Alone Again (Naturally)

“I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.” Psalms 102:7

Sometimes I find myself sitting at a table surrounded by friends wondering how can I feel lonely? Sometimes while chatting with 4 or 5 different people on Facebook at the same time I find myself wondering how can I feel lonely? Right now I am lying on my bed in a house filled with love wondering how can I feel lonely?

The most common definition for the word alone is ‘separated from others’. That is a situation in which I rarely find myself. Instead the situation I most often find myself in is best described by one of the less common definitions for the word lonely. That is ‘producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation’. See I could be completely surrounded by people who love me, and still I would feel as if I was in a black hole by myself.

One of the aspects of my loneness seems to be talking to myself. I can be listening and even interacting in an on-going conversation with a group of people while carrying on an entire conversation with myself in my head at the same time. Most often it has nothing at all to do with what is being said around me. I can never remember a time that I did not have these interactions with myself. Usually these are quiet conversations in my head, but can be embarrassing at times when someone walks in on a vocal one. I do not think of it as an illness in that it is not voices that I hear telling me to do things. It is simply me most often trying to decide on a course of events by weighing both sides.

You would probably think that being this lonely I would dread anytime that I have to be physically alone. That is definitely not true though. I actually cherish some of the rare moments that I have to myself. It is not physical aloneness that hurts, but mental or emotional aloneness. Perhaps the fact that I have such a hard time sharing my inner most thoughts and feelings with anyone is the root cause. I have at times in my life tried to be more open, but each time has ended in failure. The failure stemmed sometimes from me not being capable of complete honesty, and other times because I chose the wrong person with whom to share this honesty.

David in this particular Psalm at times seems to be writing directly about me as he writes “‘my days are consumed like smoke…my heart is smitten…by reason of the voice of my groaning” Through this particular poem he is reminding me that even though I feel like “a sparrow alone upon the house top” that God is always there beside me. Perhaps when I am talking to myself I am actually talking to God. Though if that is the case then I wish He would give better advice…