“Lover and friend hast thou put far from me, and mine acquaintance into darkness.” Psalms 88:18
Today would have been my 25th anniversary had I not made the mistake of falling so deeply and so quickly for Crocket. For almost 25 years, I lived with and loved one of the most wonderful men in the world. All during those years, friends and enemies alike wondered aloud how Martin could possibly put up with me. Looking at my average appearance, my bad personality, my asinine thought processes, and my general evil nature; I cannot say that I blamed them. Still though we were exact opposites in most things, we seemed to find a way to make it work.
The funny thing is that while there have been quite a few times in the past where I considered giving up on our relationship, I did not consider doing it because of Crocket. Now I was planning on having him in my life, but I just planned to keep Martin as well. It certainly was not without precedence that I should think that would be a perfectly acceptable solution. There has only been one 21 month period during our entire relationship that it was only the two of us alone together. While I did not expect Martin and Crocket to become partners, I did think that I would be able to keep them both in my life. Actually for the first 5 weeks after I told Martin about my feelings for Crocket, it seemed that was exactly what would happen. He continued to treat us both in the same way he always had, and went as far as going to dinner, drinks and movies with us. Then I guess out of the blue something clicked inside his head and he realized he could not live that way.
Yes, perhaps in hindsight at that point I should have done as Crocket has since done to me and dropped him cold while begging Martin for forgiveness; but I was much too caught up in my love for Crocket to let him go completely. While it is a mistake I will have to pay for the rest of my life, it is also one I will have to find a way to live with and move on. I think what bothers me the most is how cold emotionally this has made Martin. I asked him earlier this week if he would like to go to dinner with me tonight. I told him I thought it might be good for both of us to help us in our growing process. While he agreed to go with me without any hesitation, he added that we could use the time alone to discuss what we were going to do about our house. Of course that makes perfect sense in a very frigidly, logical way to discuss divorce proceedings on the actual day of your anniversary. Then last night he did a complete about face, and wrote me explaining that he did not feel like going to dinner with me on what would have been our anniversary. He bluntly said that I needed to just let him go, and that we could get together some other time to discuss the division of assets. It is not just me though that he has turned a cold shoulder toward. While he has already roped himself a new boyfriend, he no longer sees any of his old friends except once a week at choir. I hate knowing that my actions have caused such a change in this man that I have loved for so many years.
So tonight for our silver anniversary, I am sure Martin will have dinner and enjoy the evening with his new friend in my house. For myself, I will sit alone in the home I tried to build for me and Crocket. There I will drink, I will cry, and I will once again descend into darkness…
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Fools Rush In...
“As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.” Proverbs 26:11
Well even for me where big changes in my life always seem to come fast and out-of-nowhere this one was exceptionally quick. Truthfully my mind, heart, and soul all feel like they were struck by lightning. For the second time in the same year, I went to bed thinking my life had just about reached perfection only to wake up the next day to total chaos. The new life that Crocket and I were building together was torn away from me by his refusal to grow and move on with his life. The lazy man that he is found it simpler and more advantageous for him to return to his old life even if it meant living forever without love.
I could certainly sit here and write for days analyzing Crocket. I could list his fears, insecurities, issues, and mistakes; but this blog is supposed to be about me. Really the only thing needed to be known about him to understand where I am at this point is that he is an emotionally scarred, young boy who allows himself to be ruled not by the love he feels, but instead by his deeply embedded fears. He does not know how to accept true love into his life, but feels much more comfortable living life as a possession rather than a partner. Those are issues that I pray one day he will be able to combat, but he has made it clear that he does not want my help in doing so.
Analyzing myself is much more difficult because every choice Crocket makes no matter how bad it is for him he at least can come up with a reason behind it. Now where he is concerned that reason certainly has a 50/50 chance of being a lie, but still it is a reason nonetheless. I have no reasons or excuses for having allowed myself to fall in love with him. I certainly have no excuse for having allowed him to come back into my life in April after he had already shattered my heart! I think many of my friends would say it was caused by a mid-life crisis of a 48 year old man just having his heart swayed by someone half his age actually showing sexual interest in him. Others if they knew his whole story would probably say that my need to protect those who cannot protect themselves came bursting out and moved my heart. While certainly I will admit that both of those theories probably played into the beginnings of my relationship with him, the actual truth though is that in the end I simply fell in love with a remarkable man. No, he is most definitely not remarkable on the outside. You have to be patient and willing to dig through all the layers to get to that special man inside. I think I am the only person who has been lucky enough or patient enough to be able to view that part of him, if only for a split second before he closed the shell back around himself.
