“For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.” II Thessalonians 3:10
The past two weekends before this last one had been so packed full of fun activities that I did not have time to let my usual ‘I hate work’ depression set in and keep me upset. This last weekend started out much the same with a nice potluck dinner at a friend’s house followed by attending a funny play ‘Southern Baptist Sissies’. The weekend slowly went downhill from there though. Saturday I discovered that my phone and internet services are completely out, and probably will not be restored for at least a week. On Sunday, Martin and I drove to Cullman to carry flowers to Lee’s gravesite. His 53rd birthday would have been on March 30th. Yes, those two days were the perfect set-up for my usual end of the weekend funk.
Does everyone hate their job, or is it just me? I know in the work climate that we all live in that I should be ecstatic to have a job of any kind. I have worked at the same company for over 25 years now. For 24 of those years, I did the same job one I knew like the back of my hand. There was absolutely no thinking involved. A lot of the jobs at our company are being moved to Texas, so about a year ago to preserve my employment I moved into a different department. I took a much harder job, with longer work hours for no more pay. Well we all no the ‘cannot teach an old dog new tricks’ statement, and in my case that has certainly been the truth.
The worse part of this job however is not the fact that most of it is way over my head complicated, but that I have to now on a regular basis deal with users both here and in Texas for whom I program. I am so incredibly introverted that I will sit at my desk for hours getting nothing done just dreading a 5 minute face-to-face meeting with someone. I waste so much time trying to figure out ways to get my job done through e-mails rather than vocally. Add that to the fact that all of us who work here know we are living on borrowed time. The day will come either sooner or later when all our jobs are moved to Texas. The scariest part of that is that it could happen today or 5 years from now without warning.
I know that not only do people have to work to survive, but according to God people should work. He expects everyone to earn their way in this world He has given to us. I have no problem with that with the proof that I have worked at the same company for all these years, and have always been considered by my bosses and co-workers to be an exemplary employee. My largest problem with my job is that I constantly worry about it. At night, I lie in bed thinking about what I have to get done at work the next day, and scared that I am going to be too tired to perform because of my lack of sleep. On weekends I find it hard to make myself do anything enjoyable because I am constantly dreading the following Monday. If only I could learn to leave the worries of this job at the door, I think I would be able to take a large step toward my overall happiness. If only…those words make up so much of my life.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Just As I Am
“Now there was leaning on Jesus’ bosom one of his disciples, whom Jesus loved.” John 13:23
A second really good weekend in a row for me, perhaps I am on a roll. I spent Friday night with two special men catching up on my Battlestar Galactica tapes, Saturday was a whirlwind of helping my partner Martin get snacks ready for his choir social, Saturday night I had a great time at the social and dinner after with friends, and then on Sunday Martin and I caught a movie before going to supper with friends. A very full weekend one that would normally have exhausted me; but now looking back on it I feel not exhaustion, but joy. Two months ago if I had a weekend like that by Sunday night I would have been crying my eyes out. I used my weekends for one reason, and that was to rest by myself to store up energy to make it through the next work week. My question is why do I feel differently now?
I really feel that a lot of my change in attitude is because of new friends coming into my life. Not that I have not always had a large group of friends who love me. Eight years ago when I lost Lee, all my friends gathered around into a strong cohesive whole to take care of me. As the years have passed by though we have all slowly drifted apart. Sure we still get together for dinners and parties, but we never really talk to each other any more. Sometimes I feel that those of us who still get together on a regular basis just do it out of habit. As my friends have moved into their own lives, I have moved more and more into myself. While I still see my friends once or twice a week, I mainly keep all my thoughts and emotions locked deep inside. This has all started to change for me recently with these new friends showing up in my life questioning me, and more importantly making me question myself.
