“The eye also of the adulterer waiteth for the twilight, saying, No eye shall see me: and disguiseth his face.” Job 24:15
I probably should preface this with an apology to a special friend of mine for having stolen the topic for this blog from him. Recently he wrote a really outstanding blog about the masks that we each wear which inspired me to write about my own masks. Hopefully he will forgive my creative license.
Having been born a gay man in a highly religious household, I learned to wear masks very early in my life. That was not the only mask I wore as a child though. I was perceived as the perfect child…quiet, good grades, did not smoke, did not drink, did not have sex, did not do drugs, did not cuss…hell that sounds boring!. It would have been boring too except that was not me. Yes, I did make good grades, but not because I studied simply because book learning came easy to me. All the rest I most definitely did, but my family only saw the mask of perfection I allowed them to see.
As I moved into adulthood, I began to compartmentalize my life into small groups of family, work, and 2 or 3 different friend groups. Each of these groups knew Jay, but they each knew a completely different Jay none of whom was the true man behind the masks. At first I lived in fear of two of the groups crossing paths, but later became adept at showing two-faces at the same time when these unavoidable occurrences happened.
Now at 47 years of age I have so many masks in my repertoire that I even have a hard time remembering what the true face of Jay looks like. At work I am thought of by my colleagues as a hard-worker, always on time, never complaining, who likes all his fellow employees. Ask any of my co-workers and they would say that Jay is a happy guy who likes and gets along with everyone.
To my birth family, I am still that ideal of perfection. Sure my Mom would say it would be nice if he would settle down and have me some grandchildren, but there is still time. I could not ask for a more loving son. My sister would tell you that I am the rock she leans on at all times - the foundation that holds our family together.
In my partnerships, I miraculously seem to be whatever each has needed. To Lee, I was the perfect pal: the one who loved to work in the yard with him, to collect beautiful things, and to curl up on the couch and listen to his latest favorite music for hours on end. To Martin, I was his ideal: the one to go on exotic trips with, to watch movies or cuddle by a fire, and the one who would never think of straying. To Joe, I was his soul mate: the one who was different than all the rest, the one who brought excitement without fear, and the one who was just a little dirty around the edges.
My friends each see a different face molded to what I think they need or expect. This disguise can change on a moments notice if I ever perceive the need. I constantly find myself reacting to words, actions, or my perception of what their thoughts are and trying to make myself be what I think they want in a friend. Perhaps the reason I have so few close friends is because it must be hard to get to know someone who seems to change on a daily basis.
So why do I feel the need for so many disguises? Why continue to hide the true Jay behind the masks I feel people have come to expect? Fear! Fear of losing everyone, and being left alone in the darkness of my mind. Fear at work I would either be fired or it would become even more unbearable. Fear my birth family would want nothing to do with a gay son. Fear my partners would set me adrift never to know their love again. Fear my friends would slowly disappear out of my life as so many before them have done. Fear that I would not recognize the man behind the mask! So much like the adulterer who waits for twilight…I stay hidden behind my disguise.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Martini Madness
“The Son of man is come eating and drinking; and ye say, Behold a gluttonous man, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners!” Luke 7:34
Growing up in my parent’s house there was absolutely no alcohol allowed. We were taught from an early age that any drinking was a sin. Of course, that did not stop me from drinking starting at the age of 15. It just made it a little more difficult to hide. Even though we had both been drinking for years, I think I was about 20 and my sister 25 before we admitted to each other that we drank. Even though I started drinking fairly early in life, I never drank a lot. I was truly the definition of a ‘social’ drinker.
Recently though, I have started worrying about whether I might be drinking too much. In 2008 and the 10 years prior, I probably went to a bar on the average of 4 times a year. In 2009, I upped that to more like 4 times a month. Now here we are early in 2010, and just this week alone I have already gone out drinking 4 times. The problem is that I realize I am not doing it because I like the taste, but more to dull the pain and sadness that I feel. While I use to come home from work and either work in the yard or ride my exercise bike, now instead I head straight for the liquor cabinet.
Life at work seems to get more unbearable every day. I work my ass off in a job that I am so under-qualified for just trying to keep my head above water. I sit and watch new employees who hardly ever work get promotions and large raises, while the 26 year veteran is told you are a great asset and we are doing all we can for you.
Life at home while certainly not full of the stress that I feel at work is still full of sadness. Martin does not understand why I spend so much time crying always worrying that he has done something wrong. Joe I think is just happy he has his own home to escape to at times. So many of my friends seem to have pulled away into their own worlds, while the few that I count on the most I expect too much of and burn them out.
Verses in both Matthew and Luke assure me that drinking is not a sin, since Jesus himself drank on occasion. What I think is wrong is over-indulgence in anything. Is that what I am doing is the question I must ask myself? While I do not truthfully think the amount of alcohol I am consuming is an indulgence, I believe my problem comes in the reason for my drinking. Without it though I cannot imagine how much more I would find myself crying. Would you not think that an over-indulgence of sadness is wrong as well? I have actually had a couple of happy days already this year, but neither of them was totally liquor-free. I wonder if it is even possible for me to have even a semblance of happiness without drinking some. I wonder if I will ever have the strength and courage to find out…
Growing up in my parent’s house there was absolutely no alcohol allowed. We were taught from an early age that any drinking was a sin. Of course, that did not stop me from drinking starting at the age of 15. It just made it a little more difficult to hide. Even though we had both been drinking for years, I think I was about 20 and my sister 25 before we admitted to each other that we drank. Even though I started drinking fairly early in life, I never drank a lot. I was truly the definition of a ‘social’ drinker.