When I allowed Crocket back into my life, I truly was a fool returning to his folly. Instead of using common sense, I allowed myself to be ruled by the absolute love in my heart for him. Would I be willing to give up the memories of the last 4 ½ months of love and partnership we have shared even though they leave me each night on the verge of despair? The answer is most definitely not! Would I ever make the mistake of allowing him back into my life again? To quote the song, “wise men never fall in love..."
Well even for me where big changes in my life always seem to come fast and out-of-nowhere this one was exceptionally quick. Truthfully my mind, heart, and soul all feel like they were struck by lightning. For the second time in the same year, I went to bed thinking my life had just about reached perfection only to wake up the next day to total chaos. The new life that Crocket and I were building together was torn away from me by his refusal to grow and move on with his life. The lazy man that he is found it simpler and more advantageous for him to return to his old life even if it meant living forever without love.
I could certainly sit here and write for days analyzing Crocket. I could list his fears, insecurities, issues, and mistakes; but this blog is supposed to be about me. Really the only thing needed to be known about him to understand where I am at this point is that he is an emotionally scarred, young boy who allows himself to be ruled not by the love he feels, but instead by his deeply embedded fears. He does not know how to accept true love into his life, but feels much more comfortable living life as a possession rather than a partner. Those are issues that I pray one day he will be able to combat, but he has made it clear that he does not want my help in doing so.
Analyzing myself is much more difficult because every choice Crocket makes no matter how bad it is for him he at least can come up with a reason behind it. Now where he is concerned that reason certainly has a 50/50 chance of being a lie, but still it is a reason nonetheless. I have no reasons or excuses for having allowed myself to fall in love with him. I certainly have no excuse for having allowed him to come back into my life in April after he had already shattered my heart! I think many of my friends would say it was caused by a mid-life crisis of a 48 year old man just having his heart swayed by someone half his age actually showing sexual interest in him. Others if they knew his whole story would probably say that my need to protect those who cannot protect themselves came bursting out and moved my heart. While certainly I will admit that both of those theories probably played into the beginnings of my relationship with him, the actual truth though is that in the end I simply fell in love with a remarkable man. No, he is most definitely not remarkable on the outside. You have to be patient and willing to dig through all the layers to get to that special man inside. I think I am the only person who has been lucky enough or patient enough to be able to view that part of him, if only for a split second before he closed the shell back around himself.
When I allowed Crocket back into my life, I truly was a fool returning to his folly. Instead of using common sense, I allowed myself to be ruled by the absolute love in my heart for him. Would I be willing to give up the memories of the last 4 ½ months of love and partnership we have shared even though they leave me each night on the verge of despair? The answer is most definitely not! Would I ever make the mistake of allowing him back into my life again? To quote the song, “wise men never fall in love..."
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Changes in Attitude, Changes in Latitude
“If a man die, shall he live again? all the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come.” Job 14:14
Well after 49 years of having never lived alone, and almost 25 of those years being lived with the same person; I for the first time in my life rented an apartment. It is a fearful step I take without Martin by my side, one that just a few months ago I would have thought impossible. I have lived most of my life very controlled, so I was knocked off my feet when these drastic changes came so quickly and unexpectedly.
I guess looking back on it I should not have been so surprised since most of the issues that have led to my break-up with Martin were caused by me. Still coming home one Sunday to find my suitcases pulled out of the attic and sitting on my floor was something of a shock. Of course, at that point I truthfully thought he just wanted a short separation to mull things over. I never dreamed that the 4th of July would actually become his Independence Day from me. So after 24 years and 306 days, my life as Martin’s partner came to an abrupt end.