A friend of mine the other day called me in an email ‘just’ a friend. I, of course, realize he was trying to make a point, and did not think that I would find his words hurtful. My problem with the word ‘just’ is that when used in the conjunction with the word ‘friend’ seems to me to be synonymous with ‘not worthwhile’. Of course, no one would ever consider a friend to be not worthwhile, but to me that word seems to lessen the meaning of friend. While I was nursing my hurt feelings I got to thinking though, do I consider a lot of my friends to be ‘just’ friends? I hate to admit to myself, but maybe I do. While I love and cherish each and every one of them, I cannot imagine sharing my inner self with them. I would be there for them in an emergency, as they would for me, but would never dream of calling them up to tell them how my life is going. I would think why burden them when they all have their own problems with which to deal.
The apostle John always took pains to point out that he was the disciple whom Jesus loved, but in truth Jesus loved all his friends. He was there; He is there for everyone in whatever way He is needed. I think I need to learn a lesson from Him. I need to stop worrying about descriptions, after all I know my friends will always accept me as I am. Instead I need to make sure that I never treat any of them as ‘just’ a friend.
A second really good weekend in a row for me, perhaps I am on a roll. I spent Friday night with two special men catching up on my Battlestar Galactica tapes, Saturday was a whirlwind of helping my partner Martin get snacks ready for his choir social, Saturday night I had a great time at the social and dinner after with friends, and then on Sunday Martin and I caught a movie before going to supper with friends. A very full weekend one that would normally have exhausted me; but now looking back on it I feel not exhaustion, but joy. Two months ago if I had a weekend like that by Sunday night I would have been crying my eyes out. I used my weekends for one reason, and that was to rest by myself to store up energy to make it through the next work week. My question is why do I feel differently now?
I really feel that a lot of my change in attitude is because of new friends coming into my life. Not that I have not always had a large group of friends who love me. Eight years ago when I lost Lee, all my friends gathered around into a strong cohesive whole to take care of me. As the years have passed by though we have all slowly drifted apart. Sure we still get together for dinners and parties, but we never really talk to each other any more. Sometimes I feel that those of us who still get together on a regular basis just do it out of habit. As my friends have moved into their own lives, I have moved more and more into myself. While I still see my friends once or twice a week, I mainly keep all my thoughts and emotions locked deep inside. This has all started to change for me recently with these new friends showing up in my life questioning me, and more importantly making me question myself.
A friend of mine the other day called me in an email ‘just’ a friend. I, of course, realize he was trying to make a point, and did not think that I would find his words hurtful. My problem with the word ‘just’ is that when used in the conjunction with the word ‘friend’ seems to me to be synonymous with ‘not worthwhile’. Of course, no one would ever consider a friend to be not worthwhile, but to me that word seems to lessen the meaning of friend. While I was nursing my hurt feelings I got to thinking though, do I consider a lot of my friends to be ‘just’ friends? I hate to admit to myself, but maybe I do. While I love and cherish each and every one of them, I cannot imagine sharing my inner self with them. I would be there for them in an emergency, as they would for me, but would never dream of calling them up to tell them how my life is going. I would think why burden them when they all have their own problems with which to deal.
The apostle John always took pains to point out that he was the disciple whom Jesus loved, but in truth Jesus loved all his friends. He was there; He is there for everyone in whatever way He is needed. I think I need to learn a lesson from Him. I need to stop worrying about descriptions, after all I know my friends will always accept me as I am. Instead I need to make sure that I never treat any of them as ‘just’ a friend.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Constant Craving
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” Psalm 23:1
This past weekend was one of my best in recent memory. It began well on Friday night with me going out with a new group of friends. I had such a great time, and feel so privileged to be included in this group. Saturday was a ‘me’ day, where I just lounged around and read until the evening when I went to a Birmingham broadway show at the civic center. On Sunday, I actually dragged my lazy self out of the bed and met a good friend for church at Southside Baptist before having lunch with him. The rest of Sunday afternoon I spent having coffee at Starbucks with another new friend. All in all a glorious weekend, that should have satisfied even the hungriest of souls.
So why did I still want more?
