A Day Late, and a Dollar Short

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.” Luke 2:14

Actually two days late, but you get the drift. While growing up Christmas was a big celebration, though not a religious one. We celebrated it as just a gift giving holiday which had nothing to do with the birth of Jesus. On Christmas day my parents, sister, and I would gather with our grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins at my eldest aunt’s house. There would be forty or fifty people eating lunch and enjoying each other’s company. This Christmas my Mom, sister, and I simply gathered around a pot of spaghetti to celebrate the holiday. My 48th Christmas was certainly very low key, as I wish the rest of my life could be.

Now we are less than a week away from yet another new year. How impossible it seems that we have now gone ten years since we all celebrated and worried about Y2K. This first decade of the 21st century has certainly been one of turmoil for me. The loss of both Lee and my Father, the changes in my job status, the slow separation from so many friends, and the general aging process have all called me to task. How I pray for peace in the new year…the new decade!

This year I went to Christmas Eve mass celebrating the birth of Jesus in ways I never did as a child. Whether it is something God wishes us to do or not, I cannot say. I do know that it helped to lighten the burdens I carry in my heart for at least a couple of hours, and for that I do give glory to God!

It has been four months since I found time to write a blog. I certainly had thoughts I wished to write down during this time, but seemed never to find the time. Truthfully it seems more like four weeks as my life continues to rush by. Some days now I feel so old that all I wish to do is to lie in bed and remember better days. Still this year I have allowed myself to open up my heart some. I have both made and loss friends. They have filled my heart with both joy and sorrow…only time will tell if I made the right choices. A day late, and a dollar short seems to be the perfect line to describe me. Rather than being at peace with my decisions, I seem to always be regretting my choices. Perhaps in the coming year, I can learn to put away regrets.

Now especially during this time when we all reflect on what the birth of our Savior means to us it is the perfect time to look within ourselves. To see what changes we can make in our own lives, instead of always basing our happiness on how others perceive us. As 2009 draws to a close, I continue to give glory to God and pray for peace not just for myself, but for all of you who daily touch my heart. Each of you know who you are and know hopefully even when I seem withdrawn and in dark despair my love for you never wavers…

Not Enough Stones

”So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” John 8:7

Last night I laid in bed tossing and turning as I cried myself to sleep. Unfortunately that has become more and more of a regular occurrence over the last few weeks. While trying to fall asleep, one of the things that kept going through my mind was the idea of a blog I felt compelled to write. The problem was I could not come up with the proper words to say to express my feelings. Then I remembered a poem that I had loved in high school. The words of Earline Rose seemed to perfectly describe the thoughts I was trying to convey.

‘Faults’
As you sift the faults of others
Just to see what you can find,
And the words you speak about them
Are often times unkind,
Let the thought be ever present,
When you start to criticize,
That his faults may be less noticed
When viewed by other eyes.
For when we truly love someone,
His faults are hard to find,
And when they glare right out at us,
Somehow we do not mind.
Instead of searching for his faults,
Which seem to be galore,
Just let him know you really care…
Then learn to love him more.

It seems to me that people so quickly cast dispersions on other people sometimes out of anger, sometimes for a quick laugh, and sometimes just for meanness. I know I have often caught myself doing the same thing. Jesus teaches that we should never throw stones at others because not one of us is completely innocent. Maybe instead of being angry with people who do not follow this rule, I should instead just try to lead by example. I think it is time for us all to realize that there are not enough stones for all our faults…

Lost In The Darkness

“For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.” Luke 15:24

I am lost. Before sitting down to write this blog, I tried to come up with a word that best describes me at this time in my life. No other word seems to fit me better than lost. Every corner I turn leads to a dead-end. Every move I make becomes just a futile gesture. Every thought I have seems to be black. My life is just in a constant state of confusion.

There have been times in my life of immense happiness. My early years, my high school years, the years after becoming partners with Martin and Lee, and when Joe first came into my life all bring to mind happy times. Each of these has never lasted though. They were each followed by years of dark despair. Dealing with my Mother’s depression, college years when two friends disappeared from my life and dealing with my sexuality, the downward spiral of my partnership which led up to Lee’s death, and the troubles with Joe’s fears and my work related issues all had a part in sorrow replacing happiness.

Through all those years of highs and lows, I never felt totally lost though. Like a friend of mine really likes to say, no matter how bad things get he knows it will not last. Well I guess that was the thought process that kept me going. When I first started writing my blog, I began to see a glimmer of hope that I was moving back out of the darkness. The last couple of months though have seen things become even more dismal. While yes there have been some happy times like the week I spent in Las Vegas, for the most part I now feel that there will never be any extended periods of happiness for me. That feeling is what I truly call ‘lost’.

