Boats Against the Current

“And He said, Come. And Peter went down from the boat, and walked upon the waters to come to Jesus.” Matthew 14:29

I decided it might be good for me to explain how I came up with the title I chose for my blog “A Boat Against The Current”. While I consider the title to be the perfect description of me, the words actually came from the final paragraph of my favorite book – F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby”. Nick Carraway’s monologue describing the sad existence of Jay Gatsby goes as follows:

“Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther... And one fine morning -
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

I feel that I have lived my entire life fighting against the current, chasing that green light without ever gaining any ground. I have never been satisfied of where I stood at any moment in time. I can spend hours lying in bed mapping out different scenarios of where my life would be if I had done one thing instead of another in the past. Just as often I might be found sitting around fantasizing about futures that will probably never come to be. Sometimes I think I live half of my life through daydreams while the real world flows right past me.

I am not blind to the gifts God has bestowed upon me though. From an outward point-of-view, I realize my life is one that would make most people extremely envious. I have not one, but two handsome, intelligent men who for some unexplainable reason absolutely adore me. I have numerous loving friends, am fairly healthy for my age, have a beautiful home, and a well paying (if unrewarding) job. So why then am I so unsatisfied? You cannot imagine how often I ask myself that question. Perhaps I just do not have the innate capability to be happy.

When in the book of Matthew, Peter starts to sink beneath the waves Jesus says to him, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” Like Peter, I find myself full of doubt. Not in Jesus though, but in myself. I have absolutely no faith in any decision I make. If only I could find a way to rise above the waves, trust my instincts, find joy in the life God has granted me, enjoy the times I have with my friends, and bask in the glow of love these men have deemed to share with me. If only I had faith in me - so I beat on…