"Ye observe days, and months, and times, and years.” Galatians 4:10
I find it almost impossible to believe that it has been an entire year since I wrote my first blog. I originally got the courage to start writing at the urging of a special friend who thought it might help me find peace with my thoughts. Truthfully I cannot say whether or not it has been a success.
How should a person measure a year in their life? This year has been much like any other in my life full of ups and downs. I forced myself to come out of my self-imposed exile by allowing many new people into my life. I joined a gay hiking group which has certainly served to bring me out of my shell a good bit, but still have not found the courage to attend any events unless Martin was going also. I made three very dear new friends and strengthened two old friendships, but most of these seem to be waning. While life at home continues to be happy, life at work only gets worse especially with our move to the new building rapidly approaching. Other than my depression, my health seems to be very good though I am fearful of what the eye doctor will find when I return to him in May. So no matter how far it seems I progress, still I keep sliding backward.
So what should I do in the year to come? Should I continue to forge ahead enjoying my new openness which has brought a lot of happiness with it, but also leaves me vulnerable to so much pain? Or should I sink back into that dismal little corner where I feel so secure, but so unhappy?
Paul is correct we humans do seem to feel the need to observe anniversaries. Well this my first anniversary blog is my 27th overall. I am not sure if during the next year I will write more or less, but I do plan to continue to write as the spirit moves me. No, I am not sure if it has brought any contentment to my soul, but it has given me a feeling of release each time I write down thoughts that I am too scared to contemplate in any other way. It has certainly seemed a better outlet for my emotions than drinking my self silly or crying myself to sleep. Here is hoping that my second anniversary blog will find my attitude, my health, my life much improved! Guess I better get busy working on that since it is only 525,600 minutes away…
Monday, February 22, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
My Funny Valentine(s)
“Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.” I John 4:7
This past Valentine’s weekend was one of much joy for me. Starting on Friday with a long walk in the snow with Martin then followed on Saturday and Sunday with an overnight trip to Tuscaloosa with both Martin and Joe, I could not have planned a better way to celebrate. The laugher and love we shared this weekend was an unbelievable lift to my soul. Sharing time with these two beautiful, funny men brought a ray of light into a dismal winter season. To be so loved, I find an amazing gift which I doubt I will ever deserve.
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach” those beautiful words written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning are in a book of sonnets given to me one day years ago by a Valentine. A lost Valentine once told me that all he wished for in life was to wake up next to me each day. Another Valentine of mine once compared our love to Mercer’s “Midnight Sun”. While yet another one told me that I held his heart in my hand to do with as I will. All very lofty and scary ideals to live up to…
I have had very few Valentines in my life. Perhaps it is the intense fear of being responsible for someone else’s heart that has kept me all my life from opening up my own heart. I have certainly given my heart on occasion, but to only a very few whom I have trusted completely to protect it. Still I wonder how any of those who have given me their heart would take that chance with me? Once my love is given it endures forever, yet still I seem to constantly hurt those I love. If only love were enough to make people happy.
In the Bible, John teaches us to ‘love one another’. That sentiment is often times impossible to follow. Still throughout my life I have found a few people to whom I freely gave my love. Those people, those friends, those Valentines…they are what makes my life worth living!
This past Valentine’s weekend was one of much joy for me. Starting on Friday with a long walk in the snow with Martin then followed on Saturday and Sunday with an overnight trip to Tuscaloosa with both Martin and Joe, I could not have planned a better way to celebrate. The laugher and love we shared this weekend was an unbelievable lift to my soul. Sharing time with these two beautiful, funny men brought a ray of light into a dismal winter season. To be so loved, I find an amazing gift which I doubt I will ever deserve.
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach” those beautiful words written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning are in a book of sonnets given to me one day years ago by a Valentine. A lost Valentine once told me that all he wished for in life was to wake up next to me each day. Another Valentine of mine once compared our love to Mercer’s “Midnight Sun”. While yet another one told me that I held his heart in my hand to do with as I will. All very lofty and scary ideals to live up to…
I have had very few Valentines in my life. Perhaps it is the intense fear of being responsible for someone else’s heart that has kept me all my life from opening up my own heart. I have certainly given my heart on occasion, but to only a very few whom I have trusted completely to protect it. Still I wonder how any of those who have given me their heart would take that chance with me? Once my love is given it endures forever, yet still I seem to constantly hurt those I love. If only love were enough to make people happy.