Another friend of mine asked me the other day if Martin knew how sad I am. I said that no one really knows. Everyone has their own issues with which to deal. On the rare occasions that I have tried to open up with a friend, it just seems in the long run to backfire. While things may begin well, my needs and fears become so strong that they end up having to pull away. So, I usually end up being even more depressed. I have to face the facts that I will probably be forever lost in this maze of darkness. Still I pray constantly that one day like the Prodigal Son in the parable that I will be found. How I long to begin to be merry…

Trust - A Two Way Street

“Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me.” Psalms 41:9

There are two ways for a person to view trust. From your own viewpoint, are you a trusting person? From other people’s viewpoint, are you a trustworthy person? While I have always thought of myself as a trustworthy person, I am sure there are people out there who would disagree with me. What I most assuredly am not is a trusting person. Very rarely have I been brave enough to put my total trust in anyone. This most likely comes from my upbringing where secrets ran rampant in our house.

I can think of no greater compliment than to be thought of as being trustworthy. It is something I have always strived to be in my life, and perhaps having learned to keep my own life close to the vest has given me a leg up on doing the same for other people. I take the Psalm to heart in that I cannot imagine anything much worse than betraying a friend. From my own experience I know how hard it is to lay your trust into someone else’s hands, and if I were to misuse that confidence it would hurt me as much as the one who trusted me.

One might think that a person who considers themselves to be so trustworthy would in turn be trusting. In my case, I certainly find that to not be true. It is not like I have actually been betrayed over and over again in my life, but instead it is just the fear of betrayal that causes me to not be able to trust easily. Occasionally someone comes along that is able to break through to the real me, and when they do it is like a beautiful warm light surrounding me. I so crave that feeling, but cannot overcome my fears to allow myself to open up to very many people.

I am not sure what this blog is even supposed to be about. Last week I went on an extremely relaxing vacation. I had such an enjoyable time that for a week life seemed almost perfect. It only took a couple of days back in reality though for me to come crashing down from that high. I returned home to issues at work, with my birth family, and with some close friends that once again had me crying through sleepless nights. What does all that have to do with trust though? Well I do not trust the powers at work who lie to us every day about how long our jobs will remain in town, I do not trust my Mom and Sister to do what is best for themselves in their own lives, and I guess I really do not always trust that I will do what is right for my closest friends.

To those rare gems in this world, the people who have found a way to win my trust, I thank you for giving me the peace that comes with that gift. To those who have tried to win my trust and failed, I am sorry just know that it probably has more to do with my issues than you. Perhaps the biggest problem is that I do not trust myself…

Alone Again (Naturally)

“I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.” Psalms 102:7

Sometimes I find myself sitting at a table surrounded by friends wondering how can I feel lonely? Sometimes while chatting with 4 or 5 different people on Facebook at the same time I find myself wondering how can I feel lonely? Right now I am lying on my bed in a house filled with love wondering how can I feel lonely?

The most common definition for the word alone is ‘separated from others’. That is a situation in which I rarely find myself. Instead the situation I most often find myself in is best described by one of the less common definitions for the word lonely. That is ‘producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation’. See I could be completely surrounded by people who love me, and still I would feel as if I was in a black hole by myself.

One of the aspects of my loneness seems to be talking to myself. I can be listening and even interacting in an on-going conversation with a group of people while carrying on an entire conversation with myself in my head at the same time. Most often it has nothing at all to do with what is being said around me. I can never remember a time that I did not have these interactions with myself. Usually these are quiet conversations in my head, but can be embarrassing at times when someone walks in on a vocal one. I do not think of it as an illness in that it is not voices that I hear telling me to do things. It is simply me most often trying to decide on a course of events by weighing both sides.

You would probably think that being this lonely I would dread anytime that I have to be physically alone. That is definitely not true though. I actually cherish some of the rare moments that I have to myself. It is not physical aloneness that hurts, but mental or emotional aloneness. Perhaps the fact that I have such a hard time sharing my inner most thoughts and feelings with anyone is the root cause. I have at times in my life tried to be more open, but each time has ended in failure. The failure stemmed sometimes from me not being capable of complete honesty, and other times because I chose the wrong person with whom to share this honesty.

David in this particular Psalm at times seems to be writing directly about me as he writes “‘my days are consumed like smoke…my heart is smitten…by reason of the voice of my groaning” Through this particular poem he is reminding me that even though I feel like “a sparrow alone upon the house top” that God is always there beside me. Perhaps when I am talking to myself I am actually talking to God. Though if that is the case then I wish He would give better advice…

Sweet Charity

“And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.” I Corinthians 13:13

How easily the words ‘I love you’ seem to flow out of a person’s mouth, but what do they actually mean. It is almost impossible to find a definitive meaning for the word ‘love’. People use it to define their feelings for a house, a pet, a family member, a friend, or a partner. In each of these examples the word means something completely different to the person saying it. The ancient Greeks used four different words to describe what we Americans call love. How much easier it might be to express ourselves if we also used four different words.

