Martini Madness

“The Son of man is come eating and drinking; and ye say, Behold a gluttonous man, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners!” Luke 7:34

Growing up in my parent’s house there was absolutely no alcohol allowed. We were taught from an early age that any drinking was a sin. Of course, that did not stop me from drinking starting at the age of 15. It just made it a little more difficult to hide. Even though we had both been drinking for years, I think I was about 20 and my sister 25 before we admitted to each other that we drank. Even though I started drinking fairly early in life, I never drank a lot. I was truly the definition of a ‘social’ drinker.

Recently though, I have started worrying about whether I might be drinking too much. In 2008 and the 10 years prior, I probably went to a bar on the average of 4 times a year. In 2009, I upped that to more like 4 times a month. Now here we are early in 2010, and just this week alone I have already gone out drinking 4 times. The problem is that I realize I am not doing it because I like the taste, but more to dull the pain and sadness that I feel. While I use to come home from work and either work in the yard or ride my exercise bike, now instead I head straight for the liquor cabinet.

Life at work seems to get more unbearable every day. I work my ass off in a job that I am so under-qualified for just trying to keep my head above water. I sit and watch new employees who hardly ever work get promotions and large raises, while the 26 year veteran is told you are a great asset and we are doing all we can for you.

Life at home while certainly not full of the stress that I feel at work is still full of sadness. Martin does not understand why I spend so much time crying always worrying that he has done something wrong. Joe I think is just happy he has his own home to escape to at times. So many of my friends seem to have pulled away into their own worlds, while the few that I count on the most I expect too much of and burn them out.

Verses in both Matthew and Luke assure me that drinking is not a sin, since Jesus himself drank on occasion. What I think is wrong is over-indulgence in anything. Is that what I am doing is the question I must ask myself? While I do not truthfully think the amount of alcohol I am consuming is an indulgence, I believe my problem comes in the reason for my drinking. Without it though I cannot imagine how much more I would find myself crying. Would you not think that an over-indulgence of sadness is wrong as well? I have actually had a couple of happy days already this year, but neither of them was totally liquor-free. I wonder if it is even possible for me to have even a semblance of happiness without drinking some. I wonder if I will ever have the strength and courage to find out…