In the Bible, John teaches us to ‘love one another’. That sentiment is often times impossible to follow. Still throughout my life I have found a few people to whom I freely gave my love. Those people, those friends, those Valentines…they are what makes my life worth living!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Mon Meilleur Ami
“Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.” I Samuel 18:3
Just about a year ago, I made a new friend. While you might say what is the big deal…my answer would be that it had been a long time prior since I had last allowed someone to grab a piece of my heart. I had pretty much thoroughly shut myself off from new people and new experiences. I was scared to take the chance of being hurt or of hurting someone else. One night last February though I let down my guard for just a moment, and this guy wormed his way into my life.
I am not sure that either of us realized at the time what we were getting ourselves into, since we are both quite a handful. I imagine at the time neither of us would have even believed that we would still be close a year later. I certainly did not! I was completely taken off guard that someone I hardly knew could so quickly become one of my closest friends. Yet here we are a scant year later, and I cannot imagine life without him in it.
Our friendship has seen a year of highs and lows, ups and downs, mistakes and apologies, and has endured. Not sure if that has been easy for him, but for me it has been quite a challenge. There have been times when I wonder how I could survive without him in my life, and other times when I think how two such diverse people could hope to maintain a close relationship. Our hopes, desires and needs from a friendship seem at times to be so different that they are irreconcilable, yet anytime we start drifting apart we quickly rebound. Since the day our friendship first blossomed, his life has been in turmoil. Perhaps that is why he needed me… On that day, my life had become one of sheltered emotions. Perhaps that is why I needed him…
Jonathan and David are the greatest example of true friendship not only in the Bible, but in any literary work. While I have no idea where our friendship will be once another year passes, like the Bible pair I have made a covenant with him. No matter how far apart our lives take us there will never be a day he cannot call on me if needed.
Just about a year ago, I made a new friend. While you might say what is the big deal…my answer would be that it had been a long time prior since I had last allowed someone to grab a piece of my heart. I had pretty much thoroughly shut myself off from new people and new experiences. I was scared to take the chance of being hurt or of hurting someone else. One night last February though I let down my guard for just a moment, and this guy wormed his way into my life.
I am not sure that either of us realized at the time what we were getting ourselves into, since we are both quite a handful. I imagine at the time neither of us would have even believed that we would still be close a year later. I certainly did not! I was completely taken off guard that someone I hardly knew could so quickly become one of my closest friends. Yet here we are a scant year later, and I cannot imagine life without him in it.
Our friendship has seen a year of highs and lows, ups and downs, mistakes and apologies, and has endured. Not sure if that has been easy for him, but for me it has been quite a challenge. There have been times when I wonder how I could survive without him in my life, and other times when I think how two such diverse people could hope to maintain a close relationship. Our hopes, desires and needs from a friendship seem at times to be so different that they are irreconcilable, yet anytime we start drifting apart we quickly rebound. Since the day our friendship first blossomed, his life has been in turmoil. Perhaps that is why he needed me… On that day, my life had become one of sheltered emotions. Perhaps that is why I needed him…
Jonathan and David are the greatest example of true friendship not only in the Bible, but in any literary work. While I have no idea where our friendship will be once another year passes, like the Bible pair I have made a covenant with him. No matter how far apart our lives take us there will never be a day he cannot call on me if needed.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Winter Wonderland
“Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.” Ecclesiastes 7:3
Webster’s defines the word depression as ‘a state of feeling sad’. I hardly think that definition goes far enough. Sadness is a normal state of being that every human must deal with at different points in their life. I feel depression on the other hand is when you have such an overwhelming feeling of sadness that you think there is no way to ever dig out from under it. I feel that I have personally combated depression all my life, but it always intensifies each winter.