That is a question I have asked myself all my life, but have thus far been unable to answer. Truthfully, I had completely given up on even trying to figure out the ins and outs of my mind. That is until recently when this new friend came into my life. Now his influence has me questioning all my thought processes. As I have mentioned in the past so often I feel like I am just surviving life. I go through all the right motions. I do my job, eat my meals, clean my house, make love to my partners, smile at my friends; but I do it all without any gusto. I doubt as every one goes about their own lives that they even notice. After all, I am a pretty good actor with years of practice, but I notice every single moment of my life.
When David penned the 23rd Psalm, he was talking mainly about spiritual needs, not physical ones. While I truly believe the Lord will provide for my spiritual well being, I think it is up to each individual to provide for their own earthly happiness. God cares about whether I am happy, but He does not directly influence it. I realize today more than ever, that I am completely responsible for my own happiness. It is up to me to decide where I go with the next 46 years of my life. The day will come when I will be with the Lord, and no longer want. Until that day I can continue to sit in a black hole letting no one in to my well sheltered existence, or I can open up my life stop ‘wanting’ and start living. Only time will tell if I make the right choice…
This past weekend was one of my best in recent memory. It began well on Friday night with me going out with a new group of friends. I had such a great time, and feel so privileged to be included in this group. Saturday was a ‘me’ day, where I just lounged around and read until the evening when I went to a Birmingham broadway show at the civic center. On Sunday, I actually dragged my lazy self out of the bed and met a good friend for church at Southside Baptist before having lunch with him. The rest of Sunday afternoon I spent having coffee at Starbucks with another new friend. All in all a glorious weekend, that should have satisfied even the hungriest of souls.
So why did I still want more?
That is a question I have asked myself all my life, but have thus far been unable to answer. Truthfully, I had completely given up on even trying to figure out the ins and outs of my mind. That is until recently when this new friend came into my life. Now his influence has me questioning all my thought processes. As I have mentioned in the past so often I feel like I am just surviving life. I go through all the right motions. I do my job, eat my meals, clean my house, make love to my partners, smile at my friends; but I do it all without any gusto. I doubt as every one goes about their own lives that they even notice. After all, I am a pretty good actor with years of practice, but I notice every single moment of my life.
When David penned the 23rd Psalm, he was talking mainly about spiritual needs, not physical ones. While I truly believe the Lord will provide for my spiritual well being, I think it is up to each individual to provide for their own earthly happiness. God cares about whether I am happy, but He does not directly influence it. I realize today more than ever, that I am completely responsible for my own happiness. It is up to me to decide where I go with the next 46 years of my life. The day will come when I will be with the Lord, and no longer want. Until that day I can continue to sit in a black hole letting no one in to my well sheltered existence, or I can open up my life stop ‘wanting’ and start living. Only time will tell if I make the right choice…
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Boys Don't Cry
“Jesus wept.” John 11:35
The shortest verse in the entire bible is one that speaks volumes. From a very early age, I was taught if not by word at least by example that men are not supposed to cry. Growing up I never once saw my father show any emotional response. I believe that when his mother passed away that he probably did cry because he went to the funeral home the morning before she was buried and sat with her body for about 3 hours. He did not go to the services though, and my guess is that was because he was afraid he would break down. Women of course could cry, when my mom’s parents died in a car wreck she went into a downward spiral that lasted for years. For days at a time she would lock herself in a darkened bedroom and cry constantly. My parents also would think nothing of my sister crying, but even when I was being punished I was told, “Don’t you dare cry, or I’ll give you something to really cry about.” I was pretty much taught to never show an emotional response to anything that occurred.
What effect did all that have on me in my adult life? Well I am probably one of the most emotional people in the world, but hardly anyone knows. I have become very adept at keeping a wall around myself. I probably cry ten times as much as any normal person, but I never allow anyone to see me crying. I imagine my partners, my friends, my family and my co-workers all see me as this cold, unemotional man. That could not be further from the truth. I take everything to heart. The slightest praise I leap on, the slightest insults cut me to the quick. I allow things to build up inside me all day, and then find myself lying in bed at night crying myself to sleep. How much better it would be for my mental health to be able to release these emotions as I feel them.
