The Long and Winding Road

“And Ananias went his way and entered the house; and laying his hands on him he said, "Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you came, has sent me that you may receive your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit." Acts 9:17

How impossible it seems to me that it has been over six months since I have written a blog. Everyday I have flashes of thoughts that I wish to write down, but never seem to take the time to do so. In June, my company finally did what they had been threatening to do for 5 years. They moved our place of business out of Birmingham to Pelham, so my daily commute went from 2 miles a day to 32 miles. Suffice it to say that move has not been good for either my nerves or my free time. I know I scare both co-workers and friends alike when I say things like it is good that I do not carry a gun in my glove compartment, but that is a truthful statement. I finally realize the true definition of ‘road rage’.

The last six months has been a time of extreme highs and dismal lows for me. Martin, Joe, and I went on a truly fantastic week long trip to San Francisco in June which became not only a highlight of this year, but of my life. In September, Martin and I went with 3 of our friends for our yearly trip to the beach which turned out to be one of the best ever. Perhaps the best news is that 2 new friends have entered my life which both show a lot of promise, and I have continued to get much closer to an old acquaintance. So, on the bright side at the beginning of the year I had hoped for 10 really happy days this year, and I feel I have already more than surpassed that total.

Of course, with me the good always comes with more than its share of bad. My health both physically and mentally has certainly deteriorated since my last blog. For the last 8 years I have been fighting back pain from a degenerative disc, but over the last 6 weeks it has gotten almost unbearable. The pain has become constant and has started affecting my leg and my walking. This week I have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon who hopefully can provide me with some relief without surgery. At work I am just miserable. In this new building we are packed on each other like sardines. I can truly hear every conversation my 12 nearest neighbors have, and for someone who already has concentration issues and who is as slow at their job as me any distraction is not good. At home while I really have nothing to complain about, I seem to never be happy. I was left home alone for most of this last weekend, and in the past that would have been a wonderful thing for me. I normally would have gone out partying with friends, watched all my favorite movies, played for hours on the internet, and ate and drank to my heart’s content. This weekend though I was barely able to force myself to go get a bite to eat. I spent the majority of both days laying on the bed in my boxers crying and feeling sorry for myself.

Like the apostle Paul, I so hope everyday to receive some insight as I travel along the long, winding road of life that will bring about a much needed change in my life. Perhaps I need God to lift the scales from my eyes so I can see how truly well I have it. All I know for sure though is that one day soon I am going to have to find a new map, because on the one I was given all roads seem to lead to a dead-end…

Gimme Fever

“And Jesus answering said unto them, They that are whole need not a physician: but they that are sick. “ Luke 5:31

All my life when I would have a bad cold a couple of times a year, I assumed it was the flu. Now though after being stuck in my house for five days not wanting to even move, I know what the real flu feels like. It kicks your butt! It has been a month since I have written in my blog because I just have not had time. Work has become so much more stressful that after exercise and dinner all I want to do is go to bed. There simply is no time for writing. Being sick has certainly given me time to write, but I cannot imagine what work will be like next week when I go back. I will probably be fired for being out so long.

One thing about being sick and out-of-pocket for a lengthy time is that you quickly learn who you mean the most to and who are just mainly ‘sunny day’ friends. Of course, at first everyone you know seems concerned and checks in on you, but as the time progresses most of them fall quickly by the wayside. A few though stand by you no matter how long it takes or how bad things get. Those are the friends who truly love and care for you.

Martin and Joe have of course been taking great care of me. Sometimes their need to nurse becomes overbearing, but I love them for it. Three other friends have really stepped up to check on me numerous times each day. One of these guys has been my friend for over twenty years, and while at times our relationship has fluctuated I know no one could care more about my well-being than him. The other two have surprised me a little more because while I have known both of them for ten years or so it is only in the last few months that we have become really close friends. Seeing how much they worry about me has really bolstered my spirits this week. I am so lucky and thankful to have friends like these three in my life.

I think at times like this what I find most surprising are the people who do not step up. Everyone has different circles of friends. An outer circle of acquaintances that you never really expect much from, and an inner circle who you would do anything for and expect the same in return. My inner circle is a very small one simply because I have a hard time making close friends. I am just not very open and trusting. Those that I do allow into that circle though I am always there available for them, and am truly surprised and hurt when I feel our friendship is not the two-way street that I hoped it to be.

Jesus’ comment in Luke was about those needing to be saved as opposed to those whom were already saved. I feel it can be interpreted more broadly in that you should not just be a friend to someone when their life is going well, but should also be there for them during the down-trodden times. That is what I have always tried to do, and pray I will never let any of my friends down because I know how it feels.