We became partners on August 31st of 1986 at a pre-Labor Day barbeque, and officially separated on July 4th of 2011 after I returned home from a 4th of July barbeque. During those almost 25 years, we lived through many good and bad times. The worst of course being our loss of Lee back in 2001. It surprised me at that time that our relationship survived the loss, and perhaps in retrospect it did not. We seemed to become more just good friends than partners especially a year later when Joe came into our lives. The last eight years as we have lived, eaten, vacationed, laughed and cried together; I guess we really were doing it more as three buddies than as three life partners.
Now though as I begin my new life, it is not me that I am worried about. I am lucky enough to have Crocket to stand beside me. He has been my savior this year bringing happiness back to my heart and life back to my soul. Instead, it is the other two whose future has me worried. While in the long run, I think it will be harder on Martin to live on his on since Joe has done so in the past; still Joe is the one who has me most concerned. Martin made these choices on his own. He could have kept either both Joe and me or just Joe in his life had he chosen to do so. Instead he made the decision to erase us both out of his life, even though Joe had done nothing to deserve that treatment. So while I hope he finds happiness, I do not hold myself responsible for helping him move on. Joe on the other hand had no choice. After giving his love to us for 8 years, he had us both in one way or another turn our backs on him. While Martin does not appear to be bothered by his part in this, I cannot help but feel sad for having hurt him so deeply. At this point, Joe and I have seemingly come to an understanding that while our relationship will never be the same hopefully we will be able to stay a part of each other’s life.
Change has always been difficult for me, but in some ways I do feel like I have been born again into a brand new life. I am no longer sitting around hoping for a better change to come; instead I am starting fresh in a new home walking hand in hand with Crocket. Perhaps change is not always a bad thing…
Well after 49 years of having never lived alone, and almost 25 of those years being lived with the same person; I for the first time in my life rented an apartment. It is a fearful step I take without Martin by my side, one that just a few months ago I would have thought impossible. I have lived most of my life very controlled, so I was knocked off my feet when these drastic changes came so quickly and unexpectedly.
I guess looking back on it I should not have been so surprised since most of the issues that have led to my break-up with Martin were caused by me. Still coming home one Sunday to find my suitcases pulled out of the attic and sitting on my floor was something of a shock. Of course, at that point I truthfully thought he just wanted a short separation to mull things over. I never dreamed that the 4th of July would actually become his Independence Day from me. So after 24 years and 306 days, my life as Martin’s partner came to an abrupt end.
We became partners on August 31st of 1986 at a pre-Labor Day barbeque, and officially separated on July 4th of 2011 after I returned home from a 4th of July barbeque. During those almost 25 years, we lived through many good and bad times. The worst of course being our loss of Lee back in 2001. It surprised me at that time that our relationship survived the loss, and perhaps in retrospect it did not. We seemed to become more just good friends than partners especially a year later when Joe came into our lives. The last eight years as we have lived, eaten, vacationed, laughed and cried together; I guess we really were doing it more as three buddies than as three life partners.
Now though as I begin my new life, it is not me that I am worried about. I am lucky enough to have Crocket to stand beside me. He has been my savior this year bringing happiness back to my heart and life back to my soul. Instead, it is the other two whose future has me worried. While in the long run, I think it will be harder on Martin to live on his on since Joe has done so in the past; still Joe is the one who has me most concerned. Martin made these choices on his own. He could have kept either both Joe and me or just Joe in his life had he chosen to do so. Instead he made the decision to erase us both out of his life, even though Joe had done nothing to deserve that treatment. So while I hope he finds happiness, I do not hold myself responsible for helping him move on. Joe on the other hand had no choice. After giving his love to us for 8 years, he had us both in one way or another turn our backs on him. While Martin does not appear to be bothered by his part in this, I cannot help but feel sad for having hurt him so deeply. At this point, Joe and I have seemingly come to an understanding that while our relationship will never be the same hopefully we will be able to stay a part of each other’s life.
Change has always been difficult for me, but in some ways I do feel like I have been born again into a brand new life. I am no longer sitting around hoping for a better change to come; instead I am starting fresh in a new home walking hand in hand with Crocket. Perhaps change is not always a bad thing…
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