I grew up in a home where the word was rarely used. My sister and I certainly knew our parents loved us, but it was rarely said. Perhaps that has a lot to do with the fact that I have in my adult life always gone out of the way to say it to the people who mean the most to me. I have never said it to very many people, but to the ones I care about the most I probably say it much too often. I know at least that it seems to scare some of the people to whom I say it.

Someone I care a great deal for asked me recently if I was sure the love I felt for him was a ‘healthy’ love. The question really surprised me because I did not realize you could feel ‘unhealthy’ love. Here was a prime example to me of how much easier it would be to explain ourselves if we did not use one word to describe so many different emotions. I found myself left with the dilemma of whether I should continue telling him I love him even knowing it makes him uncomfortable, or should I keep my feelings for him locked inside my shell?

There are other people in my life who tell me they love me, yet they flit in and out of my life like a sparrow from limb to limb. Maybe I expect too much from friendship more than most people are capable of giving. I never expect more though than I am willing to give back. Perhaps rather than love, it is my definition of the meaning of friendship that is so radically different from other people.

Paul in his letter describes love as the greatest of the three for without love there would be no faith or hope. Love seems the easiest of the three to achieve, but the hardest to understand. With faith one must be able to take a blind leap, with hope one must be able to think positively, but love just appears from nowhere to take over one’s heart. I have never given love easily, but once I do it is overwhelming. Perhaps I need to find a happy medium…

Lies...Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32

When I was a kid two of my Dad’s favorite statements to make were, “There will be no liars there” and “Any intent to deceive is a lie.” He would of course say these to scare me into always telling him the truth. Well while the scare tactics never seemed to work on the young Jay, the older Jay has tried his best to be much more truthful. Being able to be completely honest with both yourself and everyone else would seem on the surface an easy thing to accomplish. I think most people are like me and find that not to be so.

When trying to be truthful with others, one has to first decide what exactly constitutes a lie. Is as my Dad tried to point out any relevant omission a lie? Is it fair to be truthful with someone if the facts would only serve to hurt the other person or to soothe your own conscience? Is it wrong for a gay person to remain in the closet to family or at work? Is it right for parents to tell their children there is an Easter Bunny? Of course that last one is silly, but following my Dad’s logic it would be considered a lie. Each person has to decide for themselves where to draw the line between truth and lie.

In my opinion being honest with yourself is an even harder prospect than with others. I imagine most people like to think of themselves as being a good person. I certainly feel sorry for those who do not. The question is, are we deluding ourselves with that thought? How do other people perceive us? Do we lie to people purposely out of spite or for our own personal gain? To really be honest with ourselves about whether we are a good person or not it is important to ask ourselves how we would feel if other people treated us the way we treat them.

When Jesus spoke of the truth setting us free, he was referring to the fact that he was the son of God sent to die for our sins. Does that statement though also hold in our everyday lives? Being completely honest will certainly set your mind free as it takes away the need to cover up your lies. For myself, I believe that I am fairly honest with myself in that I know I do not always treat others the way I should. I can certainly be catty, spiteful, and petty. Those are all issues that I need to work on. In being honest with others I know that I fall desperately short. Mainly that is because of fear. I am completely scared of how total honesty would affect the relationships in my life. So like the younger Jay, the old one still finds himself being less than truthful at times. Unlike the child though, the man is striving to be better…

Mama Mia

“Honour thy father and thy mother:” Matthew 19:19

It is so hard to believe how fast this year is going by. We have already made it to Mother’s Day weekend. I asked my Mom if she wanted to go out for lunch on Sunday, but I think she wants me to come to her house instead. So I guess I will be making the trek out to her house. I will be the dutiful son and spend the afternoon with her and my sister listening to her complain that I have not gotten married and had grandchildren for her. Mom, wake up, I have lived with another single forty-something year old man for the last 21 years. Hello! Some people only allow themselves to believe what they want to believe.

Growing up with my Mom it is a wonder that I am in the least bit normal. Of course, I can hear my friends laughing at the thought of me being normal. I imagine the first 9 years of my life were sort of “Leave It To Beaver” like, but that all came to an abrupt end right before my tenth birthday. That was when my Mom who had always been abnormally close to her parents lost them at the same time in a car wreck. She went into a deep depression that lasted at least until I was in college. She would lock herself in her darkened room, take sleeping pills, and sleep most of the day and night. She would emerge on Sundays get dressed and attend church like nothing was wrong though. With her in that mood and my father working shift work, my sister and I were pretty much left to our own devices. My sister usually just stayed in her room studying when she was not at school. I would stay out of the house as much as possible. I would either roam the streets with groups of kids or stay at my best friend’s house and make believe he was my brother.