Five Hundred Twenty-five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

"Ye observe days, and months, and times, and years.” Galatians 4:10

I find it almost impossible to believe that it has been an entire year since I wrote my first blog. I originally got the courage to start writing at the urging of a special friend who thought it might help me find peace with my thoughts. Truthfully I cannot say whether or not it has been a success.

How should a person measure a year in their life? This year has been much like any other in my life full of ups and downs. I forced myself to come out of my self-imposed exile by allowing many new people into my life. I joined a gay hiking group which has certainly served to bring me out of my shell a good bit, but still have not found the courage to attend any events unless Martin was going also. I made three very dear new friends and strengthened two old friendships, but most of these seem to be waning. While life at home continues to be happy, life at work only gets worse especially with our move to the new building rapidly approaching. Other than my depression, my health seems to be very good though I am fearful of what the eye doctor will find when I return to him in May. So no matter how far it seems I progress, still I keep sliding backward.

So what should I do in the year to come? Should I continue to forge ahead enjoying my new openness which has brought a lot of happiness with it, but also leaves me vulnerable to so much pain? Or should I sink back into that dismal little corner where I feel so secure, but so unhappy?

Paul is correct we humans do seem to feel the need to observe anniversaries. Well this my first anniversary blog is my 27th overall. I am not sure if during the next year I will write more or less, but I do plan to continue to write as the spirit moves me. No, I am not sure if it has brought any contentment to my soul, but it has given me a feeling of release each time I write down thoughts that I am too scared to contemplate in any other way. It has certainly seemed a better outlet for my emotions than drinking my self silly or crying myself to sleep. Here is hoping that my second anniversary blog will find my attitude, my health, my life much improved! Guess I better get busy working on that since it is only 525,600 minutes away…

My Funny Valentine(s)

“Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.” I John 4:7

This past Valentine’s weekend was one of much joy for me. Starting on Friday with a long walk in the snow with Martin then followed on Saturday and Sunday with an overnight trip to Tuscaloosa with both Martin and Joe, I could not have planned a better way to celebrate. The laugher and love we shared this weekend was an unbelievable lift to my soul. Sharing time with these two beautiful, funny men brought a ray of light into a dismal winter season. To be so loved, I find an amazing gift which I doubt I will ever deserve.

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach” those beautiful words written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning are in a book of sonnets given to me one day years ago by a Valentine. A lost Valentine once told me that all he wished for in life was to wake up next to me each day. Another Valentine of mine once compared our love to Mercer’s “Midnight Sun”. While yet another one told me that I held his heart in my hand to do with as I will. All very lofty and scary ideals to live up to…

I have had very few Valentines in my life. Perhaps it is the intense fear of being responsible for someone else’s heart that has kept me all my life from opening up my own heart. I have certainly given my heart on occasion, but to only a very few whom I have trusted completely to protect it. Still I wonder how any of those who have given me their heart would take that chance with me? Once my love is given it endures forever, yet still I seem to constantly hurt those I love. If only love were enough to make people happy.

In the Bible, John teaches us to ‘love one another’. That sentiment is often times impossible to follow. Still throughout my life I have found a few people to whom I freely gave my love. Those people, those friends, those Valentines…they are what makes my life worth living!

Mon Meilleur Ami

“Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.” I Samuel 18:3

Just about a year ago, I made a new friend. While you might say what is the big deal…my answer would be that it had been a long time prior since I had last allowed someone to grab a piece of my heart. I had pretty much thoroughly shut myself off from new people and new experiences. I was scared to take the chance of being hurt or of hurting someone else. One night last February though I let down my guard for just a moment, and this guy wormed his way into my life.

I am not sure that either of us realized at the time what we were getting ourselves into, since we are both quite a handful. I imagine at the time neither of us would have even believed that we would still be close a year later. I certainly did not! I was completely taken off guard that someone I hardly knew could so quickly become one of my closest friends. Yet here we are a scant year later, and I cannot imagine life without him in it.

Our friendship has seen a year of highs and lows, ups and downs, mistakes and apologies, and has endured. Not sure if that has been easy for him, but for me it has been quite a challenge. There have been times when I wonder how I could survive without him in my life, and other times when I think how two such diverse people could hope to maintain a close relationship. Our hopes, desires and needs from a friendship seem at times to be so different that they are irreconcilable, yet anytime we start drifting apart we quickly rebound. Since the day our friendship first blossomed, his life has been in turmoil. Perhaps that is why he needed me… On that day, my life had become one of sheltered emotions. Perhaps that is why I needed him…

Jonathan and David are the greatest example of true friendship not only in the Bible, but in any literary work. While I have no idea where our friendship will be once another year passes, like the Bible pair I have made a covenant with him. No matter how far apart our lives take us there will never be a day he cannot call on me if needed.

