This Masquerade

“The eye also of the adulterer waiteth for the twilight, saying, No eye shall see me: and disguiseth his face.” Job 24:15

I probably should preface this with an apology to a special friend of mine for having stolen the topic for this blog from him. Recently he wrote a really outstanding blog about the masks that we each wear which inspired me to write about my own masks. Hopefully he will forgive my creative license.

Having been born a gay man in a highly religious household, I learned to wear masks very early in my life. That was not the only mask I wore as a child though. I was perceived as the perfect child…quiet, good grades, did not smoke, did not drink, did not have sex, did not do drugs, did not cuss…hell that sounds boring!. It would have been boring too except that was not me. Yes, I did make good grades, but not because I studied simply because book learning came easy to me. All the rest I most definitely did, but my family only saw the mask of perfection I allowed them to see.

As I moved into adulthood, I began to compartmentalize my life into small groups of family, work, and 2 or 3 different friend groups. Each of these groups knew Jay, but they each knew a completely different Jay none of whom was the true man behind the masks. At first I lived in fear of two of the groups crossing paths, but later became adept at showing two-faces at the same time when these unavoidable occurrences happened.

Now at 47 years of age I have so many masks in my repertoire that I even have a hard time remembering what the true face of Jay looks like. At work I am thought of by my colleagues as a hard-worker, always on time, never complaining, who likes all his fellow employees. Ask any of my co-workers and they would say that Jay is a happy guy who likes and gets along with everyone.

To my birth family, I am still that ideal of perfection. Sure my Mom would say it would be nice if he would settle down and have me some grandchildren, but there is still time. I could not ask for a more loving son. My sister would tell you that I am the rock she leans on at all times - the foundation that holds our family together.

In my partnerships, I miraculously seem to be whatever each has needed. To Lee, I was the perfect pal: the one who loved to work in the yard with him, to collect beautiful things, and to curl up on the couch and listen to his latest favorite music for hours on end. To Martin, I was his ideal: the one to go on exotic trips with, to watch movies or cuddle by a fire, and the one who would never think of straying. To Joe, I was his soul mate: the one who was different than all the rest, the one who brought excitement without fear, and the one who was just a little dirty around the edges.

My friends each see a different face molded to what I think they need or expect. This disguise can change on a moments notice if I ever perceive the need. I constantly find myself reacting to words, actions, or my perception of what their thoughts are and trying to make myself be what I think they want in a friend. Perhaps the reason I have so few close friends is because it must be hard to get to know someone who seems to change on a daily basis.

So why do I feel the need for so many disguises? Why continue to hide the true Jay behind the masks I feel people have come to expect? Fear! Fear of losing everyone, and being left alone in the darkness of my mind. Fear at work I would either be fired or it would become even more unbearable. Fear my birth family would want nothing to do with a gay son. Fear my partners would set me adrift never to know their love again. Fear my friends would slowly disappear out of my life as so many before them have done. Fear that I would not recognize the man behind the mask! So much like the adulterer who waits for twilight…I stay hidden behind my disguise.