Now my Mom is 80, and acts as if she does not remember anything about our childhoods being odd. She truly thinks she was the perfect example of motherhood, and that the issues my sister and I now have to deal with are of our own making. My sister divorced in 1980, and has been alone for the last 29 years because my Mom drilled into her head the sin of divorce and remarriage. If I had allowed her beliefs to rule my life, I would have married and had children. Would she truly have been happier with 2 divorced, lonely children rather than having a son who has been in a loving gay relationship for over 22 years? The scary answer to that question is that yes she would.

Jesus instructed us to honour our Mother. That does not necessarily mean to obey, respect or even love. I do love my Mother and appreciate her having given me life. I do not respect her, nor her beliefs; and I definitely feel no compunction to obey her misguided rules. Do I follow Jesus commandment and honor her. Yes, I feel I do every single day by allowing her to live with her delusions.

It's Now or Never

“ Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.” Matthew 6:34

When I first started reading Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now”, I thought that it seemed written specifically for me. I never realized that there were enough people who lived their lives thinking so much about the past and future that someone could make a living writing books about them. To be able to not fret over past mistakes or worry about future responsibilities seems like an unreachable dream. I tell friends all the time to live in the now that no other time is guaranteed, but to live by that creed myself is practically impossible.

Most of my time is spent anticipating some future event. I pick out an event such as a party, a concert, or a vacation and I survive my days by counting down to that event. Of course, as soon as that event arrives I am already trying to find me another event with which to look forward. My deepest depressions seem to come right after one of these events has passed when I do not have another one lined up in the wings.

How do I learn to live in the now? To enjoy each moment God has graciously given to me? Even as I sit here on Friday writing this blog part of my mind is dwelling on the fact that I do not have any special plans for this weekend. While I will be happy to have a weekend where nothing has to get done, still I realize that will leave my mind so much time to spend dreading Monday morning. I know already that I will wake up tomorrow morning and instead of taking a deep breath soaking in a beautiful day off; I will begin counting in my head the hours I have before being forced to return to the drudgeries of the work week.

Jesus tells us to not worry about our tomorrows that they will take care of themselves. He is trying to tell us in His own comforting way that the only moment we are guaranteed is the one we are living in at the present. Tolle stresses this same point more graphically in his book. Am I capable of taking this advice and relishing each moment in time? Can I lay down both my regrets of past mistakes and my fears of the future? I am not sure that I can change 46 years of thought processes, but I am trying.

Now what can I plan for tomorrow?

The Easter Parade

“He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.” Matthew 28:6

When I was a child all Easter meant to me was fun…Easter bunny, Easter basket full of candy, Easter egg hunts… the day had absolutely nothing to do with religion. Having grown up in the Church of Christ, we did not celebrate Christmas or Easter as religious holidays. Luckily for me though, unlike my one Jehovah’s Witness friend, we were allowed to celebrate them as man-made holidays. I can remember though always wondering why we did not celebrate Easter on Saturday, so to not have to break up the frivolity by having to go to church. How much simpler life was as a child.

Once I joined the Episcopal Church I came to realize what a significance other religions put on Easter. Quite a difference from having grown up being taught that yes we are supposed to celebrate the Lord’s resurrection, but we should do that every first day of the week. Now that I am not affiliated with any religion, I think Easter means more to me than ever before. I look at it as a day of renewal after a long, dark winter. A day to celebrate not only the sacrifice that Christ gave for us, but also all the miracles of life God has granted us.

My life right now is not in the best place. New rumors at work have us moving to a new building in July. This new building only holds about 200 people, which would mean around 80 of us would be losing our jobs between now and then. While I do not think I would be one of those at this point, it still makes a dismal working environment even darker. This new building is also about 15 miles from my house, as opposed to the 2 mile commute I have now. While my life away from work is actually in a good place right now, the worries of my job keep me from enjoying my free time.

What I would ask for myself during this time of celebration and renewal is the ability to forget the hassles of work as I walk out the door. To have the capability to close off my mind to things I have no control over would be a true miracle. To be able to enjoy my family, my friends, and this beautiful time of the year without this constant nagging in the back of my head would be true peace. During this time when we are celebrating Christ dying and being resurrected to save our souls, I pray for a little peace for my heart and my mind as well. May the peace of God be with us all!

Friends In The Computer Age

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13

For the last two weeks my internet has been down at my house. Actually had that occurred a few months ago, I would have hardly noticed. Times they are a changin’ though. I use to when thinking about keeping up with my friends would either have a long phone call or plan a lunch date, now it seems e-mails and facebook chat has come to rule my life. Is this a good thing or not? Martin would certainly say it has been bad since he had to buy a new pc since I never let him use our old one anymore.

It amazes me that with some of my closest friends my interaction is 90% on-line. I share thoughts and emotions with these people that I have always had problems sharing with friends in the past. I can only guess that the introvert in me has finally found this great way to be able to express himself without actual face-to-face or voice-to-voice contact. I have always found it easy to write down feelings that I would never be able to actually say to anyone. Internet chat has provided me a way to do that while actually sharing those thoughts with someone. Of course the problem is that there are times when I do have to interact personally with these friends, and when I do I am even more nervous and embarrassed than usual realizing how much they know about me.