My mood begins to grow worse as soon as fall arrives the moment I start noticing the days are growing shorter and the nights are growing colder. By the time winter arrives I feel all happiness has gone from the world. I find it almost impossible to get up in the mornings, and all I want to do at night is have a drink and go to bed. While it would not solve all my problems with depression, I feel a good 5 month hibernation cycle would certainly help.
Unfortunately, I cannot just drink and sleep my cares away! Instead I have to force myself to face each day, and forge through. During the week my mind stays focused on work so much that I have little time to think about other issues, while on weekends I usually try to keep myself too busy to dwell on my problems. This past weekend though was a very uneventful one for me, and while my physical body was happy for the rest it was hard on my mental well-being. I had much too much time on my hands to dwell on my personal issues, and feel sorry for myself.
The last week was not a good one for me at all. I received some rather distressing news about my health which while not completely horrible was certainly a shock. Work and extracurricular activities keep Martin so busy that we hardly ever have time to talk. Joe was sick all week himself, and while I know he is fine still since his heart surgery I worry anytime he is ill for more than a couple of days. The few friendships that I count on seem to be more distant each day. My oldest friend I seem to ask too much of, and though he does not complain I know it is not fair of me. A new friendship that I have been trying to cultivate seems to be going nowhere. Neither of us really have the time to spend with each other which is needed in the early stages of a relationship. The friend I have been closest to over the last year is pulling away a little at a time. More than likely I have asked too much of him also.
Sometimes…most times I am just so scared and lonely. One of the prophets tells us that sorrow is better than happiness because it makes the heart stronger. If that is the case then mine must be beating with great strength. I am sure that I am taking that verse out of context though. I think maybe it is telling me instead that I need to start working on my own attitude. It is not the responsibility of those around me who touch my life to make me happy. I am sure happiness is out there I just need to have the strength of will to go find it. Hopefully now that the days are getting slightly longer as winter winds down laughter will once again find a way into my heart.
Webster’s defines the word depression as ‘a state of feeling sad’. I hardly think that definition goes far enough. Sadness is a normal state of being that every human must deal with at different points in their life. I feel depression on the other hand is when you have such an overwhelming feeling of sadness that you think there is no way to ever dig out from under it. I feel that I have personally combated depression all my life, but it always intensifies each winter.
My mood begins to grow worse as soon as fall arrives the moment I start noticing the days are growing shorter and the nights are growing colder. By the time winter arrives I feel all happiness has gone from the world. I find it almost impossible to get up in the mornings, and all I want to do at night is have a drink and go to bed. While it would not solve all my problems with depression, I feel a good 5 month hibernation cycle would certainly help.
Unfortunately, I cannot just drink and sleep my cares away! Instead I have to force myself to face each day, and forge through. During the week my mind stays focused on work so much that I have little time to think about other issues, while on weekends I usually try to keep myself too busy to dwell on my problems. This past weekend though was a very uneventful one for me, and while my physical body was happy for the rest it was hard on my mental well-being. I had much too much time on my hands to dwell on my personal issues, and feel sorry for myself.
The last week was not a good one for me at all. I received some rather distressing news about my health which while not completely horrible was certainly a shock. Work and extracurricular activities keep Martin so busy that we hardly ever have time to talk. Joe was sick all week himself, and while I know he is fine still since his heart surgery I worry anytime he is ill for more than a couple of days. The few friendships that I count on seem to be more distant each day. My oldest friend I seem to ask too much of, and though he does not complain I know it is not fair of me. A new friendship that I have been trying to cultivate seems to be going nowhere. Neither of us really have the time to spend with each other which is needed in the early stages of a relationship. The friend I have been closest to over the last year is pulling away a little at a time. More than likely I have asked too much of him also.
Sometimes…most times I am just so scared and lonely. One of the prophets tells us that sorrow is better than happiness because it makes the heart stronger. If that is the case then mine must be beating with great strength. I am sure that I am taking that verse out of context though. I think maybe it is telling me instead that I need to start working on my own attitude. It is not the responsibility of those around me who touch my life to make me happy. I am sure happiness is out there I just need to have the strength of will to go find it. Hopefully now that the days are getting slightly longer as winter winds down laughter will once again find a way into my heart.
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