I am really trying to make a concerted effort to if not completely break the shell that I have encased myself in, then to at least make it more porous. By writing this blog, by allowing myself to make new friends, by forcing myself to be open and honest with one friend, by paying more attention to my needs, by all these ways I think I am slowly moving forward for the first time in years. I do not know if I will ever be able to be completely at ease showing my emotions, but I feel good about the progress I have made in just one month. Jesus had no problems with weeping in public, maybe one day I will be able to follow his example.
The shortest verse in the entire bible is one that speaks volumes. From a very early age, I was taught if not by word at least by example that men are not supposed to cry. Growing up I never once saw my father show any emotional response. I believe that when his mother passed away that he probably did cry because he went to the funeral home the morning before she was buried and sat with her body for about 3 hours. He did not go to the services though, and my guess is that was because he was afraid he would break down. Women of course could cry, when my mom’s parents died in a car wreck she went into a downward spiral that lasted for years. For days at a time she would lock herself in a darkened bedroom and cry constantly. My parents also would think nothing of my sister crying, but even when I was being punished I was told, “Don’t you dare cry, or I’ll give you something to really cry about.” I was pretty much taught to never show an emotional response to anything that occurred.
What effect did all that have on me in my adult life? Well I am probably one of the most emotional people in the world, but hardly anyone knows. I have become very adept at keeping a wall around myself. I probably cry ten times as much as any normal person, but I never allow anyone to see me crying. I imagine my partners, my friends, my family and my co-workers all see me as this cold, unemotional man. That could not be further from the truth. I take everything to heart. The slightest praise I leap on, the slightest insults cut me to the quick. I allow things to build up inside me all day, and then find myself lying in bed at night crying myself to sleep. How much better it would be for my mental health to be able to release these emotions as I feel them.
I am really trying to make a concerted effort to if not completely break the shell that I have encased myself in, then to at least make it more porous. By writing this blog, by allowing myself to make new friends, by forcing myself to be open and honest with one friend, by paying more attention to my needs, by all these ways I think I am slowly moving forward for the first time in years. I do not know if I will ever be able to be completely at ease showing my emotions, but I feel good about the progress I have made in just one month. Jesus had no problems with weeping in public, maybe one day I will be able to follow his example.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Losing My Religion
“Salute one another with an holy kiss. The churches of Christ salute you.” Romans 16:16
Thus far I have begun each of my blogs with a bible quotation. While I probably will not keep that practice up forever, it has helped me keep my mind concentrated on what I would like to write. Since I am quoting the bible quite a bit in my blogs, I thought it would be good to share my religious background. I was raised in what I think most people would consider the strictest religion – the church of Christ.
The church of Christ believes that the New Testament completely supersedes the Old Testament. They also follow Revelations 22: 18-19 to the letter: “For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.” Personally, while I feel that those particular verses only mean the book of Revelations, the church of Christ thinks they mean the entire New Testament. They believe that the New Testament as is was completely inspired by God. That it is His law to be followed to the letter.
Growing up in the church was a mixed blessing – it instilled into me a strong moral code of which I am thankful for having, but also tried to convince me that I would be going to hell for just living my life. Having known I was gay practically all my life, it made it almost impossible for me as a child to reconcile the feelings I had with the beliefs my parents and the church tried to force on me. My father died believing his son was living in sin, while my mom still will not admit to herself that her son is gay. The church not only messed with my head as a child, but kept my parents and myself from ever having a close relationship.
I stopped going to church when I was 18, and did not return to an organized religion until I turned 33. Finally I thought I had found a religion in the Episcopal church that accepted me the way God made me. I started for the first time in my life to enjoy going to church, but 9 years later something else happened to once again turn me away from organized religion. When what should have been a happy day for me, a gay man was made a bishop in the church, the dean of the cathedral I was attending hung a black flag out in front of the church building to show his disdain for the decision. Once again I felt I had been betrayed by religion.