Right now other than my partners, there are four people that I consider to be close friends. These are people that at one time or another I have shared things with that I would never dare share with my other friends. These are four men that I have such great love for that at times it scares the hell out of me. Each of them, though most do not realize it, has found a way to capture a part of my heart that leaves me feeling so vulnerable. I think with most people I am great at putting on this ‘cold bastard’ act, but in actuality I am so extremely sensitive. I worry constantly about how other people perceive me. Having these people who not only see some of the brightest parts of me, but also some of my darkest corners can really at times cause me fear. While I consider myself to be trustworthy, I have never been one who was able to easily trust others. I am now trying my best to combat these fears and allow myself to be more open. It is not an easy thing to do!

When Jesus compares our love for our friends with His love for us, it hardly seems fair. While most of us would like to think we would give up our lives for our friends, I think in reality giving a kidney might be further than most people would be willing to go. I believe though that in being willing to share those special private parts of ourselves we are in one way laying down our lives. When you have faith enough to completely expose a part of your soul to someone else… well to me that is the meaning of true friendship.

Working 9 To 5...If Only

“For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.” II Thessalonians 3:10

The past two weekends before this last one had been so packed full of fun activities that I did not have time to let my usual ‘I hate work’ depression set in and keep me upset. This last weekend started out much the same with a nice potluck dinner at a friend’s house followed by attending a funny play ‘Southern Baptist Sissies’. The weekend slowly went downhill from there though. Saturday I discovered that my phone and internet services are completely out, and probably will not be restored for at least a week. On Sunday, Martin and I drove to Cullman to carry flowers to Lee’s gravesite. His 53rd birthday would have been on March 30th. Yes, those two days were the perfect set-up for my usual end of the weekend funk.

Does everyone hate their job, or is it just me? I know in the work climate that we all live in that I should be ecstatic to have a job of any kind. I have worked at the same company for over 25 years now. For 24 of those years, I did the same job one I knew like the back of my hand. There was absolutely no thinking involved. A lot of the jobs at our company are being moved to Texas, so about a year ago to preserve my employment I moved into a different department. I took a much harder job, with longer work hours for no more pay. Well we all no the ‘cannot teach an old dog new tricks’ statement, and in my case that has certainly been the truth.

The worse part of this job however is not the fact that most of it is way over my head complicated, but that I have to now on a regular basis deal with users both here and in Texas for whom I program. I am so incredibly introverted that I will sit at my desk for hours getting nothing done just dreading a 5 minute face-to-face meeting with someone. I waste so much time trying to figure out ways to get my job done through e-mails rather than vocally. Add that to the fact that all of us who work here know we are living on borrowed time. The day will come either sooner or later when all our jobs are moved to Texas. The scariest part of that is that it could happen today or 5 years from now without warning.

I know that not only do people have to work to survive, but according to God people should work. He expects everyone to earn their way in this world He has given to us. I have no problem with that with the proof that I have worked at the same company for all these years, and have always been considered by my bosses and co-workers to be an exemplary employee. My largest problem with my job is that I constantly worry about it. At night, I lie in bed thinking about what I have to get done at work the next day, and scared that I am going to be too tired to perform because of my lack of sleep. On weekends I find it hard to make myself do anything enjoyable because I am constantly dreading the following Monday. If only I could learn to leave the worries of this job at the door, I think I would be able to take a large step toward my overall happiness. If only…those words make up so much of my life.

Just As I Am

“Now there was leaning on Jesus’ bosom one of his disciples, whom Jesus loved.” John 13:23

A second really good weekend in a row for me, perhaps I am on a roll. I spent Friday night with two special men catching up on my Battlestar Galactica tapes, Saturday was a whirlwind of helping my partner Martin get snacks ready for his choir social, Saturday night I had a great time at the social and dinner after with friends, and then on Sunday Martin and I caught a movie before going to supper with friends. A very full weekend one that would normally have exhausted me; but now looking back on it I feel not exhaustion, but joy. Two months ago if I had a weekend like that by Sunday night I would have been crying my eyes out. I used my weekends for one reason, and that was to rest by myself to store up energy to make it through the next work week. My question is why do I feel differently now?

I really feel that a lot of my change in attitude is because of new friends coming into my life. Not that I have not always had a large group of friends who love me. Eight years ago when I lost Lee, all my friends gathered around into a strong cohesive whole to take care of me. As the years have passed by though we have all slowly drifted apart. Sure we still get together for dinners and parties, but we never really talk to each other any more. Sometimes I feel that those of us who still get together on a regular basis just do it out of habit. As my friends have moved into their own lives, I have moved more and more into myself. While I still see my friends once or twice a week, I mainly keep all my thoughts and emotions locked deep inside. This has all started to change for me recently with these new friends showing up in my life questioning me, and more importantly making me question myself.

