Somewhere In Between

“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” Psalms 51:10

I seem to live my life fluctuating somewhere in between true happiness and dismal sorrow. I always strive so hard to reach nirvana only to have it slip through my fingers just when it seems within reach. I find it hard to write in my blog anymore because it seems I have a pattern of writing about a wonderful happening in my life only to turn around a short time later to write about once again losing everything. Still after going five months without writing, I feel compelled to at least write on this the third anniversary of my first one. Over the last four months, I have felt a true renewal of my spirit. Hopefully by writing about my new chance at happiness here will not in any way compromise that renewal.

When last I checked in my life was in complete turmoil. I had lost really important relationships with three people whom I cared about very much. Though I guess in hindsight if I had cared about them more, and had taken the time to understand what each of them really needed in a relationship I might not have lost them. For 25 years, I tried to be the perfect partner to Martin by allowing him to make all the important decisions in our life. Would he still be in my life if I had been more willing to take charge? For 9 years, I allowed Joe to live his life apart. Would we still be enjoying our lives together if I had forced him to become an open partner? For 5 months, I pampered Crocket trying to be just the opposite of the cruel men he had in his life. Would I have lost him if instead I had treated him more sternly? This needs to be the last time I ask these questions of myself though. As I try to start the rest of my life anew; I need to yes learn from my past mistakes, but never again dwell on them. It is truly time to move forward.

The main reason behind this new sense of possibilities that I feel is having Gaines come into my life in such a special way. Like most of the people I have had relationships with he began as a really good friend. While he has been in my life as a friend for about 3 years now, during the last 4 months he has come to mean so much more to me. The funny thing is that at one time or another Martin, Joe, and Crocket were all jealous of Gaines being in my life, but at those times we were truthfully nothing more than good friends. At a Halloween party this last October, we met up though and have since been pretty much inseparable. Where we will go from here at this point I am not at all sure, but I think we are both enjoying this new aspect to our long term relationship.

I am so thankful to Gaines for being so very careful with my heart. It was unbelievable luck that he was there to catch me when I fell from such a great height. With all the changes in my life over the last year I am constantly asking myself what is real and what is a dream (or a nightmare)? Hopefully though with his help I can find myself, and quit living my life somewhere in between…