“Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me.” Psalms 41:9
There are two ways for a person to view trust. From your own viewpoint, are you a trusting person? From other people’s viewpoint, are you a trustworthy person? While I have always thought of myself as a trustworthy person, I am sure there are people out there who would disagree with me. What I most assuredly am not is a trusting person. Very rarely have I been brave enough to put my total trust in anyone. This most likely comes from my upbringing where secrets ran rampant in our house.
I can think of no greater compliment than to be thought of as being trustworthy. It is something I have always strived to be in my life, and perhaps having learned to keep my own life close to the vest has given me a leg up on doing the same for other people. I take the Psalm to heart in that I cannot imagine anything much worse than betraying a friend. From my own experience I know how hard it is to lay your trust into someone else’s hands, and if I were to misuse that confidence it would hurt me as much as the one who trusted me.
One might think that a person who considers themselves to be so trustworthy would in turn be trusting. In my case, I certainly find that to not be true. It is not like I have actually been betrayed over and over again in my life, but instead it is just the fear of betrayal that causes me to not be able to trust easily. Occasionally someone comes along that is able to break through to the real me, and when they do it is like a beautiful warm light surrounding me. I so crave that feeling, but cannot overcome my fears to allow myself to open up to very many people.
I am not sure what this blog is even supposed to be about. Last week I went on an extremely relaxing vacation. I had such an enjoyable time that for a week life seemed almost perfect. It only took a couple of days back in reality though for me to come crashing down from that high. I returned home to issues at work, with my birth family, and with some close friends that once again had me crying through sleepless nights. What does all that have to do with trust though? Well I do not trust the powers at work who lie to us every day about how long our jobs will remain in town, I do not trust my Mom and Sister to do what is best for themselves in their own lives, and I guess I really do not always trust that I will do what is right for my closest friends.
To those rare gems in this world, the people who have found a way to win my trust, I thank you for giving me the peace that comes with that gift. To those who have tried to win my trust and failed, I am sorry just know that it probably has more to do with my issues than you. Perhaps the biggest problem is that I do not trust myself…
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Alone Again (Naturally)
“I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.” Psalms 102:7
Sometimes I find myself sitting at a table surrounded by friends wondering how can I feel lonely? Sometimes while chatting with 4 or 5 different people on Facebook at the same time I find myself wondering how can I feel lonely? Right now I am lying on my bed in a house filled with love wondering how can I feel lonely?
The most common definition for the word alone is ‘separated from others’. That is a situation in which I rarely find myself. Instead the situation I most often find myself in is best described by one of the less common definitions for the word lonely. That is ‘producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation’. See I could be completely surrounded by people who love me, and still I would feel as if I was in a black hole by myself.
One of the aspects of my loneness seems to be talking to myself. I can be listening and even interacting in an on-going conversation with a group of people while carrying on an entire conversation with myself in my head at the same time. Most often it has nothing at all to do with what is being said around me. I can never remember a time that I did not have these interactions with myself. Usually these are quiet conversations in my head, but can be embarrassing at times when someone walks in on a vocal one. I do not think of it as an illness in that it is not voices that I hear telling me to do things. It is simply me most often trying to decide on a course of events by weighing both sides.
You would probably think that being this lonely I would dread anytime that I have to be physically alone. That is definitely not true though. I actually cherish some of the rare moments that I have to myself. It is not physical aloneness that hurts, but mental or emotional aloneness. Perhaps the fact that I have such a hard time sharing my inner most thoughts and feelings with anyone is the root cause. I have at times in my life tried to be more open, but each time has ended in failure. The failure stemmed sometimes from me not being capable of complete honesty, and other times because I chose the wrong person with whom to share this honesty.
David in this particular Psalm at times seems to be writing directly about me as he writes “‘my days are consumed like smoke…my heart is smitten…by reason of the voice of my groaning” Through this particular poem he is reminding me that even though I feel like “a sparrow alone upon the house top” that God is always there beside me. Perhaps when I am talking to myself I am actually talking to God. Though if that is the case then I wish He would give better advice…
Sometimes I find myself sitting at a table surrounded by friends wondering how can I feel lonely? Sometimes while chatting with 4 or 5 different people on Facebook at the same time I find myself wondering how can I feel lonely? Right now I am lying on my bed in a house filled with love wondering how can I feel lonely?
The most common definition for the word alone is ‘separated from others’. That is a situation in which I rarely find myself. Instead the situation I most often find myself in is best described by one of the less common definitions for the word lonely. That is ‘producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation’. See I could be completely surrounded by people who love me, and still I would feel as if I was in a black hole by myself.
One of the aspects of my loneness seems to be talking to myself. I can be listening and even interacting in an on-going conversation with a group of people while carrying on an entire conversation with myself in my head at the same time. Most often it has nothing at all to do with what is being said around me. I can never remember a time that I did not have these interactions with myself. Usually these are quiet conversations in my head, but can be embarrassing at times when someone walks in on a vocal one. I do not think of it as an illness in that it is not voices that I hear telling me to do things. It is simply me most often trying to decide on a course of events by weighing both sides.
You would probably think that being this lonely I would dread anytime that I have to be physically alone. That is definitely not true though. I actually cherish some of the rare moments that I have to myself. It is not physical aloneness that hurts, but mental or emotional aloneness. Perhaps the fact that I have such a hard time sharing my inner most thoughts and feelings with anyone is the root cause. I have at times in my life tried to be more open, but each time has ended in failure. The failure stemmed sometimes from me not being capable of complete honesty, and other times because I chose the wrong person with whom to share this honesty.
David in this particular Psalm at times seems to be writing directly about me as he writes “‘my days are consumed like smoke…my heart is smitten…by reason of the voice of my groaning” Through this particular poem he is reminding me that even though I feel like “a sparrow alone upon the house top” that God is always there beside me. Perhaps when I am talking to myself I am actually talking to God. Though if that is the case then I wish He would give better advice…
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