Winter Wonderland

“Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.” Ecclesiastes 7:3

Webster’s defines the word depression as ‘a state of feeling sad’. I hardly think that definition goes far enough. Sadness is a normal state of being that every human must deal with at different points in their life. I feel depression on the other hand is when you have such an overwhelming feeling of sadness that you think there is no way to ever dig out from under it. I feel that I have personally combated depression all my life, but it always intensifies each winter.

My mood begins to grow worse as soon as fall arrives the moment I start noticing the days are growing shorter and the nights are growing colder. By the time winter arrives I feel all happiness has gone from the world. I find it almost impossible to get up in the mornings, and all I want to do at night is have a drink and go to bed. While it would not solve all my problems with depression, I feel a good 5 month hibernation cycle would certainly help.

Unfortunately, I cannot just drink and sleep my cares away! Instead I have to force myself to face each day, and forge through. During the week my mind stays focused on work so much that I have little time to think about other issues, while on weekends I usually try to keep myself too busy to dwell on my problems. This past weekend though was a very uneventful one for me, and while my physical body was happy for the rest it was hard on my mental well-being. I had much too much time on my hands to dwell on my personal issues, and feel sorry for myself.

The last week was not a good one for me at all. I received some rather distressing news about my health which while not completely horrible was certainly a shock. Work and extracurricular activities keep Martin so busy that we hardly ever have time to talk. Joe was sick all week himself, and while I know he is fine still since his heart surgery I worry anytime he is ill for more than a couple of days. The few friendships that I count on seem to be more distant each day. My oldest friend I seem to ask too much of, and though he does not complain I know it is not fair of me. A new friendship that I have been trying to cultivate seems to be going nowhere. Neither of us really have the time to spend with each other which is needed in the early stages of a relationship. The friend I have been closest to over the last year is pulling away a little at a time. More than likely I have asked too much of him also.

Sometimes…most times I am just so scared and lonely. One of the prophets tells us that sorrow is better than happiness because it makes the heart stronger. If that is the case then mine must be beating with great strength. I am sure that I am taking that verse out of context though. I think maybe it is telling me instead that I need to start working on my own attitude. It is not the responsibility of those around me who touch my life to make me happy. I am sure happiness is out there I just need to have the strength of will to go find it. Hopefully now that the days are getting slightly longer as winter winds down laughter will once again find a way into my heart.

This Masquerade

“The eye also of the adulterer waiteth for the twilight, saying, No eye shall see me: and disguiseth his face.” Job 24:15

I probably should preface this with an apology to a special friend of mine for having stolen the topic for this blog from him. Recently he wrote a really outstanding blog about the masks that we each wear which inspired me to write about my own masks. Hopefully he will forgive my creative license.

Having been born a gay man in a highly religious household, I learned to wear masks very early in my life. That was not the only mask I wore as a child though. I was perceived as the perfect child…quiet, good grades, did not smoke, did not drink, did not have sex, did not do drugs, did not cuss…hell that sounds boring!. It would have been boring too except that was not me. Yes, I did make good grades, but not because I studied simply because book learning came easy to me. All the rest I most definitely did, but my family only saw the mask of perfection I allowed them to see.

As I moved into adulthood, I began to compartmentalize my life into small groups of family, work, and 2 or 3 different friend groups. Each of these groups knew Jay, but they each knew a completely different Jay none of whom was the true man behind the masks. At first I lived in fear of two of the groups crossing paths, but later became adept at showing two-faces at the same time when these unavoidable occurrences happened.

Now at 47 years of age I have so many masks in my repertoire that I even have a hard time remembering what the true face of Jay looks like. At work I am thought of by my colleagues as a hard-worker, always on time, never complaining, who likes all his fellow employees. Ask any of my co-workers and they would say that Jay is a happy guy who likes and gets along with everyone.

To my birth family, I am still that ideal of perfection. Sure my Mom would say it would be nice if he would settle down and have me some grandchildren, but there is still time. I could not ask for a more loving son. My sister would tell you that I am the rock she leans on at all times - the foundation that holds our family together.

In my partnerships, I miraculously seem to be whatever each has needed. To Lee, I was the perfect pal: the one who loved to work in the yard with him, to collect beautiful things, and to curl up on the couch and listen to his latest favorite music for hours on end. To Martin, I was his ideal: the one to go on exotic trips with, to watch movies or cuddle by a fire, and the one who would never think of straying. To Joe, I was his soul mate: the one who was different than all the rest, the one who brought excitement without fear, and the one who was just a little dirty around the edges.

My friends each see a different face molded to what I think they need or expect. This disguise can change on a moments notice if I ever perceive the need. I constantly find myself reacting to words, actions, or my perception of what their thoughts are and trying to make myself be what I think they want in a friend. Perhaps the reason I have so few close friends is because it must be hard to get to know someone who seems to change on a daily basis.