A friend of mine the other day called me in an email ‘just’ a friend. I, of course, realize he was trying to make a point, and did not think that I would find his words hurtful. My problem with the word ‘just’ is that when used in the conjunction with the word ‘friend’ seems to me to be synonymous with ‘not worthwhile’. Of course, no one would ever consider a friend to be not worthwhile, but to me that word seems to lessen the meaning of friend. While I was nursing my hurt feelings I got to thinking though, do I consider a lot of my friends to be ‘just’ friends? I hate to admit to myself, but maybe I do. While I love and cherish each and every one of them, I cannot imagine sharing my inner self with them. I would be there for them in an emergency, as they would for me, but would never dream of calling them up to tell them how my life is going. I would think why burden them when they all have their own problems with which to deal.

The apostle John always took pains to point out that he was the disciple whom Jesus loved, but in truth Jesus loved all his friends. He was there; He is there for everyone in whatever way He is needed. I think I need to learn a lesson from Him. I need to stop worrying about descriptions, after all I know my friends will always accept me as I am. Instead I need to make sure that I never treat any of them as ‘just’ a friend.

Constant Craving

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” Psalm 23:1

This past weekend was one of my best in recent memory. It began well on Friday night with me going out with a new group of friends. I had such a great time, and feel so privileged to be included in this group. Saturday was a ‘me’ day, where I just lounged around and read until the evening when I went to a Birmingham broadway show at the civic center. On Sunday, I actually dragged my lazy self out of the bed and met a good friend for church at Southside Baptist before having lunch with him. The rest of Sunday afternoon I spent having coffee at Starbucks with another new friend. All in all a glorious weekend, that should have satisfied even the hungriest of souls.

So why did I still want more?

That is a question I have asked myself all my life, but have thus far been unable to answer. Truthfully, I had completely given up on even trying to figure out the ins and outs of my mind. That is until recently when this new friend came into my life. Now his influence has me questioning all my thought processes. As I have mentioned in the past so often I feel like I am just surviving life. I go through all the right motions. I do my job, eat my meals, clean my house, make love to my partners, smile at my friends; but I do it all without any gusto. I doubt as every one goes about their own lives that they even notice. After all, I am a pretty good actor with years of practice, but I notice every single moment of my life.

When David penned the 23rd Psalm, he was talking mainly about spiritual needs, not physical ones. While I truly believe the Lord will provide for my spiritual well being, I think it is up to each individual to provide for their own earthly happiness. God cares about whether I am happy, but He does not directly influence it. I realize today more than ever, that I am completely responsible for my own happiness. It is up to me to decide where I go with the next 46 years of my life. The day will come when I will be with the Lord, and no longer want. Until that day I can continue to sit in a black hole letting no one in to my well sheltered existence, or I can open up my life stop ‘wanting’ and start living. Only time will tell if I make the right choice…

Boys Don't Cry

“Jesus wept.” John 11:35

The shortest verse in the entire bible is one that speaks volumes. From a very early age, I was taught if not by word at least by example that men are not supposed to cry. Growing up I never once saw my father show any emotional response. I believe that when his mother passed away that he probably did cry because he went to the funeral home the morning before she was buried and sat with her body for about 3 hours. He did not go to the services though, and my guess is that was because he was afraid he would break down. Women of course could cry, when my mom’s parents died in a car wreck she went into a downward spiral that lasted for years. For days at a time she would lock herself in a darkened bedroom and cry constantly. My parents also would think nothing of my sister crying, but even when I was being punished I was told, “Don’t you dare cry, or I’ll give you something to really cry about.” I was pretty much taught to never show an emotional response to anything that occurred.

What effect did all that have on me in my adult life? Well I am probably one of the most emotional people in the world, but hardly anyone knows. I have become very adept at keeping a wall around myself. I probably cry ten times as much as any normal person, but I never allow anyone to see me crying. I imagine my partners, my friends, my family and my co-workers all see me as this cold, unemotional man. That could not be further from the truth. I take everything to heart. The slightest praise I leap on, the slightest insults cut me to the quick. I allow things to build up inside me all day, and then find myself lying in bed at night crying myself to sleep. How much better it would be for my mental health to be able to release these emotions as I feel them.

I am really trying to make a concerted effort to if not completely break the shell that I have encased myself in, then to at least make it more porous. By writing this blog, by allowing myself to make new friends, by forcing myself to be open and honest with one friend, by paying more attention to my needs, by all these ways I think I am slowly moving forward for the first time in years. I do not know if I will ever be able to be completely at ease showing my emotions, but I feel good about the progress I have made in just one month. Jesus had no problems with weeping in public, maybe one day I will be able to follow his example.