Now 5 years have passed since I attended religious services on a consistent basis. I have such a strong belief in God that I feel the need to find a church to worship Him, but I just have no idea where I would feel welcome. It certainly will not be in the church I was brought up in for there I know I will never be accepted. I find it almost funny that two male members of that church would never kiss each other, when the very verse they use to take the name of their church from instructs them to always greet each other with a kiss. I am not sure if it will be the Episcopal church either, though I have yet to write them off completely because of the actions of one congregation. While I may never find a church that I am comfortable attending, I do have complete faith that in Jesus’ eyes my being gay is not a sin.
I sit here on the Lord’s Day writing this just hoping for inspiration, but though I may have lost my religion…I know I have not lost my soul.
Thus far I have begun each of my blogs with a bible quotation. While I probably will not keep that practice up forever, it has helped me keep my mind concentrated on what I would like to write. Since I am quoting the bible quite a bit in my blogs, I thought it would be good to share my religious background. I was raised in what I think most people would consider the strictest religion – the church of Christ.
The church of Christ believes that the New Testament completely supersedes the Old Testament. They also follow Revelations 22: 18-19 to the letter: “For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.” Personally, while I feel that those particular verses only mean the book of Revelations, the church of Christ thinks they mean the entire New Testament. They believe that the New Testament as is was completely inspired by God. That it is His law to be followed to the letter.
Growing up in the church was a mixed blessing – it instilled into me a strong moral code of which I am thankful for having, but also tried to convince me that I would be going to hell for just living my life. Having known I was gay practically all my life, it made it almost impossible for me as a child to reconcile the feelings I had with the beliefs my parents and the church tried to force on me. My father died believing his son was living in sin, while my mom still will not admit to herself that her son is gay. The church not only messed with my head as a child, but kept my parents and myself from ever having a close relationship.
I stopped going to church when I was 18, and did not return to an organized religion until I turned 33. Finally I thought I had found a religion in the Episcopal church that accepted me the way God made me. I started for the first time in my life to enjoy going to church, but 9 years later something else happened to once again turn me away from organized religion. When what should have been a happy day for me, a gay man was made a bishop in the church, the dean of the cathedral I was attending hung a black flag out in front of the church building to show his disdain for the decision. Once again I felt I had been betrayed by religion.
Now 5 years have passed since I attended religious services on a consistent basis. I have such a strong belief in God that I feel the need to find a church to worship Him, but I just have no idea where I would feel welcome. It certainly will not be in the church I was brought up in for there I know I will never be accepted. I find it almost funny that two male members of that church would never kiss each other, when the very verse they use to take the name of their church from instructs them to always greet each other with a kiss. I am not sure if it will be the Episcopal church either, though I have yet to write them off completely because of the actions of one congregation. While I may never find a church that I am comfortable attending, I do have complete faith that in Jesus’ eyes my being gay is not a sin.
I sit here on the Lord’s Day writing this just hoping for inspiration, but though I may have lost my religion…I know I have not lost my soul.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Boats Against the Current
“And He said, Come. And Peter went down from the boat, and walked upon the waters to come to Jesus.” Matthew 14:29
I decided it might be good for me to explain how I came up with the title I chose for my blog “A Boat Against The Current”. While I consider the title to be the perfect description of me, the words actually came from the final paragraph of my favorite book – F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby”. Nick Carraway’s monologue describing the sad existence of Jay Gatsby goes as follows:
“Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther... And one fine morning -
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
I feel that I have lived my entire life fighting against the current, chasing that green light without ever gaining any ground. I have never been satisfied of where I stood at any moment in time. I can spend hours lying in bed mapping out different scenarios of where my life would be if I had done one thing instead of another in the past. Just as often I might be found sitting around fantasizing about futures that will probably never come to be. Sometimes I think I live half of my life through daydreams while the real world flows right past me.
I am not blind to the gifts God has bestowed upon me though. From an outward point-of-view, I realize my life is one that would make most people extremely envious. I have not one, but two handsome, intelligent men who for some unexplainable reason absolutely adore me. I have numerous loving friends, am fairly healthy for my age, have a beautiful home, and a well paying (if unrewarding) job. So why then am I so unsatisfied? You cannot imagine how often I ask myself that question. Perhaps I just do not have the innate capability to be happy.