So why do I feel the need for so many disguises? Why continue to hide the true Jay behind the masks I feel people have come to expect? Fear! Fear of losing everyone, and being left alone in the darkness of my mind. Fear at work I would either be fired or it would become even more unbearable. Fear my birth family would want nothing to do with a gay son. Fear my partners would set me adrift never to know their love again. Fear my friends would slowly disappear out of my life as so many before them have done. Fear that I would not recognize the man behind the mask! So much like the adulterer who waits for twilight…I stay hidden behind my disguise.

Martini Madness

“The Son of man is come eating and drinking; and ye say, Behold a gluttonous man, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners!” Luke 7:34

Growing up in my parent’s house there was absolutely no alcohol allowed. We were taught from an early age that any drinking was a sin. Of course, that did not stop me from drinking starting at the age of 15. It just made it a little more difficult to hide. Even though we had both been drinking for years, I think I was about 20 and my sister 25 before we admitted to each other that we drank. Even though I started drinking fairly early in life, I never drank a lot. I was truly the definition of a ‘social’ drinker.

Recently though, I have started worrying about whether I might be drinking too much. In 2008 and the 10 years prior, I probably went to a bar on the average of 4 times a year. In 2009, I upped that to more like 4 times a month. Now here we are early in 2010, and just this week alone I have already gone out drinking 4 times. The problem is that I realize I am not doing it because I like the taste, but more to dull the pain and sadness that I feel. While I use to come home from work and either work in the yard or ride my exercise bike, now instead I head straight for the liquor cabinet.

Life at work seems to get more unbearable every day. I work my ass off in a job that I am so under-qualified for just trying to keep my head above water. I sit and watch new employees who hardly ever work get promotions and large raises, while the 26 year veteran is told you are a great asset and we are doing all we can for you.

Life at home while certainly not full of the stress that I feel at work is still full of sadness. Martin does not understand why I spend so much time crying always worrying that he has done something wrong. Joe I think is just happy he has his own home to escape to at times. So many of my friends seem to have pulled away into their own worlds, while the few that I count on the most I expect too much of and burn them out.

Verses in both Matthew and Luke assure me that drinking is not a sin, since Jesus himself drank on occasion. What I think is wrong is over-indulgence in anything. Is that what I am doing is the question I must ask myself? While I do not truthfully think the amount of alcohol I am consuming is an indulgence, I believe my problem comes in the reason for my drinking. Without it though I cannot imagine how much more I would find myself crying. Would you not think that an over-indulgence of sadness is wrong as well? I have actually had a couple of happy days already this year, but neither of them was totally liquor-free. I wonder if it is even possible for me to have even a semblance of happiness without drinking some. I wonder if I will ever have the strength and courage to find out…

Auld Lang Syne

“Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil.” Jeremiah 13:23

I remember when I was about 14 years old thinking the year 1980 would never arrive. I thought finally graduating from high school would be the best. Now it is 2010, and I am thinking there is no way it has been 30 years since I graduated. Where did all those years go?

At the beginning of last year, Martin had recently started branching out and enlarging his friendship base. Because of my innate shyness and my poor self-image, I have always found it difficult to cultivate new friendships. I decided though to at least open myself up to the possibility that there were new people out there who would welcome my friendship. The results of this decision made 2009 both one of the happiest and saddest of my life. I have met so many new people over the past year some of whom have become extremely meaningful to my life. These new friends have brought into my life joy and thrills beyond belief, but also disappointment and sorrow. Maybe I had just become so accustomed to my existing friends that I did not notice the ups and downs as much as I seem to with these new relationships. Whatever though I found my heart to be stuck on a rollercoaster ride.

For someone like myself who has always been a little manic-depressive the year 2009 became quite a challenge. I have all my life found it hard to find a calm balance between laughter and tears. So in a year where my job situation continued to go downhill, opening up my heart really kept me off kilter. While my new friends had brought with them so many new, fun, and exciting experiences still I could not count how many nights I ended up crying myself to sleep. As the year drew to a close, I began to think that perhaps one of my 2010 resolutions should be to withdraw back into my shell. I thought maybe it would be best to not allow myself to be open to such fluctuations in emotions.

Each year I find myself making a few resolutions only to break most of them by the end of January. Like the leopard, I find it almost impossible to change my spots. My behavior is so engrained into my personality that I have no idea how to change. I am much too weak to stop drinking, much too lazy to do the extra work around the house I keep putting off, much too scared to walk out on a job I have had for 26 years, and love much too much to give up on friendships that have encompassed my heart. I quickly realized over just the first weekend of this year there was no way I could close myself away again. I decided to forget all the silly resolutions I make and break each year. I decided to forget the impossible resolution to try and distance myself from my heart. Instead I decided to make just one resolution to simply try and have ten truly happy days during 2010. Perhaps that does not sound like a lofty goal, but for me it is a start…