“And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.” I Corinthians 13:13
How easily the words ‘I love you’ seem to flow out of a person’s mouth, but what do they actually mean. It is almost impossible to find a definitive meaning for the word ‘love’. People use it to define their feelings for a house, a pet, a family member, a friend, or a partner. In each of these examples the word means something completely different to the person saying it. The ancient Greeks used four different words to describe what we Americans call love. How much easier it might be to express ourselves if we also used four different words.
I grew up in a home where the word was rarely used. My sister and I certainly knew our parents loved us, but it was rarely said. Perhaps that has a lot to do with the fact that I have in my adult life always gone out of the way to say it to the people who mean the most to me. I have never said it to very many people, but to the ones I care about the most I probably say it much too often. I know at least that it seems to scare some of the people to whom I say it.
Someone I care a great deal for asked me recently if I was sure the love I felt for him was a ‘healthy’ love. The question really surprised me because I did not realize you could feel ‘unhealthy’ love. Here was a prime example to me of how much easier it would be to explain ourselves if we did not use one word to describe so many different emotions. I found myself left with the dilemma of whether I should continue telling him I love him even knowing it makes him uncomfortable, or should I keep my feelings for him locked inside my shell?
There are other people in my life who tell me they love me, yet they flit in and out of my life like a sparrow from limb to limb. Maybe I expect too much from friendship more than most people are capable of giving. I never expect more though than I am willing to give back. Perhaps rather than love, it is my definition of the meaning of friendship that is so radically different from other people.
Paul in his letter describes love as the greatest of the three for without love there would be no faith or hope. Love seems the easiest of the three to achieve, but the hardest to understand. With faith one must be able to take a blind leap, with hope one must be able to think positively, but love just appears from nowhere to take over one’s heart. I have never given love easily, but once I do it is overwhelming. Perhaps I need to find a happy medium…
Monday, May 25, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Lies...Tell Me Sweet Little Lies
“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32
When I was a kid two of my Dad’s favorite statements to make were, “There will be no liars there” and “Any intent to deceive is a lie.” He would of course say these to scare me into always telling him the truth. Well while the scare tactics never seemed to work on the young Jay, the older Jay has tried his best to be much more truthful. Being able to be completely honest with both yourself and everyone else would seem on the surface an easy thing to accomplish. I think most people are like me and find that not to be so.
When trying to be truthful with others, one has to first decide what exactly constitutes a lie. Is as my Dad tried to point out any relevant omission a lie? Is it fair to be truthful with someone if the facts would only serve to hurt the other person or to soothe your own conscience? Is it wrong for a gay person to remain in the closet to family or at work? Is it right for parents to tell their children there is an Easter Bunny? Of course that last one is silly, but following my Dad’s logic it would be considered a lie. Each person has to decide for themselves where to draw the line between truth and lie.
In my opinion being honest with yourself is an even harder prospect than with others. I imagine most people like to think of themselves as being a good person. I certainly feel sorry for those who do not. The question is, are we deluding ourselves with that thought? How do other people perceive us? Do we lie to people purposely out of spite or for our own personal gain? To really be honest with ourselves about whether we are a good person or not it is important to ask ourselves how we would feel if other people treated us the way we treat them.
When Jesus spoke of the truth setting us free, he was referring to the fact that he was the son of God sent to die for our sins. Does that statement though also hold in our everyday lives? Being completely honest will certainly set your mind free as it takes away the need to cover up your lies. For myself, I believe that I am fairly honest with myself in that I know I do not always treat others the way I should. I can certainly be catty, spiteful, and petty. Those are all issues that I need to work on. In being honest with others I know that I fall desperately short. Mainly that is because of fear. I am completely scared of how total honesty would affect the relationships in my life. So like the younger Jay, the old one still finds himself being less than truthful at times. Unlike the child though, the man is striving to be better…
When I was a kid two of my Dad’s favorite statements to make were, “There will be no liars there” and “Any intent to deceive is a lie.” He would of course say these to scare me into always telling him the truth. Well while the scare tactics never seemed to work on the young Jay, the older Jay has tried his best to be much more truthful. Being able to be completely honest with both yourself and everyone else would seem on the surface an easy thing to accomplish. I think most people are like me and find that not to be so.
When trying to be truthful with others, one has to first decide what exactly constitutes a lie. Is as my Dad tried to point out any relevant omission a lie? Is it fair to be truthful with someone if the facts would only serve to hurt the other person or to soothe your own conscience? Is it wrong for a gay person to remain in the closet to family or at work? Is it right for parents to tell their children there is an Easter Bunny? Of course that last one is silly, but following my Dad’s logic it would be considered a lie. Each person has to decide for themselves where to draw the line between truth and lie.
In my opinion being honest with yourself is an even harder prospect than with others. I imagine most people like to think of themselves as being a good person. I certainly feel sorry for those who do not. The question is, are we deluding ourselves with that thought? How do other people perceive us? Do we lie to people purposely out of spite or for our own personal gain? To really be honest with ourselves about whether we are a good person or not it is important to ask ourselves how we would feel if other people treated us the way we treat them.