Losing My Religion

“Salute one another with an holy kiss. The churches of Christ salute you.” Romans 16:16

Thus far I have begun each of my blogs with a bible quotation. While I probably will not keep that practice up forever, it has helped me keep my mind concentrated on what I would like to write. Since I am quoting the bible quite a bit in my blogs, I thought it would be good to share my religious background. I was raised in what I think most people would consider the strictest religion – the church of Christ.

The church of Christ believes that the New Testament completely supersedes the Old Testament. They also follow Revelations 22: 18-19 to the letter: “For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.” Personally, while I feel that those particular verses only mean the book of Revelations, the church of Christ thinks they mean the entire New Testament. They believe that the New Testament as is was completely inspired by God. That it is His law to be followed to the letter.

Growing up in the church was a mixed blessing – it instilled into me a strong moral code of which I am thankful for having, but also tried to convince me that I would be going to hell for just living my life. Having known I was gay practically all my life, it made it almost impossible for me as a child to reconcile the feelings I had with the beliefs my parents and the church tried to force on me. My father died believing his son was living in sin, while my mom still will not admit to herself that her son is gay. The church not only messed with my head as a child, but kept my parents and myself from ever having a close relationship.

I stopped going to church when I was 18, and did not return to an organized religion until I turned 33. Finally I thought I had found a religion in the Episcopal church that accepted me the way God made me. I started for the first time in my life to enjoy going to church, but 9 years later something else happened to once again turn me away from organized religion. When what should have been a happy day for me, a gay man was made a bishop in the church, the dean of the cathedral I was attending hung a black flag out in front of the church building to show his disdain for the decision. Once again I felt I had been betrayed by religion.

Now 5 years have passed since I attended religious services on a consistent basis. I have such a strong belief in God that I feel the need to find a church to worship Him, but I just have no idea where I would feel welcome. It certainly will not be in the church I was brought up in for there I know I will never be accepted. I find it almost funny that two male members of that church would never kiss each other, when the very verse they use to take the name of their church from instructs them to always greet each other with a kiss. I am not sure if it will be the Episcopal church either, though I have yet to write them off completely because of the actions of one congregation. While I may never find a church that I am comfortable attending, I do have complete faith that in Jesus’ eyes my being gay is not a sin.

I sit here on the Lord’s Day writing this just hoping for inspiration, but though I may have lost my religion…I know I have not lost my soul.

Boats Against the Current

“And He said, Come. And Peter went down from the boat, and walked upon the waters to come to Jesus.” Matthew 14:29

I decided it might be good for me to explain how I came up with the title I chose for my blog “A Boat Against The Current”. While I consider the title to be the perfect description of me, the words actually came from the final paragraph of my favorite book – F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby”. Nick Carraway’s monologue describing the sad existence of Jay Gatsby goes as follows:

“Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther... And one fine morning -
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

I feel that I have lived my entire life fighting against the current, chasing that green light without ever gaining any ground. I have never been satisfied of where I stood at any moment in time. I can spend hours lying in bed mapping out different scenarios of where my life would be if I had done one thing instead of another in the past. Just as often I might be found sitting around fantasizing about futures that will probably never come to be. Sometimes I think I live half of my life through daydreams while the real world flows right past me.

I am not blind to the gifts God has bestowed upon me though. From an outward point-of-view, I realize my life is one that would make most people extremely envious. I have not one, but two handsome, intelligent men who for some unexplainable reason absolutely adore me. I have numerous loving friends, am fairly healthy for my age, have a beautiful home, and a well paying (if unrewarding) job. So why then am I so unsatisfied? You cannot imagine how often I ask myself that question. Perhaps I just do not have the innate capability to be happy.

When in the book of Matthew, Peter starts to sink beneath the waves Jesus says to him, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” Like Peter, I find myself full of doubt. Not in Jesus though, but in myself. I have absolutely no faith in any decision I make. If only I could find a way to rise above the waves, trust my instincts, find joy in the life God has granted me, enjoy the times I have with my friends, and bask in the glow of love these men have deemed to share with me. If only I had faith in me - so I beat on…

Snow Fell On Alabama

“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7

I woke up this morning to what I think is the most beautiful, peaceful scene in the world – an Alabama snowfall. When I was a young boy we seemed to have snows of this sort 2 or 3 times a year. Now whether because of global warming or whatever, it seems we only get days like this 2 or 3 times a decade. As a kid, I would first go out with my Dad and my sister to build a snowman, and then Mom would call us in to eat some snow cream. That would be it for family time. My parents and my sister would then go about their own lives inside, while I would disappear outside to play with my friends for the rest of the day. Seems then I could stand the cold for hours on end, now my old body is more than ready for a toasty fire after just 30 minutes or so of the cold, white beauty.

