for another?
While Crocket’s issues dealt mainly with jealousy, my depression was caused mainly by a lack of patience on my side. Had I been willing to just relax and wait out the initial few weeks, perhaps I could have saved myself a lot of worry. On the other hand, had I not been willing to continue to push Crocket to make the hard decision to keep me in his life maybe we still would be estranged. Now patience is something we are both going to have to learn as we continue to hope that our relationship will conquer all the obstacles it faces and grow into a lasting one. Hopefully our love for each other will be strong enough that sometime in the future our day will come…
My entire life has seemed like a ride on a rollercoaster with extreme highs followed rapidly by severe lows. Therefore it is really no surprise that the last two months have been a microcosm of the rest of my life. I started out March on quite a high only to see it shot down to where most of the month I spent feeling lower than I have ever felt before. Then just when I was about to give up on ever feeling better the month of April came in with unbelievable joy.
As more and more days in March kept passing, I truthfully thought my friendship with Crocket was beyond repair. I thought the differences between what my needs in the friendship in comparison to what he was able to give were irreconcilable. Each time we saw each other he just seemed to pull further away. Then as we entered April, he seemed to take a complete about face. All of a sudden he started responding positively to my outstretched hand. Slowly, but surely our friendship seemed to right itself. At first we just started e-mailing and texting each other again, and then we progressed to dinners and drinks. Now we seem to not only be back to where we were before March, but we have grown even closer.
I think the issue that caused the biggest rift was not any differences between us, but instead how our respective partners might view our growing relationship. It seems to me that whether you are involved in a relationship for 2 years or 20 years any change in the status quo can bring about jealousy. I truthfully have never understood jealousy. It is not an emotion that I had ever felt myself, so I am amazed at the extreme negative influence it can have on all types of relationships. Why cannot people just see that we are all capable of loving many different people in many different ways, and that the love you feel for one person does not in any way diminish the love you feel for another?
While Crocket’s issues dealt mainly with jealousy, my depression was caused mainly by a lack of patience on my side. Had I been willing to just relax and wait out the initial few weeks, perhaps I could have saved myself a lot of worry. On the other hand, had I not been willing to continue to push Crocket to make the hard decision to keep me in his life maybe we still would be estranged. Now patience is something we are both going to have to learn as we continue to hope that our relationship will conquer all the obstacles it faces and grow into a lasting one. Hopefully our love for each other will be strong enough that sometime in the future our day will come…
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
What A Difference A Day Makes
"But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." II Peter 3:8
24 little hours...
Bad things can happen in a day! One day I had just boarded a cruise ship in New Orleans, and I called to say goodbye to my parents. I talked with my Dad for about 10 minutes, and he told me to have a great time. The next day he is gone, and I am left trying to find a way home from Jamaica for his funeral.
One day I am at the beach having a great time. That evening from one of Lee’s favorite restaurants at Gulf Shores I call home to tell him how I wished he could be there with me. The next day he is gone, killed by someone he thought of as a friend.
Before you think I am completely negative, though if you read this blog all the time you have already figured that out, there are good things that can happen in a day! One day I went over Martin and Lee’s house for a barbeque supper. The next day, we were life partners.
One day my Mother is rushed to the hospital with blood pressure of 40/20, and the doctor says he is not sure what is wrong with her or if she can be stabilized. The next day, she is up walking around the hospital room asking when she can go back to water aerobics.
Yes, it is unbelievable sometimes the changes that can occur in just one day’s time that will forever have an effect on our less than meaningful lives. So where am I headed with this opening salvo, you ask? I recently had another devastating loss in my life. While not a death, it was the loss of a great friend from my life. Once again it happened in just one day. On the first Sunday of March, we got together for coffee and a chat just mainly discussing upcoming events in our lives where we were going to get to spend some time together. When we drove off that evening in separate directions, I was so happy to have built this new, strong friendship. Little did I know that the next day it would come crashing down around me.
Crocket has only been in my life for about six months, and it amazes me with my trust issues how quickly our friendship blossomed. He went from just casual acquaintance, to friend, to one of my closest friends so quickly. He is an amazing man who has been through so much in his life, but found a way to better himself through it all. His knowledge, strength of character, and good heart completely floored me from the moment I got to know him. I found myself opening up to him, sharing my life and my secrets, and truly giving him a piece of my heart. Now though because of a tragic mistake on my part, that beautiful friendship that seemingly had no limitations of where it might lead lies in ruins.
