“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” Psalm 23:1
This past weekend was one of my best in recent memory. It began well on Friday night with me going out with a new group of friends. I had such a great time, and feel so privileged to be included in this group. Saturday was a ‘me’ day, where I just lounged around and read until the evening when I went to a Birmingham broadway show at the civic center. On Sunday, I actually dragged my lazy self out of the bed and met a good friend for church at Southside Baptist before having lunch with him. The rest of Sunday afternoon I spent having coffee at Starbucks with another new friend. All in all a glorious weekend, that should have satisfied even the hungriest of souls.
So why did I still want more?
That is a question I have asked myself all my life, but have thus far been unable to answer. Truthfully, I had completely given up on even trying to figure out the ins and outs of my mind. That is until recently when this new friend came into my life. Now his influence has me questioning all my thought processes. As I have mentioned in the past so often I feel like I am just surviving life. I go through all the right motions. I do my job, eat my meals, clean my house, make love to my partners, smile at my friends; but I do it all without any gusto. I doubt as every one goes about their own lives that they even notice. After all, I am a pretty good actor with years of practice, but I notice every single moment of my life.
When David penned the 23rd Psalm, he was talking mainly about spiritual needs, not physical ones. While I truly believe the Lord will provide for my spiritual well being, I think it is up to each individual to provide for their own earthly happiness. God cares about whether I am happy, but He does not directly influence it. I realize today more than ever, that I am completely responsible for my own happiness. It is up to me to decide where I go with the next 46 years of my life. The day will come when I will be with the Lord, and no longer want. Until that day I can continue to sit in a black hole letting no one in to my well sheltered existence, or I can open up my life stop ‘wanting’ and start living. Only time will tell if I make the right choice…
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Happiness sometimes seems to be so elusive. I can be happy in the moment only to have some little concern enter my mind and begin to consume my thoughts, pushing away that happiness. Often that is a defensive mechanism. I am consumed with avoiding pain or hurt to the extent that I allow the moment of happiness to slip away.
ReplyDeleteI also know that I often seek my happiness in others. I allow others to dictate whether or not I am happy and in seeking that happiness from them, I give up too much of myself. Again, this is rooted in fear of hurt or pain.
To learn the lesson that I have what I need and can be happy in myself, in the now, is a great lesson indeed.