Fools Rush In...

“As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.” Proverbs 26:11

Well even for me where big changes in my life always seem to come fast and out-of-nowhere this one was exceptionally quick. Truthfully my mind, heart, and soul all feel like they were struck by lightning. For the second time in the same year, I went to bed thinking my life had just about reached perfection only to wake up the next day to total chaos. The new life that Crocket and I were building together was torn away from me by his refusal to grow and move on with his life. The lazy man that he is found it simpler and more advantageous for him to return to his old life even if it meant living forever without love.

I could certainly sit here and write for days analyzing Crocket. I could list his fears, insecurities, issues, and mistakes; but this blog is supposed to be about me. Really the only thing needed to be known about him to understand where I am at this point is that he is an emotionally scarred, young boy who allows himself to be ruled not by the love he feels, but instead by his deeply embedded fears. He does not know how to accept true love into his life, but feels much more comfortable living life as a possession rather than a partner. Those are issues that I pray one day he will be able to combat, but he has made it clear that he does not want my help in doing so.

Analyzing myself is much more difficult because every choice Crocket makes no matter how bad it is for him he at least can come up with a reason behind it. Now where he is concerned that reason certainly has a 50/50 chance of being a lie, but still it is a reason nonetheless. I have no reasons or excuses for having allowed myself to fall in love with him. I certainly have no excuse for having allowed him to come back into my life in April after he had already shattered my heart! I think many of my friends would say it was caused by a mid-life crisis of a 48 year old man just having his heart swayed by someone half his age actually showing sexual interest in him. Others if they knew his whole story would probably say that my need to protect those who cannot protect themselves came bursting out and moved my heart. While certainly I will admit that both of those theories probably played into the beginnings of my relationship with him, the actual truth though is that in the end I simply fell in love with a remarkable man. No, he is most definitely not remarkable on the outside. You have to be patient and willing to dig through all the layers to get to that special man inside. I think I am the only person who has been lucky enough or patient enough to be able to view that part of him, if only for a split second before he closed the shell back around himself.

When I allowed Crocket back into my life, I truly was a fool returning to his folly. Instead of using common sense, I allowed myself to be ruled by the absolute love in my heart for him. Would I be willing to give up the memories of the last 4 ½ months of love and partnership we have shared even though they leave me each night on the verge of despair? The answer is most definitely not! Would I ever make the mistake of allowing him back into my life again? To quote the song, “wise men never fall in love..."