He, of course, says all the right things. That he still cares about me, and still considers me his friend. My ideas of true friendship though are very limited, and a cordial nod when we just happen to run into each other does not meet my definition of what a friend is. At this point I truly doubt I will ever even have a meaningful conversation with him again. Not only does he not want us to have any face-to-face talks anymore, he has asked that I do not even write e-mails to him. For someone like myself who really loves to write to express his thoughts and feelings, this has been truly difficult for me. Like a child, I have found myself even writing status updates and checking-in on Facebook (something I have never done much of in the past), simply hoping he will see it and remember our friendship if only for a minute in time.
Peter writes that time means nothing to God, but we humans are all too aware of the passing of time. For all the changes that occurred in my life between the 6th and 7th of March, it would seem that there had to be like a thousand years in that day. Now each day since then as I cry, and drink, and hope for a better result; seems to last a thousand years for me. As I rapidly approach the end of my fifth decade in this world, I guess I notice more and more the quickly passing time. That makes me hate wasting even a second of precious time! In Elizabeth Taylor’s last tweet to the world she wrote, “Every breath you take today should be with someone else in mind”. Well Crocket for the last couple of months that is exactly where you have been…I am sorry!
24 little hours...
Bad things can happen in a day! One day I had just boarded a cruise ship in New Orleans, and I called to say goodbye to my parents. I talked with my Dad for about 10 minutes, and he told me to have a great time. The next day he is gone, and I am left trying to find a way home from Jamaica for his funeral.
One day I am at the beach having a great time. That evening from one of Lee’s favorite restaurants at Gulf Shores I call home to tell him how I wished he could be there with me. The next day he is gone, killed by someone he thought of as a friend.
Before you think I am completely negative, though if you read this blog all the time you have already figured that out, there are good things that can happen in a day! One day I went over Martin and Lee’s house for a barbeque supper. The next day, we were life partners.
One day my Mother is rushed to the hospital with blood pressure of 40/20, and the doctor says he is not sure what is wrong with her or if she can be stabilized. The next day, she is up walking around the hospital room asking when she can go back to water aerobics.
Yes, it is unbelievable sometimes the changes that can occur in just one day’s time that will forever have an effect on our less than meaningful lives. So where am I headed with this opening salvo, you ask? I recently had another devastating loss in my life. While not a death, it was the loss of a great friend from my life. Once again it happened in just one day. On the first Sunday of March, we got together for coffee and a chat just mainly discussing upcoming events in our lives where we were going to get to spend some time together. When we drove off that evening in separate directions, I was so happy to have built this new, strong friendship. Little did I know that the next day it would come crashing down around me.
Crocket has only been in my life for about six months, and it amazes me with my trust issues how quickly our friendship blossomed. He went from just casual acquaintance, to friend, to one of my closest friends so quickly. He is an amazing man who has been through so much in his life, but found a way to better himself through it all. His knowledge, strength of character, and good heart completely floored me from the moment I got to know him. I found myself opening up to him, sharing my life and my secrets, and truly giving him a piece of my heart. Now though because of a tragic mistake on my part, that beautiful friendship that seemingly had no limitations of where it might lead lies in ruins.
He, of course, says all the right things. That he still cares about me, and still considers me his friend. My ideas of true friendship though are very limited, and a cordial nod when we just happen to run into each other does not meet my definition of what a friend is. At this point I truly doubt I will ever even have a meaningful conversation with him again. Not only does he not want us to have any face-to-face talks anymore, he has asked that I do not even write e-mails to him. For someone like myself who really loves to write to express his thoughts and feelings, this has been truly difficult for me. Like a child, I have found myself even writing status updates and checking-in on Facebook (something I have never done much of in the past), simply hoping he will see it and remember our friendship if only for a minute in time.
Peter writes that time means nothing to God, but we humans are all too aware of the passing of time. For all the changes that occurred in my life between the 6th and 7th of March, it would seem that there had to be like a thousand years in that day. Now each day since then as I cry, and drink, and hope for a better result; seems to last a thousand years for me. As I rapidly approach the end of my fifth decade in this world, I guess I notice more and more the quickly passing time. That makes me hate wasting even a second of precious time! In Elizabeth Taylor’s last tweet to the world she wrote, “Every breath you take today should be with someone else in mind”. Well Crocket for the last couple of months that is exactly where you have been…I am sorry!
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