When Jesus spoke of the truth setting us free, he was referring to the fact that he was the son of God sent to die for our sins. Does that statement though also hold in our everyday lives? Being completely honest will certainly set your mind free as it takes away the need to cover up your lies. For myself, I believe that I am fairly honest with myself in that I know I do not always treat others the way I should. I can certainly be catty, spiteful, and petty. Those are all issues that I need to work on. In being honest with others I know that I fall desperately short. Mainly that is because of fear. I am completely scared of how total honesty would affect the relationships in my life. So like the younger Jay, the old one still finds himself being less than truthful at times. Unlike the child though, the man is striving to be better…
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Mama Mia
“Honour thy father and thy mother:” Matthew 19:19
It is so hard to believe how fast this year is going by. We have already made it to Mother’s Day weekend. I asked my Mom if she wanted to go out for lunch on Sunday, but I think she wants me to come to her house instead. So I guess I will be making the trek out to her house. I will be the dutiful son and spend the afternoon with her and my sister listening to her complain that I have not gotten married and had grandchildren for her. Mom, wake up, I have lived with another single forty-something year old man for the last 21 years. Hello! Some people only allow themselves to believe what they want to believe.
Growing up with my Mom it is a wonder that I am in the least bit normal. Of course, I can hear my friends laughing at the thought of me being normal. I imagine the first 9 years of my life were sort of “Leave It To Beaver” like, but that all came to an abrupt end right before my tenth birthday. That was when my Mom who had always been abnormally close to her parents lost them at the same time in a car wreck. She went into a deep depression that lasted at least until I was in college. She would lock herself in her darkened room, take sleeping pills, and sleep most of the day and night. She would emerge on Sundays get dressed and attend church like nothing was wrong though. With her in that mood and my father working shift work, my sister and I were pretty much left to our own devices. My sister usually just stayed in her room studying when she was not at school. I would stay out of the house as much as possible. I would either roam the streets with groups of kids or stay at my best friend’s house and make believe he was my brother.
Now my Mom is 80, and acts as if she does not remember anything about our childhoods being odd. She truly thinks she was the perfect example of motherhood, and that the issues my sister and I now have to deal with are of our own making. My sister divorced in 1980, and has been alone for the last 29 years because my Mom drilled into her head the sin of divorce and remarriage. If I had allowed her beliefs to rule my life, I would have married and had children. Would she truly have been happier with 2 divorced, lonely children rather than having a son who has been in a loving gay relationship for over 22 years? The scary answer to that question is that yes she would.
Jesus instructed us to honour our Mother. That does not necessarily mean to obey, respect or even love. I do love my Mother and appreciate her having given me life. I do not respect her, nor her beliefs; and I definitely feel no compunction to obey her misguided rules. Do I follow Jesus commandment and honor her. Yes, I feel I do every single day by allowing her to live with her delusions.
It is so hard to believe how fast this year is going by. We have already made it to Mother’s Day weekend. I asked my Mom if she wanted to go out for lunch on Sunday, but I think she wants me to come to her house instead. So I guess I will be making the trek out to her house. I will be the dutiful son and spend the afternoon with her and my sister listening to her complain that I have not gotten married and had grandchildren for her. Mom, wake up, I have lived with another single forty-something year old man for the last 21 years. Hello! Some people only allow themselves to believe what they want to believe.
Growing up with my Mom it is a wonder that I am in the least bit normal. Of course, I can hear my friends laughing at the thought of me being normal. I imagine the first 9 years of my life were sort of “Leave It To Beaver” like, but that all came to an abrupt end right before my tenth birthday. That was when my Mom who had always been abnormally close to her parents lost them at the same time in a car wreck. She went into a deep depression that lasted at least until I was in college. She would lock herself in her darkened room, take sleeping pills, and sleep most of the day and night. She would emerge on Sundays get dressed and attend church like nothing was wrong though. With her in that mood and my father working shift work, my sister and I were pretty much left to our own devices. My sister usually just stayed in her room studying when she was not at school. I would stay out of the house as much as possible. I would either roam the streets with groups of kids or stay at my best friend’s house and make believe he was my brother.
Now my Mom is 80, and acts as if she does not remember anything about our childhoods being odd. She truly thinks she was the perfect example of motherhood, and that the issues my sister and I now have to deal with are of our own making. My sister divorced in 1980, and has been alone for the last 29 years because my Mom drilled into her head the sin of divorce and remarriage. If I had allowed her beliefs to rule my life, I would have married and had children. Would she truly have been happier with 2 divorced, lonely children rather than having a son who has been in a loving gay relationship for over 22 years? The scary answer to that question is that yes she would.
Jesus instructed us to honour our Mother. That does not necessarily mean to obey, respect or even love. I do love my Mother and appreciate her having given me life. I do not respect her, nor her beliefs; and I definitely feel no compunction to obey her misguided rules. Do I follow Jesus commandment and honor her. Yes, I feel I do every single day by allowing her to live with her delusions.
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