When in the book of Matthew, Peter starts to sink beneath the waves Jesus says to him, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” Like Peter, I find myself full of doubt. Not in Jesus though, but in myself. I have absolutely no faith in any decision I make. If only I could find a way to rise above the waves, trust my instincts, find joy in the life God has granted me, enjoy the times I have with my friends, and bask in the glow of love these men have deemed to share with me. If only I had faith in me - so I beat on…
I decided it might be good for me to explain how I came up with the title I chose for my blog “A Boat Against The Current”. While I consider the title to be the perfect description of me, the words actually came from the final paragraph of my favorite book – F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby”. Nick Carraway’s monologue describing the sad existence of Jay Gatsby goes as follows:
“Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther... And one fine morning -
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
I feel that I have lived my entire life fighting against the current, chasing that green light without ever gaining any ground. I have never been satisfied of where I stood at any moment in time. I can spend hours lying in bed mapping out different scenarios of where my life would be if I had done one thing instead of another in the past. Just as often I might be found sitting around fantasizing about futures that will probably never come to be. Sometimes I think I live half of my life through daydreams while the real world flows right past me.
I am not blind to the gifts God has bestowed upon me though. From an outward point-of-view, I realize my life is one that would make most people extremely envious. I have not one, but two handsome, intelligent men who for some unexplainable reason absolutely adore me. I have numerous loving friends, am fairly healthy for my age, have a beautiful home, and a well paying (if unrewarding) job. So why then am I so unsatisfied? You cannot imagine how often I ask myself that question. Perhaps I just do not have the innate capability to be happy.
When in the book of Matthew, Peter starts to sink beneath the waves Jesus says to him, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” Like Peter, I find myself full of doubt. Not in Jesus though, but in myself. I have absolutely no faith in any decision I make. If only I could find a way to rise above the waves, trust my instincts, find joy in the life God has granted me, enjoy the times I have with my friends, and bask in the glow of love these men have deemed to share with me. If only I had faith in me - so I beat on…
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Snow Fell On Alabama
“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7I woke up this morning to what I think is the most beautiful, peaceful scene in the world – an Alabama snowfall. When I was a young boy we seemed to have snows of this sort 2 or 3 times a year. Now whether because of global warming or whatever, it seems we only get days like this 2 or 3 times a decade. As a kid, I would first go out with my Dad and my sister to build a snowman, and then Mom would call us in to eat some snow cream. That would be it for family time. My parents and my sister would then go about their own lives inside, while I would disappear outside to play with my friends for the rest of the day. Seems then I could stand the cold for hours on end, now my old body is more than ready for a toasty fire after just 30 minutes or so of the cold, white beauty.
I cannot express the peace I felt this morning, so different than my normal days of living constantly on the edge. This morning we sat by a roaring fire, drinking hot chocolate, watching the snow fall, and enjoying the children across the street building a snowman. A little later we bundled up and went for a long walk in the pouring snow taking pictures along the way in hopes of reliving the peace of this day at a later time. Now after having had a nice brunch at the Tron, I’m relaxing in my easy chair contemplating the few hours of peace this beautiful day brought into my life. How thankful I am of these few moments of respite from the daily worries we all have to face.
Peace of heart, peace of mind, something we all hope for, but so often find almost impossible to attain. I find days where I am truly at peace to be as rare as snow in Alabama. I am truthfully not sure why I spend so many of my days and nights worrying not only about the mistakes I have made in the past, but those I fear I will make in the future. I spend hours trying to make even the simplest decisions. I pray daily for the ability to understand my own mind, my own heart.
Well the afternoon is racing along, the sun is shining brightly, the snow will be completely gone soon, and the real world will come crashing back down on us. I go now to enjoy the rest of this beautiful day, so thankful to God for the peace I have felt today. There will be time enough tomorrow for me to return to my worries and fears, today I will simply enjoy the peace which certainly passeth my understanding.
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