I cannot express the peace I felt this morning, so different than my normal days of living constantly on the edge. This morning we sat by a roaring fire, drinking hot chocolate, watching the snow fall, and enjoying the children across the street building a snowman. A little later we bundled up and went for a long walk in the pouring snow taking pictures along the way in hopes of reliving the peace of this day at a later time. Now after having had a nice brunch at the Tron, I’m relaxing in my easy chair contemplating the few hours of peace this beautiful day brought into my life. How thankful I am of these few moments of respite from the daily worries we all have to face.

Peace of heart, peace of mind, something we all hope for, but so often find almost impossible to attain. I find days where I am truly at peace to be as rare as snow in Alabama. I am truthfully not sure why I spend so many of my days and nights worrying not only about the mistakes I have made in the past, but those I fear I will make in the future. I spend hours trying to make even the simplest decisions. I pray daily for the ability to understand my own mind, my own heart.

Well the afternoon is racing along, the sun is shining brightly, the snow will be completely gone soon, and the real world will come crashing back down on us. I go now to enjoy the rest of this beautiful day, so thankful to God for the peace I have felt today. There will be time enough tomorrow for me to return to my worries and fears, today I will simply enjoy the peace which certainly passeth my understanding.

The Joys of Jury Duty

“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” Matthew 7:1

Next week I get to serve time on jury duty. In the 28 years that I have been eligible, I have been called to be a part of that great institution 12 times. I know many people my age and older who have never been chosen, but I guess I’m one of the lucky few. Out of the previous 11 times, I was chosen to be on a jury 10 of them. I doubt that will happen this time.

One of the questions they invariably ask is “have any of you been yourself or know someone who has been a victim of a violent crime?” It seems that a ‘yes’ answer to that question is the best way to be struck. While in my previous terms my answer had always been ‘no’, this time that will change.

Eight years ago, I lost my partner when he was killed in our home by a worthless man he had been trying to help. For a couple of years before his death, Lee had been involved in an affair with another man. When that relationship ended, I think he started being mired in guilt. He decided to ask the help of a therapist in dealing with this guilt. While I have no problems with therapy as a whole, I feel his gave him terrible advice. It seems he was told the best way to work through his guilt was to try to do good things for less fortunate people. He began first by helping handicapped people, but soon moved on to lending a hand, money, even supplying motel rooms for crack addicts and homeless individuals. While I didn’t know his reasons for this charitable change on his part, I did try to talk him into being more careful with whom he hung around.

One night, when I was out of town one of these homeless crack addicts showed up at our house around midnight trying to get more money out of Lee. He made the mistake of telling the guy he could stay the night on our couch, but that he couldn’t give him anymore money. That night this monster killed Lee, took what money and jewelry he could find, and stole one of our cars. I found my partner a couple of days later when I returned home lying dead on the floor.

I’m not a big fan of the Birmingham police, or the Jefferson County court system. While 4 months later this guy was arrested with my cancelled credit card still in his possession, he ended up serving very little time in jail. It seems the police had made a lot of mistakes in the evidence gathering, and so the County DA thought it best to make a plea bargain with the man. Instead of being charged with murder and burglary, he was allowed to plead guilty to the lesser charge of manslaughter. He was given a 20 year sentence, but only forced to serve 5 years in prison. So now while Lee’s short life is gone forever, this man is already free to walk the streets of Birmingham. No, I don’t think the defense would ever allow me to serve on a jury again.

I don’t think Jesus meant for us not to judge people when they are doing wrong. I think he was warning us that God would use the same criteria to judge us one day, as we use when we judge others. I feel as human beings we will always end up judging people on things such as their skin color, sexual orientation, or even the clothes they wear or the things they think. I believe petty judgments like these were always looked down on by Christ, and they are something we should strive to rise above in our own lives. Not an easy thing to accomplish, but the harder we try perhaps the easier the final judgment will be for us.

A Beginning...

"In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth." - Genesis 1:1

Beginnings are always difficult be they a fresh love affair, a move to a new home, the first day on a job, the start of a friendship, or trying to write your first blog. I've been writing poetry since I was 14 years old, but trying to put my thoughts and emotions into blog form is a completely new experience. A very special friend of mine told me recently that he finds writing his blog to be a catharsis. I am hoping for the same results!

How does one write about beginnings when at 46 he already feels his life has come to an end. Over the last year it has seemed that instead of living life, I'm simply surviving it. My days have become filled with unrewarding work - my nights with restless sleep. I find myself praying for new experiences to bring joy, laughter, and passion into my life. I cannot forget though the words of Karen Blixen, "When the gods want to punish us, they answer our prayers." I have come to fear that if my prayers were answered not only would I continue to want more, but also sadness might be brought to those I care about the most.

God didn't just create the earth, but also the flawed individuals who walk upon it. Perhaps I should be content with the happiness I bring to those I love, but as one of His flawed creations I find that contentment beyond my reach. My hopes in breaking my self-imposed boundaries and starting this blog are that I will be able to better understand my thoughts, explore my dreams, combat my fears, and live my life. Not sure at this point whether I will be successful, but it is a beginning...