“Now there was leaning on Jesus’ bosom one of his disciples, whom Jesus loved.” John 13:23
A second really good weekend in a row for me, perhaps I am on a roll. I spent Friday night with two special men catching up on my Battlestar Galactica tapes, Saturday was a whirlwind of helping my partner Martin get snacks ready for his choir social, Saturday night I had a great time at the social and dinner after with friends, and then on Sunday Martin and I caught a movie before going to supper with friends. A very full weekend one that would normally have exhausted me; but now looking back on it I feel not exhaustion, but joy. Two months ago if I had a weekend like that by Sunday night I would have been crying my eyes out. I used my weekends for one reason, and that was to rest by myself to store up energy to make it through the next work week. My question is why do I feel differently now?
I really feel that a lot of my change in attitude is because of new friends coming into my life. Not that I have not always had a large group of friends who love me. Eight years ago when I lost Lee, all my friends gathered around into a strong cohesive whole to take care of me. As the years have passed by though we have all slowly drifted apart. Sure we still get together for dinners and parties, but we never really talk to each other any more. Sometimes I feel that those of us who still get together on a regular basis just do it out of habit. As my friends have moved into their own lives, I have moved more and more into myself. While I still see my friends once or twice a week, I mainly keep all my thoughts and emotions locked deep inside. This has all started to change for me recently with these new friends showing up in my life questioning me, and more importantly making me question myself.
A friend of mine the other day called me in an email ‘just’ a friend. I, of course, realize he was trying to make a point, and did not think that I would find his words hurtful. My problem with the word ‘just’ is that when used in the conjunction with the word ‘friend’ seems to me to be synonymous with ‘not worthwhile’. Of course, no one would ever consider a friend to be not worthwhile, but to me that word seems to lessen the meaning of friend. While I was nursing my hurt feelings I got to thinking though, do I consider a lot of my friends to be ‘just’ friends? I hate to admit to myself, but maybe I do. While I love and cherish each and every one of them, I cannot imagine sharing my inner self with them. I would be there for them in an emergency, as they would for me, but would never dream of calling them up to tell them how my life is going. I would think why burden them when they all have their own problems with which to deal.
The apostle John always took pains to point out that he was the disciple whom Jesus loved, but in truth Jesus loved all his friends. He was there; He is there for everyone in whatever way He is needed. I think I need to learn a lesson from Him. I need to stop worrying about descriptions, after all I know my friends will always accept me as I am. Instead I need to make sure that I never treat any of them as ‘just’ a friend.
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It is easy to take friendships for granted. But friendships exist, like all relationships, at different levels. There are friends with whom you can and would share anything, and others who aren't as close. But we are called to show love to each of them. We do that in different ways. Perhaps the challenge is to make sure we don't treat one another as 'just' friends, but rather recognize each relationship as unique and special.
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