Happy Anniversary, Baby

“Lover and friend hast thou put far from me, and mine acquaintance into darkness.” Psalms 88:18

Today would have been my 25th anniversary had I not made the mistake of falling so deeply and so quickly for Crocket. For almost 25 years, I lived with and loved one of the most wonderful men in the world. All during those years, friends and enemies alike wondered aloud how Martin could possibly put up with me. Looking at my average appearance, my bad personality, my asinine thought processes, and my general evil nature; I cannot say that I blamed them. Still though we were exact opposites in most things, we seemed to find a way to make it work.

The funny thing is that while there have been quite a few times in the past where I considered giving up on our relationship, I did not consider doing it because of Crocket. Now I was planning on having him in my life, but I just planned to keep Martin as well. It certainly was not without precedence that I should think that would be a perfectly acceptable solution. There has only been one 21 month period during our entire relationship that it was only the two of us alone together. While I did not expect Martin and Crocket to become partners, I did think that I would be able to keep them both in my life. Actually for the first 5 weeks after I told Martin about my feelings for Crocket, it seemed that was exactly what would happen. He continued to treat us both in the same way he always had, and went as far as going to dinner, drinks and movies with us. Then I guess out of the blue something clicked inside his head and he realized he could not live that way.

Yes, perhaps in hindsight at that point I should have done as Crocket has since done to me and dropped him cold while begging Martin for forgiveness; but I was much too caught up in my love for Crocket to let him go completely. While it is a mistake I will have to pay for the rest of my life, it is also one I will have to find a way to live with and move on. I think what bothers me the most is how cold emotionally this has made Martin. I asked him earlier this week if he would like to go to dinner with me tonight. I told him I thought it might be good for both of us to help us in our growing process. While he agreed to go with me without any hesitation, he added that we could use the time alone to discuss what we were going to do about our house. Of course that makes perfect sense in a very frigidly, logical way to discuss divorce proceedings on the actual day of your anniversary. Then last night he did a complete about face, and wrote me explaining that he did not feel like going to dinner with me on what would have been our anniversary. He bluntly said that I needed to just let him go, and that we could get together some other time to discuss the division of assets. It is not just me though that he has turned a cold shoulder toward. While he has already roped himself a new boyfriend, he no longer sees any of his old friends except once a week at choir. I hate knowing that my actions have caused such a change in this man that I have loved for so many years.

So tonight for our silver anniversary, I am sure Martin will have dinner and enjoy the evening with his new friend in my house. For myself, I will sit alone in the home I tried to build for me and Crocket. There I will drink, I will cry, and I will once again descend into darkness…