Changes in Attitude, Changes in Latitude

“If a man die, shall he live again? all the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come.” Job 14:14

Well after 49 years of having never lived alone, and almost 25 of those years being lived with the same person; I for the first time in my life rented an apartment. It is a fearful step I take without Martin by my side, one that just a few months ago I would have thought impossible. I have lived most of my life very controlled, so I was knocked off my feet when these drastic changes came so quickly and unexpectedly.

I guess looking back on it I should not have been so surprised since most of the issues that have led to my break-up with Martin were caused by me. Still coming home one Sunday to find my suitcases pulled out of the attic and sitting on my floor was something of a shock. Of course, at that point I truthfully thought he just wanted a short separation to mull things over. I never dreamed that the 4th of July would actually become his Independence Day from me. So after 24 years and 306 days, my life as Martin’s partner came to an abrupt end.

We became partners on August 31st of 1986 at a pre-Labor Day barbeque, and officially separated on July 4th of 2011 after I returned home from a 4th of July barbeque. During those almost 25 years, we lived through many good and bad times. The worst of course being our loss of Lee back in 2001. It surprised me at that time that our relationship survived the loss, and perhaps in retrospect it did not. We seemed to become more just good friends than partners especially a year later when Joe came into our lives. The last eight years as we have lived, eaten, vacationed, laughed and cried together; I guess we really were doing it more as three buddies than as three life partners.

Now though as I begin my new life, it is not me that I am worried about. I am lucky enough to have Crocket to stand beside me. He has been my savior this year bringing happiness back to my heart and life back to my soul. Instead, it is the other two whose future has me worried. While in the long run, I think it will be harder on Martin to live on his on since Joe has done so in the past; still Joe is the one who has me most concerned. Martin made these choices on his own. He could have kept either both Joe and me or just Joe in his life had he chosen to do so. Instead he made the decision to erase us both out of his life, even though Joe had done nothing to deserve that treatment. So while I hope he finds happiness, I do not hold myself responsible for helping him move on. Joe on the other hand had no choice. After giving his love to us for 8 years, he had us both in one way or another turn our backs on him. While Martin does not appear to be bothered by his part in this, I cannot help but feel sad for having hurt him so deeply. At this point, Joe and I have seemingly come to an understanding that while our relationship will never be the same hopefully we will be able to stay a part of each other’s life.

Change has always been difficult for me, but in some ways I do feel like I have been born again into a brand new life. I am no longer sitting around hoping for a better change to come; instead I am starting fresh in a new home walking hand in hand with Crocket. Perhaps change is not always a bad thing…