A Decade of Silence

“A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.” Proverbs 15:13

I find it unbelievable that it has been ten years since we lost you! So many people right now are remembering the events of 9/11, but to me those events were quickly overshadowed by my losing you. I remember like it was yesterday the last time I saw you as I was driving off for my half-day at work on the Thursday before your death. You were sitting in that old familiar pose on our front porch drinking your sweet tea and smoking your cigarette. How often I berated you for smoking, but if you were here with me right now I would gladly let you smoke inside!

So many changes have occurred in my and Martin’s lives since you left us. We almost made it ten years without you, but because of my stupidity just did not quite get there. You would be so disappointed in where we are now, but unlike Martin me and you never expected more from each other than what we knew the other could give so I doubt you would be too surprised. We needed you though and your wonderful way of mediating. I know you can imagine how deafening the 10 years of silence we have had without the mouthpiece of our Triad. I think the biggest mistake both Martin and I made was ever allowing the three of us to start a relationship together. It taught me that it was ok for me to love more than one person, but truthfully to him it was never right. Just because we lost you though, I could not change. He was perfectly able to keep just me in his heart, but I was still able to open mine up to more people. Two men have stolen a piece of my heart during the last decade. When Joe came along, Martin at least pretended he cared about him as well and the three of us were together for eight years. Then this past year though when Crocket snuck up on me, I guess that was just more than he could accept. He threw me out of the house, Joe out of his life, and has since become involved with someone new. Now here is the kicker…Joe has decided he is scared to be in my life because he cannot trust me any longer and Crocket has told me that he never actually had any feelings for me and has dropped me completely out of his life. So now your silly man, who just a few months ago had three men vying for his affection, is left completely alone. I can see you smiling at the irony!

Yes, your smile! That is the thing I miss the most about you. Martin and I were both so damned serious all the time, but not you. You, my buddy, were always so childlike in your appreciation of the world. That picture of you smiling as you are working in our fish pond is still one of my most prized possessions. I have to admit that most days now go by without me hardly thinking of you at all. I know that is horrible, and I am not even sure when it started being that way. Still though on those days you thought of as special such as birthdays, Halloween, and most importantly Christmas; I think of you and both laugh and cry with my memories of your merry laughter.

So now Lee, I move on much more alone than after our 15 years came to such an abrupt end. After 25 years of love and life with Martin, after 8 years of love and life with Joe, and after almost 5 months of love and life with Crocket; I am now starting life completely from scratch with most definitely a sorrowful heart and a broken spirit. I only hope that one day my heart will be cheerful again, and I will be able to remember the good times I cherished with each of you. If that day comes maybe I will be able to remember the love each of us shared, rather than the pain of our losses. Please know that though you are not constantly in my thoughts you are sorely missed and very much loved! Until we meet again…