Recently though, I have started worrying about whether I might be drinking too much. In 2008 and the 10 years prior, I probably went to a bar on the average of 4 times a year. In 2009, I upped that to more like 4 times a month. Now here we are early in 2010, and just this week alone I have already gone out drinking 4 times. The problem is that I realize I am not doing it because I like the taste, but more to dull the pain and sadness that I feel. While I use to come home from work and either work in the yard or ride my exercise bike, now instead I head straight for the liquor cabinet.
Life at work seems to get more unbearable every day. I work my ass off in a job that I am so under-qualified for just trying to keep my head above water. I sit and watch new employees who hardly ever work get promotions and large raises, while the 26 year veteran is told you are a great asset and we are doing all we can for you.
Life at home while certainly not full of the stress that I feel at work is still full of sadness. Martin does not understand why I spend so much time crying always worrying that he has done something wrong. Joe I think is just happy he has his own home to escape to at times. So many of my friends seem to have pulled away into their own worlds, while the few that I count on the most I expect too much of and burn them out.
Verses in both Matthew and Luke assure me that drinking is not a sin, since Jesus himself drank on occasion. What I think is wrong is over-indulgence in anything. Is that what I am doing is the question I must ask myself? While I do not truthfully think the amount of alcohol I am consuming is an indulgence, I believe my problem comes in the reason for my drinking. Without it though I cannot imagine how much more I would find myself crying. Would you not think that an over-indulgence of sadness is wrong as well? I have actually had a couple of happy days already this year, but neither of them was totally liquor-free. I wonder if it is even possible for me to have even a semblance of happiness without drinking some. I wonder if I will ever have the strength and courage to find out…
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Auld Lang Syne
“Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil.” Jeremiah 13:23
I remember when I was about 14 years old thinking the year 1980 would never arrive. I thought finally graduating from high school would be the best. Now it is 2010, and I am thinking there is no way it has been 30 years since I graduated. Where did all those years go?
At the beginning of last year, Martin had recently started branching out and enlarging his friendship base. Because of my innate shyness and my poor self-image, I have always found it difficult to cultivate new friendships. I decided though to at least open myself up to the possibility that there were new people out there who would welcome my friendship. The results of this decision made 2009 both one of the happiest and saddest of my life. I have met so many new people over the past year some of whom have become extremely meaningful to my life. These new friends have brought into my life joy and thrills beyond belief, but also disappointment and sorrow. Maybe I had just become so accustomed to my existing friends that I did not notice the ups and downs as much as I seem to with these new relationships. Whatever though I found my heart to be stuck on a rollercoaster ride.
For someone like myself who has always been a little manic-depressive the year 2009 became quite a challenge. I have all my life found it hard to find a calm balance between laughter and tears. So in a year where my job situation continued to go downhill, opening up my heart really kept me off kilter. While my new friends had brought with them so many new, fun, and exciting experiences still I could not count how many nights I ended up crying myself to sleep. As the year drew to a close, I began to think that perhaps one of my 2010 resolutions should be to withdraw back into my shell. I thought maybe it would be best to not allow myself to be open to such fluctuations in emotions.
Each year I find myself making a few resolutions only to break most of them by the end of January. Like the leopard, I find it almost impossible to change my spots. My behavior is so engrained into my personality that I have no idea how to change. I am much too weak to stop drinking, much too lazy to do the extra work around the house I keep putting off, much too scared to walk out on a job I have had for 26 years, and love much too much to give up on friendships that have encompassed my heart. I quickly realized over just the first weekend of this year there was no way I could close myself away again. I decided to forget all the silly resolutions I make and break each year. I decided to forget the impossible resolution to try and distance myself from my heart. Instead I decided to make just one resolution to simply try and have ten truly happy days during 2010. Perhaps that does not sound like a lofty goal, but for me it is a start…
I remember when I was about 14 years old thinking the year 1980 would never arrive. I thought finally graduating from high school would be the best. Now it is 2010, and I am thinking there is no way it has been 30 years since I graduated. Where did all those years go?
At the beginning of last year, Martin had recently started branching out and enlarging his friendship base. Because of my innate shyness and my poor self-image, I have always found it difficult to cultivate new friendships. I decided though to at least open myself up to the possibility that there were new people out there who would welcome my friendship. The results of this decision made 2009 both one of the happiest and saddest of my life. I have met so many new people over the past year some of whom have become extremely meaningful to my life. These new friends have brought into my life joy and thrills beyond belief, but also disappointment and sorrow. Maybe I had just become so accustomed to my existing friends that I did not notice the ups and downs as much as I seem to with these new relationships. Whatever though I found my heart to be stuck on a rollercoaster ride.
For someone like myself who has always been a little manic-depressive the year 2009 became quite a challenge. I have all my life found it hard to find a calm balance between laughter and tears. So in a year where my job situation continued to go downhill, opening up my heart really kept me off kilter. While my new friends had brought with them so many new, fun, and exciting experiences still I could not count how many nights I ended up crying myself to sleep. As the year drew to a close, I began to think that perhaps one of my 2010 resolutions should be to withdraw back into my shell. I thought maybe it would be best to not allow myself to be open to such fluctuations in emotions.
Each year I find myself making a few resolutions only to break most of them by the end of January. Like the leopard, I find it almost impossible to change my spots. My behavior is so engrained into my personality that I have no idea how to change. I am much too weak to stop drinking, much too lazy to do the extra work around the house I keep putting off, much too scared to walk out on a job I have had for 26 years, and love much too much to give up on friendships that have encompassed my heart. I quickly realized over just the first weekend of this year there was no way I could close myself away again. I decided to forget all the silly resolutions I make and break each year. I decided to forget the impossible resolution to try and distance myself from my heart. Instead I decided to make just one resolution to simply try and have ten truly happy days during 2010. Perhaps that does not sound like a lofty goal, but for me it is a start…
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