Boys Don't Cry

“Jesus wept.” John 11:35

The shortest verse in the entire bible is one that speaks volumes. From a very early age, I was taught if not by word at least by example that men are not supposed to cry. Growing up I never once saw my father show any emotional response. I believe that when his mother passed away that he probably did cry because he went to the funeral home the morning before she was buried and sat with her body for about 3 hours. He did not go to the services though, and my guess is that was because he was afraid he would break down. Women of course could cry, when my mom’s parents died in a car wreck she went into a downward spiral that lasted for years. For days at a time she would lock herself in a darkened bedroom and cry constantly. My parents also would think nothing of my sister crying, but even when I was being punished I was told, “Don’t you dare cry, or I’ll give you something to really cry about.” I was pretty much taught to never show an emotional response to anything that occurred.

What effect did all that have on me in my adult life? Well I am probably one of the most emotional people in the world, but hardly anyone knows. I have become very adept at keeping a wall around myself. I probably cry ten times as much as any normal person, but I never allow anyone to see me crying. I imagine my partners, my friends, my family and my co-workers all see me as this cold, unemotional man. That could not be further from the truth. I take everything to heart. The slightest praise I leap on, the slightest insults cut me to the quick. I allow things to build up inside me all day, and then find myself lying in bed at night crying myself to sleep. How much better it would be for my mental health to be able to release these emotions as I feel them.

I am really trying to make a concerted effort to if not completely break the shell that I have encased myself in, then to at least make it more porous. By writing this blog, by allowing myself to make new friends, by forcing myself to be open and honest with one friend, by paying more attention to my needs, by all these ways I think I am slowly moving forward for the first time in years. I do not know if I will ever be able to be completely at ease showing my emotions, but I feel good about the progress I have made in just one month. Jesus had no problems with weeping in public, maybe one day I will be able to follow his example.